I was thinking today that it is really hard to know what someone else has experienced in life. There are certainly similarities or situations that we all encounter through out our journey here on Earth. My path is one I would not wish upon anyone. I appear to smile through the daily pain that I experience every minute of every day... 365 days a year. I appear to be able to Navigate through the puzzle of Autism, Marriage, and blending a family. It is not easy. I have always taken people at face value. I have always believed that if you put kindness out into the Universe, You get kindness back. I am learning that is not the case. I choose to love people when it is messy and I love them hard. I learned a hard lesson about loss and how quickly life can change. In the blink of an eye, everything is different, yet everything has stayed the same. While you are surfing the wave of life and tumbling around onto the shore as the tide pulls you away, your body in turmoil and your head spinning, it is like trying to figure out how to walk again. You have to crawl first is what I learned. I did that. I got untangled from my underwear and finally the tide went back to the crashing waves out in the Ocean and left me to my own devices and I was able to get a firm grip on what I had to deal with. I was scared. I did not want to do life. I did not want the sun to come up again.
The sun did rise and it set that next day when I had prayed it would not. It has continued to rise and fall every day since then and I was able to start walking and figuring things out. I know that my head gets wound up tight a lot and I only have the last 20 years of my life to share experiences from and most days I just feel lost....
This is what I choose to do. Nothing will change my past and I do not want to erase where I come from. I deal with things on a level that I hope you never have to experience. I will always wear my pain in the grandest of gestures that I can acquire... No one can take your pain away, you have to figure out how to deal with it. You have to learn how to cope... Cope... that is a key word in survival whether it is emotional, physical, or spiritual.
I have had to love people from a distance. Some family, some friends... I still love them, but for whatever reason, the intimacy between myself and those people faulted in some way. I have learned that some people like the idea of loving with no conditions but do not know how. It is not something we are born with. I believe learning to love with no conditions requires being loved in that manner at some point in your journey here. I have to be careful because I tend to allow myself to love so hard that it hurts me... Because I want you to have the same hard, messy love I have for you for me.
We are not careful with our words. We say things that we do not mean, and we respond with knee jerk reactions of our emotions. I remember a time where it did not matter if you said something ugly to me or reacted to me negatively, I just let it roll off my back. I used to say I was " comfortably numb " Those were the days... I wish I could be that way again...
Hopefully this blog finds you in a great space and ready for a new season that is upon us, once the heat finishes melting all of us... Take care of you and yours...
My goal is to love beyond measure... Even if it hurts...
From us to you.. Be kind... Love the one you are with...
Michelle
