I remember being a child and being worried about whether a cut or boo boo would scar... leave a mark... or flaw me in some manner. The definition of scar is:
scar
1
noun
1.
a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.
2.
a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury
resulting from suffering or trauma.
3.
any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.
4.
Botany . a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen
from a stem.
verb (used with object), scarred, scar·ring.
5.
to mark with a scar.
We all have scars. Some we hide... some we parade in full view, proud of. The ones we hide are usually the ones that we fear if somebody saw would expose us and make us vulnerable. Naked almost.
My scars today tell a story. A Fairytale, a romance, and a horror story. The fairy tale is obviously the birth of my child and the scars on my heart from going through adoption for Nick and Noland... I do not mind exposing those to anyone. The Romance scars I do not mind exposing and sharing the lessons I have learned from loving from my heart and soul. Horror story scars are another issue. I hide those deep from anyone... Sometimes from myself. I want to forget them. Pretend they never existed. Ignore them and try and make them into something else. Put them into another category... Like, try and make them into the Fairytale scars but they never stick. They always find their way back to the Horror category.
The trouble is this is the problem not just with me, but with everyone... We hide what make us who we are. We hide the vulnerable parts of our souls because once exposed it gives others the opportunity to HURT us. No part of any human being wants their soul just hanging out there for the world to trample.
Every day I learn something about myself. My new self... The self that changed that is part of that horror scar.. The difference now is that the scar from beginning the journey into widowhood is not as bright... not as noticeable. It has began to somewhat blend in with the other scars... This scar was too big and ugly to ever hide. There it was right out in the open... Everyone could stare at it. No one knew what to say or how to act around it... As time goes on and my new self transforms I discover that people now see me, the different me, not a bad horrible scar that was ever present... Yes, my life changed, everything about that was not easy. I make a choice every day to do something positive to make my children look up to me and see a strong woman that had her feet swept out from under her in one swift motion and still go forward every day. I do have feelings, I do not show them to just anyone. I guard them, I expose them to only those worthy of seeing them. Revealing them layer by layer and ever so carefully... I hate to feel anything but happy... and on this journey happy has been difficult.
Love this guy... He loves me... We are making memories and being an example of what love is like to our kiddies. Making plans to continue on in this life together and being each other's cheer leader and enjoying the ride together... Amazingly happy again. I smile, he makes me smile.. My kids remind me that it is really simple to accept things as they are and LOVE every minute we are given here. I feel Jeff smiling and I know he is still guiding me... I have to be still and patient, but I am going to be OK...
The next chapter in my story book of life... I do not mind sharing my scars today. They tell my story, my imperfect, sometime shameful, sometimes courageous story. It is not a secret what myself and my children have endured. Today we choose to be happy. To do the next right thing. To continue going forward. I say it over and over, just be KIND. Yes it happened. Yes losing my best friend suddenly in the game of life sucks. He taught me so many things and I learned a lot of lessons about what is important and how short life is. I suggest that you treat people with love and respect. Take care of your own. Encompass your life with people that will love you back even when you do not love yourself. I am so grateful to be where I am today. The gift of love in this lifetime again is unthinkable for some to have once. I feel very very special to have found it twice. Love the one you are with, say I love you, always always always LIVE !!! There are NO Do over's... Show your scars... allow people to love you. The scars that you protect and guard the most are exactly the ones that you need to bear..
From our house in the boonies to you, Mwah !!!
The gang of H's with a couple of Ptak's hanging around !!!
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