I am reminded of the reality that is upon us...not for the easily offended...

Ok.. so I have said it.  This is not for the easily offended. It's my blog and it is my outlet. If you are offended by language or do not know me that well and would like to keep your opinion of me in tact here's where you stop reading. 

Well for the rest of you. Here goes nothing.  I am raging mad.  I am heartbroken.  I am filled with anything but spiritual greatness right now. I am entitled to feel so. I do not need any pity or pats on the back about what a great job I am doing. It sucks. It sucks ass.  I have been a voice for Nick since he was an infant. My fights get bigger and my voice gets louder. Will I surrender? Hell no.  Will I give up on my child ? HELL NO.  Do I want to? Absofreakinlutely ... not a damn thing about raising Nick is easy. Top matters off his dad goes and fucking dies on him.  Us !!!! Damn it pisses me off.  I am the one now to have to deal with all this.  It is what it is.  Have I found love? Yes.  Doesn't mean I forget that I had a family unit in tact for almost 20 yrs.  Doesn't mean that I don't have issues.  I deal with them and I make choices to be happy but the last week has been hell... no... worse than hell... 

I am grateful that Josh has accepted us for what we are. When I tell you that Josh is a gift from Jeff it's not candy coated bullshit idealistic romance that I have created in my head. Spend a day with us and see. There are family members who will NOT take on Nick for any time frame and here is this wonderful man who is in my corner doing everything he can to understand Nick and love us through this.  Nick and his having autism is not an easy feat. I was so scared that no one would ever love us... I do not have that worry anymore. The last week of hell is proof enough that Josh isn't going anywhere and that Jeff is still watching out for us.  

I think if Jeff could beam me up and we could have a conversation he would first blast me about the doubt that I have in myself in parenting. .. then I'm pretty sure he'd give me one of those big olé Jeff hugs and tell me that I have a lot of living to do and he's making sure it is with the right person not only for my boys but for me. He has never let me down.  

I used to scream that I could not do this alone. I had no desire to do this alone. This is my official post /blog to say I am not doing this alone. I have an amazing partner. Hand picked. That's something right there. Am I angry? Yep. . Worn out ? Yep.   Will I continue up doing what I am doing ? Bet your sweet ass I will... 

I am not going anywhere... we are making plans and loving all the funny goofy moments we make together. Thank you Jeff. You will always be in my heart but it is big enough to hold you both. We will keep riding the asphalt here while you ride the sky. We will Continue to celebrate you and I hope I love a fraction of the love you showed me. 

Josh... you are my heart and you make me smile. I am a lucky lucky girl... I love you. Infinity !!!

Love the one you are with. Always say I love you. Remember hugs are not hugs unless you use both arms. Mwah. 

From our home to yours... Michelle and the boys and the Ptaks..

Do you believe in LOVE ?

Do you believe in Love?  I do... Always have.  I had one of the best teacher's.  I had a discussion this past weekend about the extreme difference between love and hate.  I was told that when somebody hates something, it is an absolute fact.  There is no sliding scale on hate... You either hate it or don't.  You do not hate something a little bit... but love... I was told that love is questionable.  That when you are told you are loved you can question the level of love that person is referencing.  I disagree.  When I tell you I love you.  I mean it.  I will love you through the ugly, the messy, the chaos, the unlovable moments... when you are ugly on the inside and outside.  My love has no sliding scale.  It is not questionable.  I also take it very seriously.  Love that is.  I like to think everyone is that way. I am learning that is not the case.  Embarking on this journey that has taken me through ups and downs, weaving, and embankments I have learned that not everyone Loves the way I do.  I am humbly disappointed in this.  I am also grateful that I did not know this until now.  I had the privilege of being loved with someones whole heart.  He did not leave me for another woman, he did not abandon us, he died.  Does it hurt?  Hell yes... Did it keep me from wanting to love? Hell NO.  Jeff taught me how to love and love with all my heart.  I think he would be disappointed in the way that some have acted since his passing in regards to how they have loved us.  We all cope in a different manner, I choose to leave the negative alone and focus on the positive.  The lessons I have acquired.  The life lessons that are making me a better ME.  I plan on loving as much as I can.... 

I love you Josh... You love me through my crazy moments and make me smile.  I say over and over how lucky I am to have you and the girls and I look forward to getting to know your little guy soon.  I always want to enhance your life.  I know that you are a gift... I treasure you !!! Thank you for continuing to be there for me and my boys and allowing us to celebrate Jeff.  You honor him in such a way that makes me fall in love with you over and over and over again... I can't wait to keep making memories and blending our families together and making plans.  

This is how I feel... I was cracked, broken and never thought I would be happy again... My soul is being restored and my spirit is not broken... 

Love the one you are with... Always say I love you !!!

Love,

Michelle and the Gang of H's with a few Ptak's hanging around