I find that when we are lost, we still hold onto things that make us comfortable. Sometimes, i think it can be as simple as a familiar food or a familiar face.. A connection to a song... I know when i am lost, i tend to search frantically those things that make me feel better.
I know that writing is a release for me. It helps to put it on paper.
"pen and paper don't lie "-Jeff Harrison
Most days i move right along and enjoy the memories of the past. I have separated my life into two compartments... Before Jeff passed away and after Jeff passed away.
The days that followed Jeffs death are blurry... I did not know who i was. I thought i was doing ok. Chances are I was not... I can not remember a time in my life where i felt so lost. I am lost now. I can not find my way. I can not figure out who i am.
I know that i am hurting emotionally. I am watching so many things spiral out of control. I run in circles trying to be the best me i can be. Trying to be Wife, a mother, a maid, a caregiver and i just cant do it... I cant.
I get tired of people telling me that they didnt hurt me. That's not their call... I know my heart and it is shattered for so many reasons...
I miss my people. The ones who hold me up when i am falling. I got to see my sister for a few minutes and it was good for my soul. I miss her and my squishy and my mini me. I miss my mom.
I feel like a tumbleweed lately... Not grounded... Fearful of my future, uncertain about life in general.
Nick is struggling again.. He is becoming aggressive and acting manic. Send him some good vibes. I am a mom 1st and i will always fight for my kids. I promised them i would never abandon them and i love them unconditionally. Right now, life is just hard.
Sorry this was not a very happy post. It is honest and raw
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