Vincit qui se vincit

Thanksgiving Lunch at Mossy Head Elementary 2013... and other random thoughts.

 

November is upon us, So, we ventured out today to have Thanksgiving Lunch with the boys at Mossy Head Elementary and it was a success.  Bittersweet to some extent today. Remembering when daddy used to be here to do these things makes us relive happy memories. 

 

My boys all know how much they were adored by their daddy and we have decided to enter the Holiday Season making some new memories... Not to erase what we have had in the past but to enhance and make new ones. 

 

 

Today at their School.  I am so proud of my boys.  We had a great time !!!

 

 

Justin, you are my world.  You are my rock.  I love you to the moon and back again.  I am so proud of the young man you have become.  I can not wait to see what your future holds and the opportunities that are awaiting you in that great big scary world.  I hope I have prepared you enough to tackle things not only seem impossible but to hit them head on.  You are a good big bru bru... 

 

Vincit qui se vincit = " she who conquers herself "

 

Isn't that half the battle.  Conquering yourself... I am my own worst critic, enemy, friend, lover, co-worker, boss, and room mate...  I have to give myself permission to fail.  Fail I have done, miserably in some areas of my life.  We all have.  Not one of us has simply excelled in all areas and all paths we have traveled.  It is ok...  I am ok... No matter what.  I will conquer myself.  I can not conquer anything else until I do. 

 

Love yourself, if you can not do that, you can not love anything else in the world.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin.. Accept you for you.  I am learning this throughout my journey into finding a new normal. 

 

Hug yourself...  Love and mwah to you all

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, Appendicitis... that's nothing... said no one ever !!!

 

Blog, Blog, Blog.....  I have had some time on my hands for the past couple of days since I had to have my appendix removed via emergency surgery on Monday morning to think.  This is a dangerous space for my head to get in.  I " think " enough for several people...  Those close to me will vouch for this.  I went to the Hospital Sunday evening after hours of Justin and my dad trying to convince me that something was wrong.  I knew it, I just did not want to deal with it.  I had some very important things taking place and did not want to actually face what I knew was about to happen. 

 

I caved and away we went.  My dad stayed here at the house with the kids and Justin rushed me to the ER.  Within an hour of being at the hospital they had me admitted, x rayed, ct scanned, lab work and a surgeon consulted.  There was fear of rupture, which I later learned is pretty serious.  I was just grateful that they  had been able to give me something to help with the pain and it had subsided just a bit so I could breath and carry on a simple conversation.  Did I mention that I was scared to death?  Well, I was... Terrified... I lost a couple of hours here and there from blurred memories, sign this, IV's and waiting on the OR to open up.  In fact, at one point, the Hospital had lost me and was not sure where I was.  Scary thought huh?  Successful removal of the appendix.  YAY !!! Recovering slowly and moving on past this traumatic experience.  I have to say that surrounding yourself with people that truly care about you is important.  I make no reservations when it comes to matters of my friends and family and the people that live in my heart.  I trust them.  Thank Goodness.  I remember laying there in pre op thinking... Jeff would be like " yep, she couldn't just have some stomach pain and then have it scheduled, ooohhh NNNOOOOOO...  she has to come in like a bull in a china shop all EMERGENCY and such to have it removed "  I giggled. 

 

My friend Kristina found me, she had no idea where I was, but it did not stop her.  When I came to she was there.  My dad and Felicia just took control of the boys and made it work.  Justin was cheerleader, and director of the production and made sure that I was taken care of.  My mom and Pops in GA and my family and friends there checked in and did everything they could from where they were to make sure everything was going as planned.  Josh flew in to PCB, got in his car and was there when I woke up, which is what he promised.  I am so fortunate to have people in my life today who are present and ready and willing to step it up when it is time.  I am eternally grateful that you all were there and that it is over...  :)

 

I have slept a good bit, hurt a great deal and am healing... Black and blue and swollen still, but that will go away... I was looking at the bruises today and thinking how horrific they look, but that in order to get to the other side of this appendicitis, it is what the process looks like.  I imagined for a minute that we all look bruised, black and blue at times in our lives, going through processes to get to the other side.  The bruises fade and where there was something ugly, most of the time, there is never ever a hint that something traumatic or ugly existed in the first place.  A clean slate, a new beginning...  My word  Attraversiamo... That is what I believe has been happening in our lives.  The bruises are beginning to fade, the horrific, traumatic experience is in the process of healing.  Does is void that is existed because the eye can not see the black and blue bruise anymore?  HELL NO...  It definitely existed and it was there and it hurt when you touched it, or even got close to it.  Does it mean that its easier to go through the journey of losing a spouse, my children their father ? No, it means it gets different... It means that you remember what that person meant to you, the lessons they left you hear with, the memories that no one can rob you of... No matter if you can see it or not. 

 

 

Ran across this pic this evening going through some photos...  Ready to put my knees in the wind soon...  Have a little work to do to the bike and then it's on... 

 

 

This blog was pretty much about ME...  The good the bad and the ugly parts of me that I reveal to you.  It's actually for ME, for my growth through this journey.  I write, so being able to go back and read blogs is therapeutic and shows me where I am growing and what I need to work on.  Josh is a blessing  in our lives and so far, we both have been there for each other on several occasions that were not so pretty and some true colors have shown...  I Love ya and thank you for stepping up and being there when I know it is not an easy circumstance sometimes.  I am not saying that I agree that I am a horrible patient, I am just saying if that 8 yr old inner self of me shows her butt again, she should get TIME OUT !!!!

 

Much love and hugs !!

Love the one your with... Hug longer always say I love you and never ever hurt people.  Be kind it's really very simple.....

 

The Gang of H's

 

A daddy.....

Lessons learned in life somehow find a way to surface when you least expect them.  The quote above is truly how I feel.  I do not have many friends in my world today.  The ones I do have, I know without a doubt will love me through the good, the ugly and the deepest darkest of my days.  You know who you are and I am forever grateful.  I learned many lessons and will continue to learn those lessons throughout this journey here.  One of the things that I constantly saw Jeff doing was loving without conditions.  He taught me this early in our relationship, he taught this to our children as babies, toddlers and the older ones into their young adult lives before he left this physical world.  I hope that I can continue to teach our kids by example and the way that I treat others.  If I tell you that I love you, you can believe that I have made sure you are in my heart and will forever be in my heart.  It means that no matter what, I will be there, loving you through the good and the ugly...  That I will do what I can to enhance your world and not complicate it. 

Jeff with Brett and Justin...

 

 



Jeff with Nick and Noland

 

 

Having 4 boys to raise has been quite an adventure, but I will tell you this...  The bond between mom and son is amazing, but nothing beats loving from daddy.  Daddy's are always the fun ones, the adventurous ones.  Dads make rainy days inside fun...  My boys truly miss their daddy and the love that they shared was amazing.  I am grateful that my boys all had an individual relationship with daddy...  There was also a good bit of time missed, when you think you have all the time in the world it becomes " less precious "  Unfortunately we have learned that lesson the hard way.  In some ways, I think we have a slight advantage....  We know the importance of time and what it means when it's GONE... POOF...  I cherish moments differently now.  I embrace the little things now.  I hold dear the tough moments as if they were as valuable as the smooth moments...  It's life, it's not how I envisioned it, but we are finding a peace that passes an understanding... Some days still SUCK...  I believe that there will always be days that will be harder than others.  We continue to go forward, we continue to try and live in the light and not the darkness where we resided for a bit.  I want Jeff to be proud of us and I have said it before, but I truly believe he is guiding us through this mess of life. 

 

 



A daddy and his boy.  My heart is smiling....  Make memories and cherish them. This brings me to Josh and his boy... Since we are on the subject of daddy's and their boys.  I hope you guys have tons of fun.  Treasure every minute...  Love you babe !!!

 

Hugs from the Gang of H's 

Hoping for a calmer sea soon.....

 

October has come and gone, typically we would be making our Holiday plans and scheduling the crazy boomerang trip to GA and who is going where and seeing who and for how long and then when will we return and is that going to be ok with the other family members ?  ETC, ETC.  Honestly, the Holiday's are the absolute last thing on my mind...  I know we will have to tackle it and once again I will be squared up full frontal with this bitch we call grief... Awaiting yet another paralyzing moment of emotional hostage taking that absolutely will not bend and wants nothing to do with negotiations of any sorts. 

 

 

We did manage to make it through Halloween... Every year I would be the " driver " and Jeff would hop in and out of the back of the truck and run the kids to several houses and then they would jump back in the bed of the truck looking like they had just robbed somebody smitten with what candy they had swindled  out the houses they had just hit. The boys loved it.  The day was a continuous conversation of remember when Dad did this ?  Remember when dad did that?  They have so many good memories that it reminds me that sometimes it is ok to smile and just rally in the moment of what was, that it is nobody's right to try and steal those moments away.  The thing about a memory is it is yours... Nobody and I mean Nobody can ever steal that from you.  It lives in your heart... I was bound and determined to make this a fun day to make some new memories, not that there was anything wrong with them remembering good, funny Dad moments, but just to create a continuous jog of good memories.  ( That's in my new job description, you know?  The description of what a widow mom is supposed to do... It's in the manual that does not exist. )

 

Justin spent a good deal of time helping put together their costumes and painting faces.. Adding to their accessories.  Ha Ha.. Noland decided that dad needed a balloon sent to him because 1) Dad did not know we had moved, nothing had been sent UP to him... and 2) this way he can spot us and see how we dressed up this year.  So, hands down, the balloon happened.  They were so sweet watching the balloon fade into the sky...

We then went to Downtown DeFuniak Springs and met some new friends and enjoyed the evening Trick or Treating.  We decided to go around the Lakeyard Homes, which is a beautiful area of Victorian Homes to Trick or Treat and got in the back of our new friends truck and basically got drenched.  We had a blast.  The kids laughed and really enjoyed themselves..  Mission Accomplished.

 

 

Nick had been itching to fish since we moved and this was the most pitiful little lake that is normally beautiful so we are told, but he HAD to fish so we went.  There was a park that Noland played on while I sat on the sand and just enjoyed watching them have FUN...

 

We are beginning to find some peace.  I am not sure if it will be short lived, but living simpler and more peacefully here in the woods is just what we needed.  The boys, Nick, Noland and Justin are adapting well and we are settling into a routine.  We miss Jeff wholeheartedly and know he would have loved this place.  I truly believe he has and will continue to guide us.  Our souls were connected on such a level that was sometimes scary.  I like to think that our souls will always be connected even though he is not here.  Yes, parenting without him SUCKS.  Knowing that I could not save him, SUCKS... Trying to be both parents to the little ones is scary as HELL.  I feel him around us and I ask myself over and over if this is what WE would have done together and collectively.  I truly feel like he has placed people in our lives as well.  He knows what we need and he will always be loved, his memories cherished, and truly missed.

 

 

Learning to live and be happy is ok.  We have to go forward, we can not stay in one spot and get anywhere...  I am fortunate to have Josh in our lives.  He helps us to giggle, be silly and it is nice to have somebody in our " corner "... There is no way of telling what the future holds, not a cliche' an absolute truth... I learned that the hard way. There are still some pretty rough days that we encounter and all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and surrender...  Thanks for reminding me that it is ok to just be " Happy Happy Happy !!! "

 

That's a wrap Jack !!!

 

Stick around, more will be revealed...

 

Much love and Hugs from the Gang of H's

 

Are we ENOUGH?

Are we ENOUGH?  In the daily grind of life, are we ever ENOUGH?  I think we are...  Absolutely ENOUGH.... I believe that we are our own worst critic... We walk around with that baseball bat beating ourselves senseless because we have to work long hours, or have commitments that promote helping others.  I have learned that my children know the difference. 

Recently, I was told by an amazing mom how bad she felt because she had worked double shifts to catch up on life that week and had only seen her children while they were sleeping...  She had not felt great about it, but it was something that had to be done.  This is one of those times when we question whether we are Enough !!!  This lady is one fantastic mom !!!  She rocks and she is teaching her children that life is not handed to you, that if you want to achieve something you must work for it. 

 

I have been there, having our businesses before made us work long hours.  I remember coming home and kissing my babies on the head and thinking " man, I hope one day they know why I work so hard and am not here before they go night night "

 

 

Do this every night with an 'I Love you': "Always kiss your children goodnight – even if they're already asleep" – H. Brown, Jr

We had a great visit this weekend with Brownie and Hannah...  They took off from GA and drove in Friday night.  It was so good to get some GA lovin...  We had so much fun exploring Defuniak Springs on Saturday and found this cute little Java Shack and stopped in for a coffee and sat outside and just enjoyed visiting.  I love them to pieces.. 

 

 

I love this saying.  It represents what I have to do...  I fall a lot...  But I always get up...  I will continue to get up no matter what. 

 

Love and Hugs to you all !!1

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

These are my PEOPLE, this is where I come from...

I flew to GA on Friday and got to see my girlie, Jennifer and her hubby Jon and their son Aaron, I did not get to see my buddy Caleb, he was at School...  Bummer !!!  We had an awesome lunch at Margo's and got to visit and actually spend a few minutes together... I also got to grab some hugs from Ms. Deb...  She is so precious to me and I love her sooo much and her family.  Especially got some good lovin from Lexie...  I miss them so much.  We made tons of memories in those Friday night's under the lights...  Whoo Hoo...GO BEARS !!!! 

 

 

Of course I got to see my mom and we spent some time together too.  Actual girl time.  Toes and Nails and the whole nine yards.  Just me and my mom...  Been a long time since that happened...  and you know that I had to see my sissy and my squishy and mini me.  We had dinner at my sisters and I finally got a kiss from Squishy.  I tried all evening...  I even made her cry by running out of the room with her so she could not see anybody and that did NOT work.  As I was leaving, she waved bye bye and then gave me some love...  Thanks goodness Isaac had his camera ready !!!  Got to work on that.  It dang nearly broke my heart... 

 

That brings me to Lisa's Ride...  Lisa's Ride is a Ride that Jeff and I have done for the last 8 years.  This was the 9th Ride.. This was the first one Jeff was not physically present for.  There was a lot of our brother's and sisters that had so many nice things to say about him.  We remembered his passion for selling raffle tickets.  He would offer to strip if you bought them from him.  He was such a nut.  I miss him...  I got to ride the ride and that was super important.  This Ride is a way to raise funds for Suicide Prevention and funds advocacy for the stigma that surrounds Suicide.  Lisa was a friends of mine's daughter that was affected by depression and unfortunately a victim of suicide.  It is for such a great cause, and I was so honored to be able to participate this year...  To all my brother's and sister's that I have ridden so many miles with and have had the pleasure of loving all these years, know that you all hold a special place in my heart and Jeff adored you all !! 

Me, Diane, and my Mom at the ride.  My mom actually stayed and hung with all the biker folks.  ha ha !!!  We had fun, enjoyed the raffle and auction and just chilled out for the afternoon with good people...  doesn't get much better than that...  thank you mom for being there for me and spending the day with me. 

Me and my bestie Jennifer at the pub in griffin...  We had so much fun, saw some things we can not un-see, even with eye bleach !!!  I LOVE YOU !!!!! 

Me, Kenny and his friend at the ride.  Kenny is the keeper of Jeff's ashes.  They ride in his saddle bag and wherever Kenny goes, Jeff goes...  So, Jeff was with us at the ride... Not in a conventional manner, but in spirit and somewhat a physical matter.....  Good times, and great day !!!  Love you Kenny....

I could not blog without including a sweet pic of me and my mini me, Lola !!!  Love her to pieces.  I don't have to try and get lovin from her.  She freely offers it !!! 

 

 

I have shared this pic a million times, but this is how I see Jeff in the afterlife.  Riding the sky...  The boys always talk about their travels on the bike and how much they miss him.  I just imagine him like this and know he is whole, healed and guiding us through this messy life we have to live here.  I believe he is putting people in my life for a reason and navigating us in the direction that is the best for us.  We had such an amazing time on our journey, ended way to soon.... However, I try to remember that it is simply a pause.  I choose to live life today.... I choose to go forward....  That's what he wanted for us. 

 

Much love and Hugs to you all !!1

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

Attraversiamo... To Jump, To Navigate, Cross Over into a new Journey...

It begins now a new chapter in our ever changing, forever finding this new normal.....  We have crossed over into a new journey... Full of excitement, new beginnings, and lots and lots of new memories....

 

 

 

Jeff passing away left me with a multitude of feelings.  Will I ever have the life I had before?  Will missing him ever lessen at all?  Will I be ok?  How will I do this without him?  Where will the strength come from?  Amazingly you already know the answers to these questions.  The quote I have been pondering is " It gets hard with everybody calling you brave when you've never been so scared in your life." I had cancer and I knew I would kick it's ass.  It did not stand a chance.  I had everything in my corner, support, emotional stability, my cheerleaders and my children...  Today, Bravery seems to be the hardest of all the things I have acquired to actually " get "  if you will.

 

People tell me all the time, meaning no harm, " You are so brave, how do you do this ? "  I have no idea.  Except I am not brave.  I am scared !!!  Fear that has never ever reared its head in my entire life has somehow shown up and stood full frontal daring me to shake it down, while all along the fear I have shakes my inner soul.  So, what do you do?  You take back a couple of steps and decide what part of that fear you will tackle at that moment.  You can not tackle it all at one time.  Pieces at a time, that is the only way to successfully get through that moment. Those of you that know me, know I am always looking for something to " tackle "  so that's what I do...  I ram it !! Take it to the floor, master it, decide I will not succumb to it and I win !!!  

 

Our last picture at the condo.  Bittersweet, Love where we are, but hated to leave such good people that have showed up and helped me over and over again.  I love my LTW misfits.  Did I mention I was named Queen Misfit?  oh yea !!!

 

My boys are loving the bonfires and grilling.  They had their first day at School yesterday and LOVED it !!  Made friends, very positive day... So glad for them !!!

 

Well, it seems Jeff is getting around.  Here is my sweet friend and brother Kenny P.  He went to Key west and brought his wing man with him in his saddle bags... Jeff would have not had that any other way...  Finally got down there after all these years.  I know he was thrilled.  Kenny, thank you.  You know he would not have had that any other way and he's always with you...  Just like here !!! 

 

 

Thank you too, again...  You make me giggle and laugh and just make it ok sometimes when it feels like it's never going to be ok again.  You are there for me a lot.  Hope I can always be there for you too.  Love you much !!!

 

So, from our house in the boonies to yours, love the one you are with.... Life is short, LIVE it...  never ever take anyone for granted and always say I love you !!!

 

Love, Michelle and the Gang of H's