Life continues on... Changes happen.... We just learn to roll with it !!!

HOME ..... VERY SOON !!!

Revealing our big news...  We are moving...  Excited.... Scared.... ( to fricken death ) ... Excited... Whoa !!! Lots of feelings... However, hesitation is not one of them.  The boys are ready, beyond ready...  The yard is huge and everyone will have their own bedroom... Yay !!!  Even ME !!!!  Looking forward to hay bales in the driveway with fall decorations and lots and lots of new memories...  It's a good thing...  Some may not agree, who cares...  It's right for us....

Making all the preparations for the move.... Never ever ever have I done this by myself.  Getting Nick and Noland squared away at the new School... Moving the IEP, meeting with the placement resource teachers.  Everybody has been so helpful...  It's a very small school compared to what they have been attending for 3 years, I think that is going to be so beneficial to them and ME...  Hoping I can volunteer more at the School...  Another step forward... Attraversiamo.... ( you know who you are )

Gdaddy and his boys.  Wow !!! My dad and Felicia will be in the same town as us...  Excitement is a brewing...  I have been here with no family for 3 years.  Those who know me, know that FAMILY is the up most important thing to me and my kids.  Lots of good things happening...

I am feeling great, except when it's close to treatment time or the rain comes flooding in for several days in a row... I keep requesting no more than a couple of hours of rain at a time, but the memo must not be getting any attention.  I am so excited for fall, the move and what is in store for us in the future.  Kicking rocks in the yard, dirt roads, bonfires, and chilling on the porch during one of those rains...  

This has been the quote I have pondered on recently.  I usually share with you all something that I am holding dear to my heart.  This is it right now.  I have been judged and continue to be judged by so many because of what I believe and how I choose to live my life and raise my children, that I too have to be careful to not cast judgement on anyone.  If we are different, that's what makes the world go round.  

We continue to go onward and upward, making Jeff proud, knowing he is watching over us and keeping us safe and guiding us when we need it.

My love to you all....

Michelle and the gang of H's

Tangled up in what?

Yep,  That's what is says " All tangled up in my Underwear ".....  It's a southern thing....  Hopefully, for those who are not familiar with that term, ya'll can figure it out...  ha ha ha !!!

This is the term I refer to when I just can not get rid of my anxiety.  I have had quite a bit lately.  Nick and Noland's Medical Insurance has been cancelled...  Have no idea why... Went to get medication refilled and the pharmacy let me know.  Will have to call on Monday... Until then, Nick is not having great days.  Ugghhhh.  The balancing of life and all it's uncertainties is draining some days.  Nick also ran at School.  I am sure it will all level out.  We have a lot going on that is difficult for him to process I believe.

Now for our BIG NEWS... We are moving.  We are staying in Florida...  Absolutely, without a doubt.  That will not change.  We are moving about an hour from Panama City Beach... The area we are moving to is country... quiet, serene, and calm.  The boys will have a yard to play in and ride their bicycles.  They are excited...  The school is great and will have resources available for Nick and I believe it is just time.  The condo has been great, but there is constantly something going on, an event, or it's crowded.  Just time to get back to simpler living and continue to heal...

The Beach will only be about 30 minutes away, but there are other areas with bodies of water, like these beautiful springs we can play in and explore.  Looking forward to the change.  I will not lie; I am scared to death.  I was recently reminded that I am no alone.  I sometimes forget that....  We will be ok.  We will be better than ok.. We will be awesome !!!

Not much to blog on...  Just trying to shake that feeling " all tangled up in my underwear "  Ya'll enjoy each other.  Take time to tell the one you are with that you love them...  Life is short !!! LIVE IT !!!

Love and Hugs,
Michelle and the gang of H's

" All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another" - Anatole France

I have reflected on this poster " You know my name not my STORY " for a couple of weeks.  If you do not know my story, it is a direct reflection of my inability to convey it to you.  It has high points, low points, some places that I do not even want to look at again.  I try very hard to keep positive, be strong, go forward... My story however, had a pause if you will... a ; ( semi colon ) When an author uses a semi colon it is their choice to not end the sentence, but begin a new sentence.  A pause if you will...  My story, has a semi colon.  My wrist bears the mark of a tattoo of a semi colon.  I have hit on this point once in a blog I did a couple of months ago,  but decided this needs to be revisited for me.  

I had an amazing journey with Jeff... He was my rock, he grounded me, loved me unconditionally.  He wanted me to be happy and live.  I am living.  I am going forward.  We as a family are making changes, a lot of changes.  We are beginning to have more happy days than sad ones.  Do we miss Jeff?  Hell yea !!! 

Do not judge what we do, do not think you know what we are going through and learning how to survive.  You don't know !!! Love us from a distance if you can not be near us.  Understand that we can be happy again.  I am honoring Jeff in every way I can.  Raising our children the way he would be proud.  Being there for the older boys.  It is hard to wear both hats, especially when he was so " hands on " with all our kids and the ones that were not ours. 

So, bottom line, if you are in our lives, know we love you...  Your opinion of what we are doing right or wrong is " Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys"  Love that saying...  I do not believe in judging others for what they do in their lives.  We, however, are going to keep doing what we have to in order to get " happy happy happy "  The boys are doing well in School...  Justin is almost " in " at the Volunteer Fire Station and should start the Fire academy very soon...  Brett is doing well in Fort Myers and we miss him bunches.

Justin completed the 110 flights of stairs climbed in memory of 9-11 this past weekend.  I am so proud of him.  He had his heart in it and was training and completed it !!!  He has such a serving heart... Makes a mama proud !!! 

The little guys made tool boxes... I am sure that was a little gift from Jeff in Heaven...  of all the projects to make, it was a tool box...  They had a good time.  !!!

That brings me to this awesome guy...  He has been there for me in so many ways.  When I need to clear my head and just ride, he shows up... No questions asked.  He makes me laugh and he listens to me when I need to scream...  Mostly, he makes me smile !!!  I am so grateful to have him in my life... Love ya !!!

From my family to yours, Hope you all are doing well... We are... We will continue to go forward !! 

Love and Hugs,

Michelle and the Gang of H's 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKOLAS ROBERT HARRISON

AUGUST 27TH, 2004

 

 

 

 

Tried to get this post up last night for Nick's Birthday,  spent way too much time on it and finally surrendered, not willingly... 

 

Happy Birthday to my sweet sweet son Nikolas.  You had a trying beginning to life and have continued the fight every day... You were placed in  my arms when you were 3.5 months old and barely weighed 7 lbs... Tiny, Tiny, Tiny thing...  I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to be your mommy.  You give me challenges, oh boy do you give me challenges.  We overcome them and always will.  I promised to always be your voice, you inspire me to be a better me.  I love you !

 

You may not have grown in my tummy, but I carried you in my heart and always will. 

 

Love, Hugs and Sandy toes

 

The Gang of H's

This first, first day of school on our own!!!

Today was the first day of School for Nick and Noland...  Yay !! ( Thankful no one can see my happy dance= not exactly pretty )  We made it through another Summer, a different Summer...  But we made it !!!  I was going to go into all the things that made today pretty tough, but I have decided to instead spin this into something positive.  So, you get the positives...

 

* Nick is in Mr. Pierce's class again this year !!!  We love Mr. Pierce :)

 

* The boys were super excited this morning and we had a happy fun time getting them to School

 

*  Noland has a great Teacher.  I love her !!!  Know her from years past at the School.

 

* Breakfast Point certainly had security underway this morning.  I counted 13 officers at various check points... Once you got through security you felt like you had accomplished everything you had set out to do for the entire day !!!  It is great to see it at the School...

 

*  It has been a quiet, relaxed day !! except for some idiots I had to deal with on the phone !! Whole nother BLOG !!!

 

 

Happy Boys this morning !!!

 

Hope you all have a great week and try and remember that it is not always smooth sailing, but eventually it all evens out and we get to catch our breath and get ready for the next wave...

 

Hugs, Love and Sandy Toes

 

Michelle and the Gang of H's

 

Life Happens...While we are busy making plans....

Not especially my favorite phrase " Well, bless your heart "... However, being southern, means we hear that a whole lot.  Most of the time when it is used, I believe that it's truly someone trying to sympathize with your situation, other times, instead of being rude or saying something ugly, we simply bless your heart...  ( insert long southern draw here ).  On this journey, I have had a lot of folks blessing my heart...  I do okay, most days.  Then there are the days when it's just not a good one.  I try to imagine Jeff and what he would say to me when I get in that not so happy place.  Most of the time it's a smack on the back of the head and hearing him say " come on, go...  let's go....  what are you thinking?  don't just sit here.  Do something.... Nothing changes Michelle, if nothing changes. "  Ya'll can hear it too can't ya?  We have had some not so pleasant days in the last couple of weeks and some great ones too...  Comes with the territory, people tell me it's LIFE... 

Justin finished his EMT course and is now awaiting taking his state test and can move forward with working soon.  He is starting Fire Science Program at the college.  I am very proud of him, he is loving school, much differently than his love for High School, which did not exist unless it was him on the football field..  He has such a passion to help others and that makes me smile.  He has had to step up in a lot of ways that most young adults have not had to do and I recognize that in a lot of his behaviors lately, nothing negative, he's just learning some life lessons at a young age.  Justin is also applying at the volunteer station here in PCB too.  Hopeful he can begin this journey and he is working hard. 

 

It's that time of year again, getting ready for School to start...  Nick and Noland are excited this year and so is mom !!!!!!  It's been a loooonnngggg summer... ha ha ha !!!  We love routines, and when school is happening, oh my gosh, the routines are so much more effective and easier to abide by.  We have enjoyed grilling out here with our Laketown Wharf Misfits friends...  and swimming, and going to Gulf World and seeing the Dolphins... We enjoyed a family trip back to Georgia a couple of weeks ago and the boys got to see family and friends.  We had a great time. 

 

I am learning what makes me smile again.  It's different, not impossible...  It's a choice.  A hard choice some days.  We have some changes coming in the near future about moving from the Condo.  We have loved it hear until recently.  There has been an incredible amount of crime here and some safety issues have been compromised for me that are not repairable.  Changing of management companies is not proving to be a positive change here and there are a ton of people that feel the same way I do  Change is not good for this family !!!  We have had a lot of that and it has been so negative.  I am trying to look at moving as " fresh " renewing !!  Yes, spinning words sometimes helps.  I can't compromise my safety or my kids safety.  I do not like feeling unsafe.  Will post more once we are sure of the specifics !!!  Ya'll send some positive energy out there in the Universe and some Light and I'll be sure to catch it and hope it helps to guide us. 

 

 

It also helps having people around that you can just be silly with.  Goofing off and just having fun.  I am learning it's okay to laugh today.  It's okay to have fun...  I am a better person when I am able to just be ME !!! 

 

Hugs, Love and Sandy Toes Ya'll

Love the Gang of H's

 

 

 

Another Weekend Falls upon us... Success... We survived :)

 

Isn't that the ultimate goal?  To become " your highest self "  Can that even be accomplished?  Once we achieve our personal goals, do we continue to set the bar at an unreachable high?  These are things that ponder my thoughts and keep me up at night. 

 

Pain, the ultimate game changer.  The emotional pain, the physical pain, the emotional pain, the spiritual pain, the people in your life that can be a pain...  We all experience it.  I have determined that a reasonable amount of pain, whether it be physical or psychological is somewhat healthy.  Pain can help us feel again when we have become numb from the experiences that life throws at us.  It can open our eyes to see things from a new perspective.  I witnessed this morning a small child that is battling brain cancer.  He is fragile to say the least.  He is pale, sick, and going through what most of us could not even bear to think of...  He must first endure that pain to get to the next level, the game changer, to become healthy again.  Do we interpret that as positive or negative.  Honestly, it breaks my heart to see him.  Such a sweet innocent child, but I know that he will emerge through that pain and be healed.  His outlook is positive, and long term it is curable.  So, again, I plague you with pain...  positive or negative?

 

I meant to do a special blog on my sweet Lola's birthday, but as usual life handed me a box of chocolate and I had no idea what I was gonna get that day.  I did get to fly to Atlanta on Friday before her birthday and see her and squishy and my sissy and Isaac and got some GA love and then flew home.  Too short, I miss them terribly.  I got to grab a hug from my daddy-o too.  Good lovin'  Missed seeing my mom, but it was short notice and I grab her on my next fly by...

 

 

This quote is so true.  I had to take Nick to see his psychiatrist on Monday.  We entered into a situation with Nick that is not favorable right now.  We are tapering off Thorazine and adding another medication in a couple of weeks.  They are also adding an additional diagnosis ( as if he needs another dx )  Tourette's... Yippy.  So, we still have a lot of behavioral modifications to go through and try and get all this under control before school starts mid August.  It's tough to see him struggle and withdraw from medications.  Although, we are doing it as gently as we can, it's still tough and he does not feel well and when my kids hurt, I hurt. Bottom line.  I had quite the meltdown on Monday after returning from the Dr. with him.  I was just feeling like I was not enough, not strong enough, not the one to do this.  Where did my team go?  oh yea, I am a single parent now.  That's what sucks.  Hell, all of it sucks.  I am learning to cope and have some good people in my life that cheer me up when I need it.  They listen and love me through it. 

 

Thank you for just showing up and knowing when I need to put my knees in the wind.  Sometimes that is the only way I can get through the next moment.  I am grateful to you in a multitude of ways but without me even saying it, you know how help me smile.  :)  Life is good sometimes, even in the midst of all the crap that we are going through.  It's nice to have good people around you... 

 

These people here help me to laugh and remember it's okay to have fun too.  Grilling at the Laketown Wharf...  We are the LTW misfits.  Good times and good people.  You all mean the world to me. !!!  Hugs and much love to you all....

 

All I have to say is " I love you "  thank you for not judging me and for taking me to eat yogurt.  Yum !!!  You always listen and it helps... Whether you know it or not. 

 

Well, love hugs and sandy toes to you all

 

Michelle and the gang of H's