I have struggled with this blog for days now. Why? I have no idea... tons of things going on with the Holidays and the Anniversaries that we have experienced in this last week. Kid parties at Schools, Psych Appointments, maintaining the house, phone calls to straighten out what the government is supposed to take care of in the first place with Survivor Benefits... Sitting on hold, promising to be called back... bwahhhhhhh !!! Like that ever happens... and REFLECTIONS of the last year.. whew !!! Get all that?
So, I ran across this post about " What makes me a bad ass? " hmmmmm, well... I guess I never really thought of myself as a " bad ass " but according to this definition. I am claiming it. I am not going to make this blog about the hell we have endured, but I will say this... Instead of staying in the dark place that I was in, I have found the light. Some days, a very dim light... I am still working on me, Michelle, the one I can not get away from no matter how hard I try... Wherever I go, there I am.
On this journey, I have discovered that people associate widowhood with weakness, that if you have been put in this predicament then you must be meek. I beg to differ. I connect with a lot of widows and widowers and one thing I can tell you is that we are the toughest, realistic people you can associate with. Please stop telling us that your "divorce" is the " same " as our loss. Really? Yes your world was shattered, and can not be put back together, yes, it sucks to go through a divorce, but our spouses did not run off with a two bit whore, or gamble away our savings, or beat us. They died. Very different. Two very opposite ends of the spectrum. The similarities in starting over and learning to cope as single parents etc is somewhat the same.... I am no weak. If you think I am, challenge me. I can explain things to you that I have experienced in this journey that will make your skin crawl...
There are people that I have put distance between us because I could not take the fact that to see me fail made them smile. It takes a lot to shake me to the core of affecting my soul. It has happened and I can guarantee you it will never ever happen again. I believe in being KIND. I believe in LOVE. I believe that one day they will recognize what they have done and I hope it's not too late.... this blog was just to get some things off my mind. It's simply that. It's not a rant, may seem that way, it is not. The blog is for me to journal my feelings and the going on's in our lives and have a collective way to go back and read them and see the growth or see what needs to be worked on. It's a great tool in healing...
We have lots of positive changes going on in our lives. We have been in search of that " new normal " for quite some time and I believe we are mastering it. It's been a slow process. We are discovering our new town that we live in and enjoying the country and the company that we keep. My boys are discovering that we are OK. We are remembering the happy memories and can laugh today more than we cry. Spending more time with Josh and the kids is quite an adventure and I love it. I truly believe that Jeff continues to guide us. He lives in our hearts and has brought someone into my life that is absolutely amazing. He is patient and kind. He makes me smile and we hope to continue on this path of making new memories having a blast doing it.
Love the one your with, say what you feel, always say I love you !!!
From us in the boonies to you all !!!
More will be revealed.
Michelle and the Gang of H's
No comments:
Post a Comment