I See NOISES !!!

So, Thought I would blog this evening.  I went to GA last Monday and saw my Dr. there and we changed my pain medication to something different.  Got home, it was not working....  The Dr had told me that if it didn't work to call back and he would make a decision to change it and we would work through it...  I called, waiting on return phone call...  Phone call came that I needed to see a Dr. down here in FL.  He was unable to continue treating me due to some new regulations.  That is not making me a happy camper...  I have been trying to manage the RA myself.  Involving a ton of Goody's powders combined with Ibuprofen.  I am pretty sure that my liver is screaming...  And the pain is not resolved.

I have been in freak out mode.  Scared of where I have come from in regards to the wheelchair and being in that position again.  I will NOT go back there... NEVER !!!  I have continued to do YOGA and continue to move...  I refuse to sit and allow this shit to take me over.. So, with that being said I continue on day in and day out searching for a solution and not getting stuck in the problem... I am a firm believer in Mind over Matter and what positive energy you put into the Universe will come back to you...

I get overwhelmed with Life...  that's just the truth.  I am fortunate to have my children and family and friends that remind me that my story did not end because of RA or becoming a Widow...  Life goes on... How we rally in the loss is what matters.  I will not say that I have handled or coped with the loss or the pain of RA in the best manner.  I make mistakes, I isolate, I get angry and I occasionally just Lose It !!!  At the end of the day I can honestly say that no matter what I have done I did  the best I can do with what ever the situation is at the time. 

Jeff and I had an amazing journey.  We miss him and his humor so much... I still believe he is guiding us and if I am STILL I can feel him around us.  Sometimes it is a smack in the back of the head. ha ha ha !!!  I am fortunate that I believe in love.  He taught me that lesson and I cherish it immensely daily.  I truly learned the value of appreciating what you have.  I have discovered that in this great big world people do not cherish what they have.  They step outside of their vows and cheat, and are disrespectful to the one they are with.  They say the words " I love you " but there is nothing behind it.  My heart has never been broken.  Jeff treated me with respect and was faithful and loved me when I could not love myself...  If you are reading this and are one of those people who think that it's OK to not be faithful or to treat the one you are with ugly... Just remove yourself and spare that person the hurt... Just be kind to one another...  ( I am not judging anyone... I just can not stress enough how short time here on Earth is... do not have regrets... )

I believe that I have been truly lucky to have Josh in my life today knowing that he loves me and my kids unconditionally...Most people never ever even have this experience once... WOW to have this opportunity again is truly breathtaking and amazing...  ( we are a lot to love and pretty complicated to love as well, those that know me are chuckling right now ).  I was once in a space where I did not ever feel that I would be happy again.  I hoped I would, but it seemed so far away. I am smiling today more than I have in a long time.  We are making plans together and making new memories and remembering the good times now instead of just what happened to us....

This brings me to FEAR:

I have resolved to the fact that facing my fears on this journey of " widowhood " was the only way to regain control of what I could no longer control.  I had to dream...  I had to LIVE... In so many ways I did not want to do either.  I am so glad I did... I share my story with other widows and knowing that they know exactly where I was and where I am headed in comforting. Allowing the fear to shake me down and win had to come to an end.  I faced it full frontal... Gave it everything I had and allowed the support of family and friends to help me through it.  Am I still fearful of things?  You betcha... Will I face them... Absolutely... I have come a long way and do not intend on retreating.  We all deal with things differently.  There is no right or wrong... Before you judge, ask yourself if you can really imagine what hell someone has been through and what you would do yourself?  You can't... Not even if I showed you a small glimpse of what I have been through... No way, No how !!! I can however, COPE and get through it...  The best way I can...

 

 

My story does not end here... It continues onward...  We have a lot of living to do and fun to be had. 

Hugs and much love to you all !!!

 

Mwah -

 

Michelle and the gang of H's