Widowhood, badasses, and giggles... OH MY !!!

I have struggled with this blog for days now.  Why?  I have no idea...  tons of things going on with the Holidays and the Anniversaries that we have experienced in this last week.  Kid parties at Schools, Psych Appointments, maintaining the house, phone calls to straighten out what the government is supposed to take care of in the first place with Survivor Benefits...  Sitting on hold, promising to be called back...  bwahhhhhhh !!! Like that ever happens...  and REFLECTIONS of the last year.. whew !!! Get all that? 

 

So, I ran across this post about " What makes me a bad ass? "  hmmmmm, well... I guess I never really thought of myself as a " bad ass " but according to this definition. I am claiming it.  I am not going to make this blog about the hell we have endured, but I will say this... Instead of staying in the dark place that I was in, I have found the light.  Some days, a very dim light... I am still working on me, Michelle, the one I can not get away from no matter how hard I try... Wherever I go, there I am.

 

On this journey, I have discovered that people associate widowhood with weakness, that if you have been put in this predicament then you must be meek.  I beg to differ.  I connect with a lot of widows and widowers and one thing I can tell you is that we are the toughest, realistic people you can associate with.  Please stop telling us that your "divorce" is the " same " as our loss.  Really?  Yes your world was shattered, and can not be put back together, yes, it sucks to go through a divorce, but our spouses did not run off with a two bit whore, or gamble away our savings, or beat us.  They died.  Very different.  Two very opposite ends of the spectrum.  The similarities in starting over and learning to cope as single parents etc is somewhat the same.... I am no weak.  If you think I am, challenge me.  I can explain things to you that I have experienced in this journey that will make your skin crawl... 

There are people that I have put distance between us because I could not take the fact that to see me fail made them smile.  It takes a lot to shake me to the core of affecting my soul.  It has happened and I can guarantee you it will never ever happen again.  I believe in being KIND.  I believe in LOVE.  I believe that one day they will recognize what they have done and I hope it's not too late.... this blog was just to get some things off my mind.  It's simply that.  It's not a rant, may seem that way, it is not.  The blog is for me to journal my feelings and the going on's in our lives and have a collective way to go back and read them and see the growth or see what needs to be worked on.  It's a great tool in healing...

 

We have lots of positive changes going on in our lives.  We have been in search of that " new normal " for quite some time and I believe we are mastering it.  It's been a slow process.  We are discovering our new town that we live in and enjoying the country and the company that we keep.  My boys are discovering that we are OK.  We are remembering the happy memories and can laugh today more than we cry.  Spending more time with Josh and the kids is quite an adventure and I love it.  I truly believe that Jeff continues to guide us.  He lives in our hearts and has brought someone into my life that is absolutely amazing.  He is patient and kind.  He makes me smile and we hope to continue on this path of making new memories having a blast doing it. 

 

Love the one your with, say what you feel, always say I love you !!!

 

From us in the boonies to you all !!!

More will be revealed.

 

Michelle and the Gang of H's

 



Happy Birthday Noland...

Happy Birthday Noland...

December 10th, 2004

 

 

Not flesh of my flesh.
Not bone of my bone.

 But still miraculously my own.
And never forget for a minute.
You were not born under my heart.
You were born in my heart.
Unknown

 

 

I try and write on each one of my children's Birthday's....  My hope is that when they are older they can always have my thoughts to reflect back on.  Noland was born in Amarillo Tx and was placed in my custody when he was 5 weeks old.  He was a sick little guy and actually spent his first 9 days with us in the NICU being treated for Reflux...  It was so sad...  It was scary too...  The fact that he was sick was scary but the even scarier part was that we had been given this amazing gift of Noland. 

 

We fell in love with him the instant we laid eyes on him and knew that we had to fight for him too...  See, we were already in a fight to keep Nick safe and had hopes to adopt him. This was like the cherry on top.  Brother's together...

 

I feel so fortunate to have him and I am grateful every day even the days when he challenges me, which lately have been pretty regular.  This last year has been incredibly difficult and learning all of our new normal's has been trying for us all. 

 

 

I love his creativity and he is developing a love for music and I think he could be talented in that area.  He has always loved trucks and big heavy equipment and absolutely adores the motorcycle.. 

 

He misses his daddy but knows that he lives in his heart and always is watching over him and protecting him and if he will be still he can have the gift of his daddy guiding him in life. 

 

Today we celebrate Noland's birth and I also celebrate his birth mom. Without her, he would no exist... He is not of my flesh, but I labored for him in my heart and fought for him as I would a child that I had carried myself. 

 

 

This is one of Noland's favorite pictures...  It's not the best pic but he and his daddy were two peas in a pod with riding and going everywhere together.  Those who knew Jeff know why.  Everything and everywhere was an adventure.  Never mattered where it was or what they were doing... So, when I mentioned to him I needed to blog for his birthday.  He reminded me to put this picture in here.  So here ya go !!!

 

 

This was the last Birthday that Noland celebrated with his daddy here in the physical world.  He will be here with him this year, it will just be spiritually...  He never leaves us ; this I know... He loved us too much... 

 

So, Noland- I love you to the moon and back again Infinity !!!  I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY !!!  I am also so glad you were born and I have been given the gift of being your Mommy !!!  We have a special dinner to celebrate with tonight...  Good times and Good memories...

 

Hugs and Love

 

the Harrisons - aka The gang of H's

 

 



Family, Friends and Lots of LOVE !!!

 

 

Thanksgiving this year was exciting and apprehensive.  It's approach brought with it some expected feelings, however, we made it... Not only did we make it, but we did it smiling, surrounded by family and friends and some amazing food....  Yummy... Knowing Jeff was watching over us and he was smiling too...  We miss you terribly but will continue to LIVE !!!

 

 

We are so grateful for Brownie...  She is amazing.  I love her to pieces.  She truly knows my heart and loves me no matter what.  She shows up and that is all I need... Her journey from Georgia to Florida to spend the Holiday with us was awesome...  I love you Brownie... 

 

My mom and Pops also made the Journey here from Georgia.  It was really exciting for me to share with them our new home and our new hometown... Those hugs mean so much more to me now than they ever did...  They have to LAST till our next visit...  We try not to go too long between visits, but life happens and sometimes you can not control the distance or time. 

 

We also had Gdaddy, my dad and Gmama, Felicia here this year to celebrate with us.  It was so cool to have the house filled with chatter, music and celebration after a long pause of those things happening for us.  I am elated to have been able to have this experience and will treasure this as I have learned to treasure more and more today than  ever...

 

My kiddies were super smiley all day.  My heart smiled all day !!!  What an awesome feeling = want more smiley days... 

 

 

Josh,

I am so grateful to have you in my life.  I say it over and over, You make me smile, you are always there for me and I truly hope that I am there for you when you need me.  So here's to an awesome start to the Holiday Season...  Hoping to make memories and lots and lots of smiles... I love ya !!

 

 

Love the one you are with, enjoy the company you keep and never ever take anyone for granted.  Tell people how you feel...  Have no REGRETS !!!  and LIVE !!! 

 

Mwah.

The Gang of H's

 



Vincit qui se vincit

Thanksgiving Lunch at Mossy Head Elementary 2013... and other random thoughts.

 

November is upon us, So, we ventured out today to have Thanksgiving Lunch with the boys at Mossy Head Elementary and it was a success.  Bittersweet to some extent today. Remembering when daddy used to be here to do these things makes us relive happy memories. 

 

My boys all know how much they were adored by their daddy and we have decided to enter the Holiday Season making some new memories... Not to erase what we have had in the past but to enhance and make new ones. 

 

 

Today at their School.  I am so proud of my boys.  We had a great time !!!

 

 

Justin, you are my world.  You are my rock.  I love you to the moon and back again.  I am so proud of the young man you have become.  I can not wait to see what your future holds and the opportunities that are awaiting you in that great big scary world.  I hope I have prepared you enough to tackle things not only seem impossible but to hit them head on.  You are a good big bru bru... 

 

Vincit qui se vincit = " she who conquers herself "

 

Isn't that half the battle.  Conquering yourself... I am my own worst critic, enemy, friend, lover, co-worker, boss, and room mate...  I have to give myself permission to fail.  Fail I have done, miserably in some areas of my life.  We all have.  Not one of us has simply excelled in all areas and all paths we have traveled.  It is ok...  I am ok... No matter what.  I will conquer myself.  I can not conquer anything else until I do. 

 

Love yourself, if you can not do that, you can not love anything else in the world.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin.. Accept you for you.  I am learning this throughout my journey into finding a new normal. 

 

Hug yourself...  Love and mwah to you all

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, Appendicitis... that's nothing... said no one ever !!!

 

Blog, Blog, Blog.....  I have had some time on my hands for the past couple of days since I had to have my appendix removed via emergency surgery on Monday morning to think.  This is a dangerous space for my head to get in.  I " think " enough for several people...  Those close to me will vouch for this.  I went to the Hospital Sunday evening after hours of Justin and my dad trying to convince me that something was wrong.  I knew it, I just did not want to deal with it.  I had some very important things taking place and did not want to actually face what I knew was about to happen. 

 

I caved and away we went.  My dad stayed here at the house with the kids and Justin rushed me to the ER.  Within an hour of being at the hospital they had me admitted, x rayed, ct scanned, lab work and a surgeon consulted.  There was fear of rupture, which I later learned is pretty serious.  I was just grateful that they  had been able to give me something to help with the pain and it had subsided just a bit so I could breath and carry on a simple conversation.  Did I mention that I was scared to death?  Well, I was... Terrified... I lost a couple of hours here and there from blurred memories, sign this, IV's and waiting on the OR to open up.  In fact, at one point, the Hospital had lost me and was not sure where I was.  Scary thought huh?  Successful removal of the appendix.  YAY !!! Recovering slowly and moving on past this traumatic experience.  I have to say that surrounding yourself with people that truly care about you is important.  I make no reservations when it comes to matters of my friends and family and the people that live in my heart.  I trust them.  Thank Goodness.  I remember laying there in pre op thinking... Jeff would be like " yep, she couldn't just have some stomach pain and then have it scheduled, ooohhh NNNOOOOOO...  she has to come in like a bull in a china shop all EMERGENCY and such to have it removed "  I giggled. 

 

My friend Kristina found me, she had no idea where I was, but it did not stop her.  When I came to she was there.  My dad and Felicia just took control of the boys and made it work.  Justin was cheerleader, and director of the production and made sure that I was taken care of.  My mom and Pops in GA and my family and friends there checked in and did everything they could from where they were to make sure everything was going as planned.  Josh flew in to PCB, got in his car and was there when I woke up, which is what he promised.  I am so fortunate to have people in my life today who are present and ready and willing to step it up when it is time.  I am eternally grateful that you all were there and that it is over...  :)

 

I have slept a good bit, hurt a great deal and am healing... Black and blue and swollen still, but that will go away... I was looking at the bruises today and thinking how horrific they look, but that in order to get to the other side of this appendicitis, it is what the process looks like.  I imagined for a minute that we all look bruised, black and blue at times in our lives, going through processes to get to the other side.  The bruises fade and where there was something ugly, most of the time, there is never ever a hint that something traumatic or ugly existed in the first place.  A clean slate, a new beginning...  My word  Attraversiamo... That is what I believe has been happening in our lives.  The bruises are beginning to fade, the horrific, traumatic experience is in the process of healing.  Does is void that is existed because the eye can not see the black and blue bruise anymore?  HELL NO...  It definitely existed and it was there and it hurt when you touched it, or even got close to it.  Does it mean that its easier to go through the journey of losing a spouse, my children their father ? No, it means it gets different... It means that you remember what that person meant to you, the lessons they left you hear with, the memories that no one can rob you of... No matter if you can see it or not. 

 

 

Ran across this pic this evening going through some photos...  Ready to put my knees in the wind soon...  Have a little work to do to the bike and then it's on... 

 

 

This blog was pretty much about ME...  The good the bad and the ugly parts of me that I reveal to you.  It's actually for ME, for my growth through this journey.  I write, so being able to go back and read blogs is therapeutic and shows me where I am growing and what I need to work on.  Josh is a blessing  in our lives and so far, we both have been there for each other on several occasions that were not so pretty and some true colors have shown...  I Love ya and thank you for stepping up and being there when I know it is not an easy circumstance sometimes.  I am not saying that I agree that I am a horrible patient, I am just saying if that 8 yr old inner self of me shows her butt again, she should get TIME OUT !!!!

 

Much love and hugs !!

Love the one your with... Hug longer always say I love you and never ever hurt people.  Be kind it's really very simple.....

 

The Gang of H's

 

A daddy.....

Lessons learned in life somehow find a way to surface when you least expect them.  The quote above is truly how I feel.  I do not have many friends in my world today.  The ones I do have, I know without a doubt will love me through the good, the ugly and the deepest darkest of my days.  You know who you are and I am forever grateful.  I learned many lessons and will continue to learn those lessons throughout this journey here.  One of the things that I constantly saw Jeff doing was loving without conditions.  He taught me this early in our relationship, he taught this to our children as babies, toddlers and the older ones into their young adult lives before he left this physical world.  I hope that I can continue to teach our kids by example and the way that I treat others.  If I tell you that I love you, you can believe that I have made sure you are in my heart and will forever be in my heart.  It means that no matter what, I will be there, loving you through the good and the ugly...  That I will do what I can to enhance your world and not complicate it. 

Jeff with Brett and Justin...

 

 



Jeff with Nick and Noland

 

 

Having 4 boys to raise has been quite an adventure, but I will tell you this...  The bond between mom and son is amazing, but nothing beats loving from daddy.  Daddy's are always the fun ones, the adventurous ones.  Dads make rainy days inside fun...  My boys truly miss their daddy and the love that they shared was amazing.  I am grateful that my boys all had an individual relationship with daddy...  There was also a good bit of time missed, when you think you have all the time in the world it becomes " less precious "  Unfortunately we have learned that lesson the hard way.  In some ways, I think we have a slight advantage....  We know the importance of time and what it means when it's GONE... POOF...  I cherish moments differently now.  I embrace the little things now.  I hold dear the tough moments as if they were as valuable as the smooth moments...  It's life, it's not how I envisioned it, but we are finding a peace that passes an understanding... Some days still SUCK...  I believe that there will always be days that will be harder than others.  We continue to go forward, we continue to try and live in the light and not the darkness where we resided for a bit.  I want Jeff to be proud of us and I have said it before, but I truly believe he is guiding us through this mess of life. 

 

 



A daddy and his boy.  My heart is smiling....  Make memories and cherish them. This brings me to Josh and his boy... Since we are on the subject of daddy's and their boys.  I hope you guys have tons of fun.  Treasure every minute...  Love you babe !!!

 

Hugs from the Gang of H's 

Hoping for a calmer sea soon.....

 

October has come and gone, typically we would be making our Holiday plans and scheduling the crazy boomerang trip to GA and who is going where and seeing who and for how long and then when will we return and is that going to be ok with the other family members ?  ETC, ETC.  Honestly, the Holiday's are the absolute last thing on my mind...  I know we will have to tackle it and once again I will be squared up full frontal with this bitch we call grief... Awaiting yet another paralyzing moment of emotional hostage taking that absolutely will not bend and wants nothing to do with negotiations of any sorts. 

 

 

We did manage to make it through Halloween... Every year I would be the " driver " and Jeff would hop in and out of the back of the truck and run the kids to several houses and then they would jump back in the bed of the truck looking like they had just robbed somebody smitten with what candy they had swindled  out the houses they had just hit. The boys loved it.  The day was a continuous conversation of remember when Dad did this ?  Remember when dad did that?  They have so many good memories that it reminds me that sometimes it is ok to smile and just rally in the moment of what was, that it is nobody's right to try and steal those moments away.  The thing about a memory is it is yours... Nobody and I mean Nobody can ever steal that from you.  It lives in your heart... I was bound and determined to make this a fun day to make some new memories, not that there was anything wrong with them remembering good, funny Dad moments, but just to create a continuous jog of good memories.  ( That's in my new job description, you know?  The description of what a widow mom is supposed to do... It's in the manual that does not exist. )

 

Justin spent a good deal of time helping put together their costumes and painting faces.. Adding to their accessories.  Ha Ha.. Noland decided that dad needed a balloon sent to him because 1) Dad did not know we had moved, nothing had been sent UP to him... and 2) this way he can spot us and see how we dressed up this year.  So, hands down, the balloon happened.  They were so sweet watching the balloon fade into the sky...

We then went to Downtown DeFuniak Springs and met some new friends and enjoyed the evening Trick or Treating.  We decided to go around the Lakeyard Homes, which is a beautiful area of Victorian Homes to Trick or Treat and got in the back of our new friends truck and basically got drenched.  We had a blast.  The kids laughed and really enjoyed themselves..  Mission Accomplished.

 

 

Nick had been itching to fish since we moved and this was the most pitiful little lake that is normally beautiful so we are told, but he HAD to fish so we went.  There was a park that Noland played on while I sat on the sand and just enjoyed watching them have FUN...

 

We are beginning to find some peace.  I am not sure if it will be short lived, but living simpler and more peacefully here in the woods is just what we needed.  The boys, Nick, Noland and Justin are adapting well and we are settling into a routine.  We miss Jeff wholeheartedly and know he would have loved this place.  I truly believe he has and will continue to guide us.  Our souls were connected on such a level that was sometimes scary.  I like to think that our souls will always be connected even though he is not here.  Yes, parenting without him SUCKS.  Knowing that I could not save him, SUCKS... Trying to be both parents to the little ones is scary as HELL.  I feel him around us and I ask myself over and over if this is what WE would have done together and collectively.  I truly feel like he has placed people in our lives as well.  He knows what we need and he will always be loved, his memories cherished, and truly missed.

 

 

Learning to live and be happy is ok.  We have to go forward, we can not stay in one spot and get anywhere...  I am fortunate to have Josh in our lives.  He helps us to giggle, be silly and it is nice to have somebody in our " corner "... There is no way of telling what the future holds, not a cliche' an absolute truth... I learned that the hard way. There are still some pretty rough days that we encounter and all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and surrender...  Thanks for reminding me that it is ok to just be " Happy Happy Happy !!! "

 

That's a wrap Jack !!!

 

Stick around, more will be revealed...

 

Much love and Hugs from the Gang of H's