Be Kind or Be Quiet

I need to clarify a few things about my blog yesterday.  It was a post to make you think....  It was a question that we are all perplexed with at some point in time.

I am happy...  I am no upset... I am at peace... I hope that no one read the blog thinking that I was questioning where I stood.

My children and myself will continue to celebrate their daddy... He taught me the lessons of love and I fully intend on continuing to Love while here on this earthly journey.

I love my life with Josh and his kiddies with my kiddies...  No question about it.  He is an amazing daddy and I love him with all my heart... We will continue to make memories...  have tons of laughs and enjoy this journey here together.

Please do not judge or think that you know where I have gone through... You can not unless you have walked in my shoes...

No rant, no rave... Just wanted to clarify...  Hug your family, love the one you are with... always say I love you !!!

Michelle

How much can You TAKE?

How much can you take?  Where is the line in the sand ?  Do you have limits?  We all do... The difference is that we make choices about giving up and taking on the challenge of exactly how far we can be pushed so to speak.  How far can we go and how much can we take?  Where is your breaking point?  I have come to terms that I have no answer for this question.  I can not answer it.  I thought I could.  I have thought a thousand times " I am DONE " that is it... I can not take not one more thing... And, if you know anything about my story, you know that life continues to present itself and throw more and more shit at me and I keep going and never give up.  I want to.  I think we all do.  Lately, I have had some challenges.  Some with Nick, if you are following my blog, you know that Nikolas has Autism and is challenging some days.  I wonder how in the hell I am going to keep on with him and make good choices that help him... I lay in bed some nights and wonder if I am making all the right decisions regarding both my boys.  Am I celebrating their daddy in the right way ?  Am I going forward in the right way...?  Will I ever know what I am doing is right.  Maybe not... It is the only way that I know to do it, so without that imaginary manual that does not exist I have no way of knowing.  I can only hope that what I am doing is right.  In my heart, most of the time I think I am doing it right.  Sometimes I have doubts... The doubts are what create the question how much more can I take?  I just try and suppress the doubt and go forward.  Finding the circle of people that make up my bubble are why and how I can go forward..  No one knows how much they can take, we are all still here... We function to the best of our ability and find happiness where it can be found.  Learn lessons where they can be learned and hope that we carry them with us at all times, not just when they apply.  Then, there is LOVE... it encompasses us... it comforts us, it hurts us, it defies all that should not exist and sometimes is the reason we do exist... 

 

" In life you will meet two special people: One changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other, who puts you back together after you have lost the first. "

I am so fortunate to have had an amazing, wonderful, loving, adventurous marriage with Jeff that was almost 19 years long.  Almost half my life... I never was made to feel less than and knew that his love for me was undying.  He also used to tell me that if anything happened  to him, he would make sure that I was taken care of and that I deserved that same love forever, Infinity...  

Josh and his kiddies came into my life and he loves me and my kiddies in the most undying manner.  He loves us through the crazy and I KNOW that Jeff has made a way for all this to happen...  I have said it over and over; I have been so fortunate to have not found this love once but twice and I am forever grateful.  We are happy... I am happy... My children are happy...  I only know one way to love, unconditionally and forever and ever always... INFINITY 888...

This is my journal.. My journey... Your entertainment.. ha ha !!!  But some of you may wonder if what I put in these blogs is exaggerated or maybe I am seriously medicated.  Neither is true.  For this blog... We have a guest blogger... Jordan has been around our family her whole life.  She has always been a part of ' us " whatever the US was... She sees first hand the trauma that my family experienced and she loved Jeff with all her heart as well... She visited last year and is visiting this year.  She is going to share her perspective of what our lives are like and how she feels about it...

Welcome JORDAN :  

Growing up around the Harrison's has been an adventure. When I was younger, I remember them coming over and everyone just hanging out. In my eyes, it was always Jeff and Michelle (and Nick, Noland and Justin.) When we all lived in Georgia, it was obviously easier to get together and hang out. Once they moved, my family would make trips to the beach, just to see this family. I always thought that Jeff and Michelle showed the way love should always be..unconditional. Sometimes, when I'm home, I think about the Harrison's and I automatically picture Jeff there. It's a habit, that I'm never going to escape. Jeff was a permanent fixture in my life, and it seems even death cannot change that. I do not know how I found out that Jeff died, but I do remember the memorial service that was held in Georgia. I don't remember much of it, because it was a very emotional day for everyone there. However, I remember sitting there in the church and thinking how perfect the song Upside Down was. Jeff was an amazing man, that I don't have many memories of, because I was so young when I met him, but the memories I do have are amazing. 

Life in this house is insane, but I see Michelle show the same love Jeff showed her, to their kids, and to Josh. If Josh was around when Jeff was alive, there is no doubt in my mind that they would have been best friends. Josh demonstrates his love the same way that Jeff did. I believe 100% that Jeff put Josh and his children into Michelle's life. On a weekday, there are 3 boys here and on the weekends there are 2 girls along with the boys. It's crazy, but somehow it works. Ever since Nick was little, I've loved to be around him, and it seems he feels the same way, seeing how he has claimed me as his girlfriend. Although Noland doesn't say I'm his girlfriend, he's still an awesome little kid. Malaya and Maddy are the cutest littlest girls, and when I met them last year, I taught them to dance and then I was tackled. Jaycob...Jaycob doesn't like me, and I'm not really sure why, but he's a great kid with an amazing personality. 

Jeff continues to be celebrated, by his family and people like me..who aren't really his family, but pretty much are. Jeff is still here..I've experienced it. Just the other day, Justin and I were arguing about our highschools..I told him that Spalding High kicked Griffin High's butt, and the Happy Birthday banner fell right off the wall. For those of you who don't know, Jeff was the the Bear's biggest fan. Josh is exactly what this family needed. He loves everyone like Jeff did, and he has the biggest heart towards people like me. Michelle is extremely lucky to have found a love like this, not only once but twice. 

Love the one you're with and be happy. If you're not happy where you are, get up and move. You're not a tree. 

From our home to yours... Love the one you are with, always say I love you... Life is precious.. so is time !!!

Much Love 

Michelle 

The Gang of H's' and a few Ptak's hanging around and Jordan

*** For those who don't already know, Jordan is 14 years old.. much wiser beyond her short years lived... We love her to the moon !!!

I am reminded of the reality that is upon us...not for the easily offended...

Ok.. so I have said it.  This is not for the easily offended. It's my blog and it is my outlet. If you are offended by language or do not know me that well and would like to keep your opinion of me in tact here's where you stop reading. 

Well for the rest of you. Here goes nothing.  I am raging mad.  I am heartbroken.  I am filled with anything but spiritual greatness right now. I am entitled to feel so. I do not need any pity or pats on the back about what a great job I am doing. It sucks. It sucks ass.  I have been a voice for Nick since he was an infant. My fights get bigger and my voice gets louder. Will I surrender? Hell no.  Will I give up on my child ? HELL NO.  Do I want to? Absofreakinlutely ... not a damn thing about raising Nick is easy. Top matters off his dad goes and fucking dies on him.  Us !!!! Damn it pisses me off.  I am the one now to have to deal with all this.  It is what it is.  Have I found love? Yes.  Doesn't mean I forget that I had a family unit in tact for almost 20 yrs.  Doesn't mean that I don't have issues.  I deal with them and I make choices to be happy but the last week has been hell... no... worse than hell... 

I am grateful that Josh has accepted us for what we are. When I tell you that Josh is a gift from Jeff it's not candy coated bullshit idealistic romance that I have created in my head. Spend a day with us and see. There are family members who will NOT take on Nick for any time frame and here is this wonderful man who is in my corner doing everything he can to understand Nick and love us through this.  Nick and his having autism is not an easy feat. I was so scared that no one would ever love us... I do not have that worry anymore. The last week of hell is proof enough that Josh isn't going anywhere and that Jeff is still watching out for us.  

I think if Jeff could beam me up and we could have a conversation he would first blast me about the doubt that I have in myself in parenting. .. then I'm pretty sure he'd give me one of those big olé Jeff hugs and tell me that I have a lot of living to do and he's making sure it is with the right person not only for my boys but for me. He has never let me down.  

I used to scream that I could not do this alone. I had no desire to do this alone. This is my official post /blog to say I am not doing this alone. I have an amazing partner. Hand picked. That's something right there. Am I angry? Yep. . Worn out ? Yep.   Will I continue up doing what I am doing ? Bet your sweet ass I will... 

I am not going anywhere... we are making plans and loving all the funny goofy moments we make together. Thank you Jeff. You will always be in my heart but it is big enough to hold you both. We will keep riding the asphalt here while you ride the sky. We will Continue to celebrate you and I hope I love a fraction of the love you showed me. 

Josh... you are my heart and you make me smile. I am a lucky lucky girl... I love you. Infinity !!!

Love the one you are with. Always say I love you. Remember hugs are not hugs unless you use both arms. Mwah. 

From our home to yours... Michelle and the boys and the Ptaks..

Do you believe in LOVE ?

Do you believe in Love?  I do... Always have.  I had one of the best teacher's.  I had a discussion this past weekend about the extreme difference between love and hate.  I was told that when somebody hates something, it is an absolute fact.  There is no sliding scale on hate... You either hate it or don't.  You do not hate something a little bit... but love... I was told that love is questionable.  That when you are told you are loved you can question the level of love that person is referencing.  I disagree.  When I tell you I love you.  I mean it.  I will love you through the ugly, the messy, the chaos, the unlovable moments... when you are ugly on the inside and outside.  My love has no sliding scale.  It is not questionable.  I also take it very seriously.  Love that is.  I like to think everyone is that way. I am learning that is not the case.  Embarking on this journey that has taken me through ups and downs, weaving, and embankments I have learned that not everyone Loves the way I do.  I am humbly disappointed in this.  I am also grateful that I did not know this until now.  I had the privilege of being loved with someones whole heart.  He did not leave me for another woman, he did not abandon us, he died.  Does it hurt?  Hell yes... Did it keep me from wanting to love? Hell NO.  Jeff taught me how to love and love with all my heart.  I think he would be disappointed in the way that some have acted since his passing in regards to how they have loved us.  We all cope in a different manner, I choose to leave the negative alone and focus on the positive.  The lessons I have acquired.  The life lessons that are making me a better ME.  I plan on loving as much as I can.... 

I love you Josh... You love me through my crazy moments and make me smile.  I say over and over how lucky I am to have you and the girls and I look forward to getting to know your little guy soon.  I always want to enhance your life.  I know that you are a gift... I treasure you !!! Thank you for continuing to be there for me and my boys and allowing us to celebrate Jeff.  You honor him in such a way that makes me fall in love with you over and over and over again... I can't wait to keep making memories and blending our families together and making plans.  

This is how I feel... I was cracked, broken and never thought I would be happy again... My soul is being restored and my spirit is not broken... 

Love the one you are with... Always say I love you !!!

Love,

Michelle and the Gang of H's with a few Ptak's hanging around

Cars... Easter Eggs... Family & More... Whew !!!

Car Shows, Easter Hunts.. Family & MORE!!!

Whoa.. What a weekend :)  Started out Saturday morning with Josh taking Noland to his very first car show EVER !!!  Noland was super psyched... He loved it.  They had a really good time.  I was so glad they got to have some " guy time " and do something FUN !!! Noland really misses hanging out and doing all the " guy stuff " he loves.  He is really INTO cars.  Josh had a special shirt made for him.  He is sporting it in the pics...  

Of course Saturday afternoon we enjoyed Easter with Gdaddy and Gmama and of course dying eggs. Kids laughed and filled the house with all their giggles... Made me smile.

The kiddies with Gdaddy and Gmama after the Hunt... Good times !!

Of course I was a little homesick.  I got to Tango with my Family in GA while they were all at my mom's.  It was so cool.  Made me feel better to get to see everybody and talk to them.  We are so far apart, but I treasure them just the same...  

Bwahhhhhhhhhh...  Just a funny, wow , this is a wild weekend kind of pic... 

Sunday we had the pleasure of having Easter Lunch with Josh's Family.  We felt so welcomed and loved.  The kids had such a great time playing in the yard and with all their goodies.  We all had a blast and some really yummy food...  awesome day !!!

The evening ended and the kids went to bed.  We had some quiet time and were able to wind down from the weekend.  It makes me reflect on how things change.  When you are running to catch your breath from having a great time.  You know it' s been a good weekend.  My soul and spirit felt renewed...  We had our moments missing Jeff... We know he was celebrating in Heaven and he is still guiding us.  I am so blessed with the gifts he continues to send me... 

We had another " big moment " this morning.  I had to take Nick for his labs.  I have dreaded this.  Jeff was the keeper of this task and Justin has filled in since Jeff' s passing.  I felt my throat closing up, my skin getting clammy, my heart racing... I could feel that dreaded panic setting in on the way to the Health care center.  I glanced over to Nick and looked at me and smiled.  That was all it took.  I knew I could get him through this.  No matter what it took or we experienced.  After we were there, it was no biggie.  He did great.  !!!

Such a brave little guy.  He did say that he wished his daddy was here, because he always took him someplace special afterwards.  So we did just that.  We stopped by Gdaddy's house and grabbed some hugs and his little brother bought him breakfast at McDonald's with his Easter money...

Today my heart and soul giggle.  We did it !! yay... I am so proud of us.  So, I will continue down this path... The one that is curvy and winding... That has up and downs.  That is stormy at best most days...  Because, this girl is adjusting her sail... I refuse to sink.. I am so happy... Feel so blessed... Excited about our futures... We know that Josh, the girls, and Jaycob are our Forever Family... With every hard time, with every celebration, with every laugh and accomplishment we grow stronger and stronger.  Love the one you are with... Say I love You... Appreciate the little things... Those are what matter... With a heart full of love and soul full of giggles...  We send you our love and encourage you to do something extraordinary !!! 

Mwah !!

Michelle and the gang of H's and the gang of Ptaks :)

Are you a SCREAMER ?

I got your attention huh?  Well... ??? Are you a screamer in life. When life gets rough do you fly off the handle and lose it ? Do you blame others for your misery?  Are you constantly looking for why bad things happen to you ?  If so, yes you are a screamer in life... A whiney ass....  Life is unkind at times. Fact of the matter is that half of what you get out of life is your doing.  You make the choice to allow others to mistreat you by not stopping it. You make the choice to continue on paths that are not making you happy.... 

I certainly am not a screamer. .. I throw my hands up and have learned to enjoy the ride. It is a short ride if you stop and look at it. I was reflecting today on my little guys and daydreaming about when they were toddling and getting into everything. I had two under the age if two so they were into EVERYTHING.  It seemed as though they would never outgrow it and yet they did. Now it seems so long ago. 

Do not whine through life and miss all the fun and good stuff. Learn to enjoy the ride.. throw caution to the Wind and do Things you would never ever consider doing... 

love the one you are with... always be kind... say I love you !!!

Mwah from the Harrisons and a few Ptak

Michelle 

Time is precious...

Time... I know people get so sick of hearing me say that " time is precious " well it is... My sister and my sweet Mini Me, Lola flew in to visit some friends in Destin and I had the privilege of picking them up from the airport and taking them to the condo.  Daddy 0 rode along so we could have a quick visit.  I will take what I can get... It was not long.  Short car ride, a few minutes hugging and taking some pictures, but it was fun and it made my soul giggle..  that is what matters.  I love them to pieces and would do anything to keep them happy and safe.  My sister and I share an amazing connection.  We always have.  Yes I picked on her and she will say I was mean to her... Not me? !!!  But I always made sure she was safe.  My mom was a single mom with two girls.  We were 5.5 yrs apart and I had to help take care of her.  My mom worked hard to make sure we had what we needed and never wanted for anything.  I never knew until I was old enough to understand that there were some really rough days my mom went through... She did a great job at being MOM, because I never had any idea.  I love my sister, she has been my rock through some really dark times.  I am grateful for the little time we get and look forward to the time when we plan to hang out for longer.  Like I said, I will take what I can get... an hr... worked for me !!! 

We had lots of gifts of time this week.  Brett, Zack and Brett's girlfriend Taylor came to visit...  We laughed and cut up and made good food and had an amazing visit... It was pretty cool to have all my boys under one roof.  This rarely happens.  I slept so good knowing that all their little heartbeats were here with me.  I love all my boys and the oldest ones are growing up and making their own way and that " time " with them is now more precious than anything when I can get it.  Happy Mama this week. :)

Which brings me to this... If you speak the truth and not only are truthful with others but yourself you will go a lot further than if you continue to try and cover up what is real.  I think that we all tell " tall tales " at some point, or maybe you are more comfortable calling them exaggerations.  The bottom line, no matter what you call it, if you will just be honest, I promise it makes  life so much simpler.  My goal is to just live simply.  However that can be accomplished.  

I say it over and over again.  Just be kind.  I know there are exceptions to the rule... I am guilty of being unkind at times too.  I try very hard to express myself in a manner that is not harmful to any one's soul.  Once you damage a soul, it is almost impossible to fix.  

I know Jeff is around the boys all time.  He lives in their hearts and guides them just like he guides me.  I thought this picture of him with Brett and Justin was a sweet reminder that even though he is not here physically he lives on in our memories.  We cherish those... All that TIME... the TIME that was precious and now we remember him always !!! 

Life continues to go forward, we continue to LIVE to make memories.  We are looking forward to all the new chapters in this journey of " new normal "  I feel completely blessed to have not only found an amazing love and have a true love story to tell and remember, but to have found that again in this " new normal " I am happy again.  I am loving the life we are making together and Josh not only loves me and my boys but always helps me continue to keep Jeff's memory alive and respects that part of our world that is " handle with care "... I never thought I would be loved and have that love to give again.  Most people are lucky to have that once, I am ecstatic to have found it again...  Never really losing it the first time, it just became different.  We continue to make memories and are excited to see what will be revealed...  Mwah to you all !!!

Love the one you are with, be kind, always say i love you !!! 

Love, Michelle 

The gang of H's with a few Ptak' s hanging around !!!