ATTRAVERSIAMO

" LETS CROSS OVER "

The meaning is simple enough, however, the translation and how it is applied is anything but simple... 

For me, this became my word... To begin anew... Entering into widowhood so young and scared to death but trying so hard to hold onto everything that was familiar and changing nothing when everything was different but still the same got to be a bit overwhelming.  I had to " cross over " start again.  Begin a new journey. 

Some time has passed, I have found my new normal... I have began a new adventurous journey... New people in my life and looking forward to all the crazy fun times ahead. 

This became my word for Josh and I... He was my " start " again... The world is a dark and scary place.  He helped make it not so scary and allowed me to go at my own pace.  Our worlds collided and crossing over to a new normal became a secure, not scary endeavor that was encompassed with love and concern.  I left some people behind.  They have to travel this journey at their own pace. It was not healthy for me to burden their grief and sadness along with trying to stay alive and live this life that is such a gift.  I hold them all in my heart and send them positive energy and lots of love and light... I can not do it for them and I will be here when they decide to " Attraversiamo "

I have the word written on my forearm and it reminds me every day that crossing over is a magical beautiful journey in itself.  It is all in the translation... I make choices today to be happy and live...  Hope you do too...

We are only given the right now... Learn to live in the now... Time is precious.. Never take it for granted.  Learn lessons from those around you... I did, I have the lessons that Jeff left me with.  He loved unconditionally and I hope I make him proud loving others the way he did, with my whole heart :) 

Love the one you are with... Always say I love You !!!

Michelle and the gang of H's with a few Ptak's hanging around...

Keepin On... Keepin On...

The crew !!! 

Thought I would blog a bit since I had treatment last night and am feeling a bit better... Lots of thoughts going through my head at the moment... Some I can share, some I CANNOT...  Life is changing... It's a good change.  A positive change.  I think it is a reminder that we are still here for a reason. That our purpose here has not been fulfilled.  I believe you have to continue to live and dream and love and experience life on an amazing level.  I will not settle for ordinary in anything that I do.  I have no desire to show my children that ordinary is okay.  I say JUMP... do not look.. Just do it !!! 

My 40th birthday will be upon me soon.. I have a goal.. I am going to do 40 random acts of kindness between April 1st and my birthday June 13th.  I also want to skydive on my birthday... that is a whole different blog topic.  ( really really really want to do it )

I never thought that any birthday would really have any affect on me, but somehow I think this one will.  I bet you are thinking I mean negatively, NOT... I am happy to be 40... it means I am still here.  I tried to check out of life and surrender to the demons in my head... there I was, again, facing all that nonsense full frontal, deciding that it was NOT going to happen.  It did NOT I am here, I am living... I enjoy waking up and taking on the day.  I decided I am one badass bitch... 

( and it has )

I think I have learned a lot about my soul on this journey. I bear mine.. do you? 

Not much more can be said... Goodnight everyone... Appreciate what you have, enjoy life.  Love the one you are with... Be KIND !!!

Love from The gang of H's and the Ptaks 

Michelle 

The waves of who I am...

The me you know is truly what you see.  I am flawed. I am my own worst enemy. I AM MY WORST CRITIC ...  I will never ever be a "good enough" me.  I am always looking to improve myself and my relationships.  I do know that I come in waves...Sometimes slapping the shore in an angry fashion and enjoying the retreat back into the safe haven of the calmness. There are times when the waves of me are only ripples softly cascading back and forth with the rhythm of the tide...

Our family is growing and the blending of two lives is an adventurous journey. We are making lots of new memories and continuing to keep Jeff's memory alive. The boys love sharing funny stories of their daddy to Josh and the girls. The boys also talk about how much they miss their daddy and how lucky the girls and Josh's son are to have him here to do all the fun things they do together. WE are fortunate to have Josh embrace us and love us and to have him in our lives.

Also can't wait to meet this little guy... He will coming to visit with us this summer.  Josh's son Jaycob lives out of state and you all know my theory on time... It's precious.  We are going to have tons of fun this summer... The boys are excited to meet him and ride bikes and play together with the girlies...  Going to be some fun times coming down the pipe... 

Justin is working hard at training every week and working a full time job as well.  He is making plans to move out on his own in September.  It will be hard on me to just not have his sweet face here every day.  I have not gone more than about 7 days in his entire life without having him at home.  Big hurdles, but it is time...  Justin has been shaped and molded into what Jeff taught him and he has some amazing morals and ethics about him.  I am very proud of him... I love him to the moon and back again... Infinity !!! 8888888

We continue to do the next right thing and I continue to remember how much I was loved and how to love those that are dear to me.  Be happy for us... Moving on does not mean we have forgotten, it just means we we are healing and Jeff is guiding us from over the Rainbow bridge... He always told me that he would take care of me no matte what... He is still doing that... I still grieve.  I will always grieve... I will always miss him... He will always live in my heart, where now there is space for someone else to reside... I never knew it to be possible to love someone again as much as the love Jeff and I shared...  Well, it is... I feel super duper lucky to have had that happen for me twice, many people will never have that once !!!

From us out in the boonies..

The Gang of H's and a couple of Ptak's hanging around !!! :)

mwah...

 Love the one your with... You are never promised tomorrow... Say I love you... Live with no regrets !!!

Michelle 

Scars.... do you cover yours?

I remember being a child and being worried about whether a cut or boo boo would scar... leave a mark... or flaw me in some manner.  The definition of scar is:

scar

1  

noun

1.

a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

2.

a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury

 resulting from suffering or trauma.

3.

any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.

4.

Botany . a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen 

from a stem.

verb (used with object), scarred, scar·ring.

5.

to mark with a scar.

We all have scars. Some we hide... some we parade in full view, proud of. The ones we hide are usually the ones that we fear if somebody saw would expose us and make us vulnerable.  Naked almost. 

My scars today tell a story. A Fairytale, a romance, and a horror story.  The fairy tale is obviously the birth of my child and the scars on my heart from going through adoption for Nick and Noland... I do not mind exposing those to anyone. The Romance scars I do not mind exposing and sharing the lessons I have learned from loving from my heart and soul. Horror story scars are another issue. I hide those deep from anyone... Sometimes from myself. I want to forget them.  Pretend they never existed.  Ignore them and try and make them into something else.  Put them into another category... Like, try and make them into the Fairytale scars but they never stick.  They always find their way back to the Horror category.  

The trouble is this is the problem not just with me, but with everyone... We hide what make us who we are.  We hide the vulnerable parts of our souls because once exposed it gives others the opportunity to HURT us.  No part of any human being wants their soul just hanging out there for the world to trample.  

Every day I learn something about myself.  My new self...  The self that changed that is part of that horror scar.. The difference now is that the scar from beginning the journey into widowhood is not as bright... not as noticeable.  It has began to somewhat blend in with the other scars... This scar was too big and ugly to ever hide.  There it was right out in the open... Everyone could stare at it.  No one knew what to say or how to act around it... As time goes on and my new self transforms I discover that people now see me, the different me, not a bad horrible scar that was ever present...  Yes, my life changed, everything about that was not easy.  I make a choice every day to do something positive to make my children look up to me and see a strong woman that had her feet swept out from under her in one swift motion and still go forward every day.  I do have feelings, I do not show them to just anyone.  I guard them, I expose them to only those worthy of seeing them. Revealing them layer by layer and ever so carefully...  I hate to feel anything but happy...  and on this journey happy has been difficult.  

Love this guy... He loves me... We are making memories and being an example of what love is like to our kiddies.  Making plans to continue on in this life together and being each other's cheer leader and enjoying the ride together... Amazingly happy again.  I smile, he makes me smile.. My kids remind me that it is really simple to accept things as they are and LOVE every minute we are given here.  I feel Jeff smiling and I know he is still guiding me... I have to be still and patient, but I am going to be OK... 

The next chapter in my story book of life... I do not mind sharing my scars today.  They tell my story, my imperfect, sometime shameful, sometimes courageous story.  It is not a secret what myself and my children have endured.  Today we choose to be happy.  To do the next right thing.  To continue going forward. I say it over and over, just be KIND.  Yes it happened.  Yes losing my best friend suddenly in the game of life sucks.  He taught me so many things and I learned a lot of lessons about what is important and how short life is.  I suggest that you treat people with love and respect.  Take care of your own. Encompass your life with people that will love you back even when you do not love yourself.  I am so grateful to be where I am today.  The gift of love in this lifetime again is unthinkable for some to have once.  I feel very very special to have found it twice. Love the one you are with, say I love you, always always always LIVE !!! There are NO Do over's...  Show your scars... allow people to love you. The scars that you protect and guard the most are exactly the ones that you need to bear.. 

From our house in the boonies to you, Mwah !!!

The gang of H's with a couple of Ptak's hanging around !!! 

Figuring out the new normal...

When you envision your Spirit, yourself, what you are made up of, what do you see ?  Pondering this question should give you solace about who you are, for me.... It makes me question what i am made up of?  Fear? Courage? Bravery? Cowardly ?  Whiny ? Love? Kindness? 

I decided to take a little " self inventory " if you will...  Here is what I have come up with:

* I am strong in the midst of the storm, when it is over is when I render helpless

* My children keep me Brave... 

* I revert to being whiny when I am tired and do not feel as though I can accomplish my task

* Fear is not something that I tangle with regularly...

* I believe that being Kind is first and foremost in all my endeavors, until you have been unkind to me.

My life changed when I entered into the journey of Widowhood.  It is a tangled mess of uncharted territory, doubts, relearning skills, finding yourself, and learning to be still and continue on as though nothing has changed except everything did change.  It is quite a task and over whelming.  I think it is somewhat like when a child begins to walk.  You always know that it will happen.. You watch the progression of the child sitting, then crawling, then that clumsy toddle that is adorable, then to walking and lastly running non stop and never sitting down.  Just GO GO GO... My journey has been similar to that.  

I have often thought about what an advantage I have today.  Not that losing Jeff was an advantage in my life. Dealing with the " here and now " that I have to deal with makes me look at things much differently.  The little things in life that are " bitched " about do not seem so important anymore.  What is important is watching someone else from a distance that you love as they smile and enjoy what ever they are participating in at that moment.  Seeing the joy in someone else. Hugs.  Hugs matter today !!!  Not one armed hugs, those do not count.  A hug is to embrace someone and to let them know you are present in that very moment, it is not a haphazard half ass physical attribute to patronize someone for a moment.  Hugs need both arms.  It makes a circle and circles have no beginning and no end.  That is what makes them special... So, the next time you go to hug someone make it count.  Hold them with no beginning and no end.  You know what else matters? No regrets.  Not holding back and saying to someone what they mean to you.  I do believe that I understand the importance of not waiting to do something or say something or letting someone know you love them.  

Most of you know that I have an amazing person in my life today.  I am happy and he loves me and my kiddies and all our " crazies "  First, he respects what I have been through and I believe that he came into my life at the exact moment I needed him there.  I am happy... I adore his girls and look forward to adoring his son.  He has shown me kindness and patience and he loves my kids too.  More than that he did not ever see me as " broken " because of what I had been through.  Yes, there are tons of cracks in my soul and slowly but surely allowing them to be loved and filled with happiness is a calming feeling.  I feel like I am especially fortunate today and I hope you are happy for us too...  

We miss Jeff and we keep his memory alive and talk about him daily !! We know he is around us all the time and we feel his presence... We feel his love !!

Remember to say i love you and love the one you are with :)

Hugs and mwah 

Michelle and the Boys !!! 

I See NOISES !!!

So, Thought I would blog this evening.  I went to GA last Monday and saw my Dr. there and we changed my pain medication to something different.  Got home, it was not working....  The Dr had told me that if it didn't work to call back and he would make a decision to change it and we would work through it...  I called, waiting on return phone call...  Phone call came that I needed to see a Dr. down here in FL.  He was unable to continue treating me due to some new regulations.  That is not making me a happy camper...  I have been trying to manage the RA myself.  Involving a ton of Goody's powders combined with Ibuprofen.  I am pretty sure that my liver is screaming...  And the pain is not resolved.

I have been in freak out mode.  Scared of where I have come from in regards to the wheelchair and being in that position again.  I will NOT go back there... NEVER !!!  I have continued to do YOGA and continue to move...  I refuse to sit and allow this shit to take me over.. So, with that being said I continue on day in and day out searching for a solution and not getting stuck in the problem... I am a firm believer in Mind over Matter and what positive energy you put into the Universe will come back to you...

I get overwhelmed with Life...  that's just the truth.  I am fortunate to have my children and family and friends that remind me that my story did not end because of RA or becoming a Widow...  Life goes on... How we rally in the loss is what matters.  I will not say that I have handled or coped with the loss or the pain of RA in the best manner.  I make mistakes, I isolate, I get angry and I occasionally just Lose It !!!  At the end of the day I can honestly say that no matter what I have done I did  the best I can do with what ever the situation is at the time. 

Jeff and I had an amazing journey.  We miss him and his humor so much... I still believe he is guiding us and if I am STILL I can feel him around us.  Sometimes it is a smack in the back of the head. ha ha ha !!!  I am fortunate that I believe in love.  He taught me that lesson and I cherish it immensely daily.  I truly learned the value of appreciating what you have.  I have discovered that in this great big world people do not cherish what they have.  They step outside of their vows and cheat, and are disrespectful to the one they are with.  They say the words " I love you " but there is nothing behind it.  My heart has never been broken.  Jeff treated me with respect and was faithful and loved me when I could not love myself...  If you are reading this and are one of those people who think that it's OK to not be faithful or to treat the one you are with ugly... Just remove yourself and spare that person the hurt... Just be kind to one another...  ( I am not judging anyone... I just can not stress enough how short time here on Earth is... do not have regrets... )

I believe that I have been truly lucky to have Josh in my life today knowing that he loves me and my kids unconditionally...Most people never ever even have this experience once... WOW to have this opportunity again is truly breathtaking and amazing...  ( we are a lot to love and pretty complicated to love as well, those that know me are chuckling right now ).  I was once in a space where I did not ever feel that I would be happy again.  I hoped I would, but it seemed so far away. I am smiling today more than I have in a long time.  We are making plans together and making new memories and remembering the good times now instead of just what happened to us....

This brings me to FEAR:

I have resolved to the fact that facing my fears on this journey of " widowhood " was the only way to regain control of what I could no longer control.  I had to dream...  I had to LIVE... In so many ways I did not want to do either.  I am so glad I did... I share my story with other widows and knowing that they know exactly where I was and where I am headed in comforting. Allowing the fear to shake me down and win had to come to an end.  I faced it full frontal... Gave it everything I had and allowed the support of family and friends to help me through it.  Am I still fearful of things?  You betcha... Will I face them... Absolutely... I have come a long way and do not intend on retreating.  We all deal with things differently.  There is no right or wrong... Before you judge, ask yourself if you can really imagine what hell someone has been through and what you would do yourself?  You can't... Not even if I showed you a small glimpse of what I have been through... No way, No how !!! I can however, COPE and get through it...  The best way I can...

 

 

My story does not end here... It continues onward...  We have a lot of living to do and fun to be had. 

Hugs and much love to you all !!!

 

Mwah -

 

Michelle and the gang of H's 

 

LET me? think again...

 

I have a determined nature about me.  Always have, always will.  It is probably the one make-up of ME that has not changed since birth.  We all experience transitions in life that change us from one extreme to the other...  I have always been head strong, bull headed, and I believe in what is right and have no second guesses about what I consider wrong...  I would absolutely challenge anyone to say to me they are going to " LET ME " do anything...  It actually makes the wheels in my head start squealing and it is as if I can hear nothing, see nothing, except for that task that I have been told I was going to be allowed to do...  It is sometimes a character defect and sometimes an asset..  More on the defect side probably....  However, with that being said.... I also believe it is how I have conquered more than my fair share of trials in life. 

 

Having RA, sometimes makes me feel like the disease " let's me " do things and then sometimes it prohibits me from doing things.  Things that I used to not have to ask for help with.  Example:  Opening a bottle of water.  Most days I can accomplish this...  Then there are the days that I can not.  I struggle with those days and will almost do without than have to ask for help..  Silly I know...  I am determined that the disease will never dictate my life to me...  Stress is a huge trigger in flares from RA...  I try and eliminate as much stress from my life as possible.  That is damn near impossible.  I try and I do believe in simplicity... As long as it's MY way... ha ha ha ha  ( some of you are not laughing right now because you know that side of me ) ;)

 

 

We have had quite the year...  I am not bitter, this year has been rough... I am grateful for the family and friends that have rallied around us and been our cheerleaders and support.  We have made it and there were days that I was not so sure about.  This is where that bull headed-ness shows up and helps !!!  We have learned so much about our selves individually and as a family in the last year.  We have experienced a lot of really painful days where we held each other and barely survived and we have discovered that we are OK and had really good days and discovered we are Happy... We smile and laugh and know that we have to.  I will not sit here and waller and wonder why I am unhappy.  I have to make the choice to " get up, show up, and live " It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Grief will wipe you out in one swift movement if you are not careful.  It will take away your will to live, love and be loved.  For me, that almost happened.  For my widow sisters and brothers, it all sucks... It sucks bad... But we have the responsibility to continue on in life and live it !!! Our loves would tell us this I believe whole heartedly...

 

.

 

The kids really enjoyed the Holiday...  We have had a very Merry Christmas...  Lots of smiles and giggles and a house full of idle chatter and squeals and good food...  It was Awesome !!!  We have a new addition to our little family too.  He is tiny and cute as all get out...  His name is Trigger.  He is falling in love with us I am sure.  I know we are all falling in love with him and even Max is tolerating him too...  Reminds me of the days when we had to get up all hours of the night and feed and change diapers.. Except we have to walk outside in the middle of the night and take Trigger to go  "potty" I do not mind at all.  Knowing that that little puppy makes the kids smile so much is all worth it... He is super cute !!!

 

We had my dad and Felicia here Christmas Morning, and Josh and the girls that afternoon and the day after Christmas we had my sister, Isaac, and my nieces here and then my Brownie and Hannah came into to town too.  Lots of Festivities going on for several days.  Love Love Love It !!! 

 

 

Here's to the beginning of a new year, right around the corner...  I hope you all have a moment to reflect on the last year and find the positive.  I have the gift of Love and the lessons from this last year to carry with me into the new year.  Lots of awesome memories made, and many, many, many, more to make. THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL...

 

Josh, Thank you for being you.  For loving us unconditionally through the chaos and always being there for us.  It means the world to me and my boys and I hope we are always there for you.  I love your girlie's and I am so looking forward to the journey ahead of us...  Loves ya baby !!!

 

And with that, " its a wrap JACK " See ya 2013 !!!!

 

Live, Laugh and Love !!!

 

Love the one your with, never ever take time for granted, Life is short.

 

MWAH !!!

Michelle and the Gang of H's