When you envision your Spirit, yourself, what you are made up of, what do you see ? Pondering this question should give you solace about who you are, for me.... It makes me question what i am made up of? Fear? Courage? Bravery? Cowardly ? Whiny ? Love? Kindness?
I decided to take a little " self inventory " if you will... Here is what I have come up with:
* I am strong in the midst of the storm, when it is over is when I render helpless
* My children keep me Brave...
* I revert to being whiny when I am tired and do not feel as though I can accomplish my task
* Fear is not something that I tangle with regularly...
* I believe that being Kind is first and foremost in all my endeavors, until you have been unkind to me.
My life changed when I entered into the journey of Widowhood. It is a tangled mess of uncharted territory, doubts, relearning skills, finding yourself, and learning to be still and continue on as though nothing has changed except everything did change. It is quite a task and over whelming. I think it is somewhat like when a child begins to walk. You always know that it will happen.. You watch the progression of the child sitting, then crawling, then that clumsy toddle that is adorable, then to walking and lastly running non stop and never sitting down. Just GO GO GO... My journey has been similar to that.
I have often thought about what an advantage I have today. Not that losing Jeff was an advantage in my life. Dealing with the " here and now " that I have to deal with makes me look at things much differently. The little things in life that are " bitched " about do not seem so important anymore. What is important is watching someone else from a distance that you love as they smile and enjoy what ever they are participating in at that moment. Seeing the joy in someone else. Hugs. Hugs matter today !!! Not one armed hugs, those do not count. A hug is to embrace someone and to let them know you are present in that very moment, it is not a haphazard half ass physical attribute to patronize someone for a moment. Hugs need both arms. It makes a circle and circles have no beginning and no end. That is what makes them special... So, the next time you go to hug someone make it count. Hold them with no beginning and no end. You know what else matters? No regrets. Not holding back and saying to someone what they mean to you. I do believe that I understand the importance of not waiting to do something or say something or letting someone know you love them.
Most of you know that I have an amazing person in my life today. I am happy and he loves me and my kiddies and all our " crazies " First, he respects what I have been through and I believe that he came into my life at the exact moment I needed him there. I am happy... I adore his girls and look forward to adoring his son. He has shown me kindness and patience and he loves my kids too. More than that he did not ever see me as " broken " because of what I had been through. Yes, there are tons of cracks in my soul and slowly but surely allowing them to be loved and filled with happiness is a calming feeling. I feel like I am especially fortunate today and I hope you are happy for us too...
We miss Jeff and we keep his memory alive and talk about him daily !! We know he is around us all the time and we feel his presence... We feel his love !!
Remember to say i love you and love the one you are with :)
Hugs and mwah
Michelle and the Boys !!!
