I have spent most of my adult life feeling like I was falling off a cliff. This has never ever been a bad feeling... The rush of the next life adventure. The freedom of being my own person. The challenges that come with falling even if you are building your wings on the way down is that there is a slight chance you will not get the wings built before you hit solid ground. The ringing in your ears from falling so hard and not being successful in having those wings to support you before you hit bottom can be devastating. You do the crawl of shame to pick yourself back up and make choices. Choosing to go forward with the original plan that through you so fast and spiraling that you failed, or develop a new plan. I would say it has always been about half and half with me. I would sometimes retreat back to the same plan and try to execute it a little differently or I may have to develop a whole new plan. Eventually, I learned the definition of Insanity... " going back to the same thing expecting a different result."
Do we learn from failed plans? I think we do. My opinion is that it matters what we do with the failed plan at the end... I have had quite the run on failing lately. I have failed in my writing, as a parent, as a friend... My health has failed and I have had to make decisions that were not for the faint of heart. I reveal to you what I want you to know about me. That is the honest truth. You, the reader, have no idea what is going on in my world other than what I tell you. Obviously, this is my choice. I said when I began this blog that it would not always be filled with unicorns and butterflies.. well, this is one of those posts.
I am not writing to get a bunch of " you are so strong... I don't know how you do it " etc. posts. My blog is for me to catalog my feelings and hopefully be able to go back and read them and see progression and see the realism that I portray here.. My soul.. My heart.. My inner most thoughts. It takes a lot to be able to put yourself out there.
Here we go>......
I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows who I am. This may be more for me than for my introduction... Eighty one posts into this blog is not really an introduction I suppose.
I was born April Michelle Redmond, I have enjoyed the Arts and Ballet my entire life. I danced for a professional company for 14 yrs and I think was a pretty happy go lucky child. I always felt like I was never good enough. I struggle today with the same feelings. I was a people pleaser and a great student. I was a teenage mother. I have no regrets. Justin is my world. I am who I am today because of the unconditional love that a tiny baby boy showed me while I was just a child myself. We grew up together and have an amazing bond. Our world was shattered when I became a widow after 19 yrs of marriage. In my marriage Jeff and I adopted 2 little boys and he had a son named Brett. They were our everything. After becoming a widow I did not thing that I could go on... I made two attempts on my life and self harmed. I am forever grateful that I was unsuccessful in my endeavors to end my life because I have been on the most amazing journey since finding out who I am... Michelle
I met Josh and our worlds began to blend together... Now, what you are not aware of is this: It is not easy to find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved with the broken pieces you are trying to hold together and also love my children. I believe that we were two broken souls that needed each other and we were able to hold each other tight enough that it put all the pieces back together. Are they scars? Absolutely, they remind us where we have been. No one needs to forget where they have been... It is a map to guide you into tomorrow. I love with all my heart. I love hard. I love messy. We married in a beautiful beach ceremony with our children. We blend together and ebb and flow. Our souls are in synch. I am so happy to have Josh in my life and now I get to do " life " with him.
I also have a debilitating disease that I have never wanted to be a hardship on anyone. I have prided myself on independence and the ability to take care of myself and my children. The last couple of months have been such a burden on Josh and my family. I have had to become humble in some of my affairs and ask for help. I have had to start over with another doctor, and trust that he will make sure my life is the best it can be. I am in charge of my life and my health. Hopefully, the relationship I have with the new Doctor will continue to be positive but if for one minute I do not think he is taking care of me, I will move on. These are my days on planet Earth and I choose to spend them in the best manner I can. I like to think I am superwoman, I am finding out that the simpler I make my life, the better it is.
The feelings I referenced earlier about never feeling like I am good enough... I refuse to allow this to be part of my thought process. I may never measure up to some people... That is ok. I am good with me. I will always march to the beat of my own drum... I will always be different, I like it. My tattoos and piercings are a Celebration of my life. They represent times in my life that needed to be remembered or treasured. Ordinary is boring... I teach my children to be their own person... to do what they dream, to believe...
I will leave you with this; Be kind... treasure Time... once it is spent, you can not get it back. Love the one you are with, always say I love You !!!
Mwah
The Ptaks, and the Gang of H's
