How much can you take? Where is the line in the sand ? Do you have limits? We all do... The difference is that we make choices about giving up and taking on the challenge of exactly how far we can be pushed so to speak. How far can we go and how much can we take? Where is your breaking point? I have come to terms that I have no answer for this question. I can not answer it. I thought I could. I have thought a thousand times " I am DONE " that is it... I can not take not one more thing... And, if you know anything about my story, you know that life continues to present itself and throw more and more shit at me and I keep going and never give up. I want to. I think we all do. Lately, I have had some challenges. Some with Nick, if you are following my blog, you know that Nikolas has Autism and is challenging some days. I wonder how in the hell I am going to keep on with him and make good choices that help him... I lay in bed some nights and wonder if I am making all the right decisions regarding both my boys. Am I celebrating their daddy in the right way ? Am I going forward in the right way...? Will I ever know what I am doing is right. Maybe not... It is the only way that I know to do it, so without that imaginary manual that does not exist I have no way of knowing. I can only hope that what I am doing is right. In my heart, most of the time I think I am doing it right. Sometimes I have doubts... The doubts are what create the question how much more can I take? I just try and suppress the doubt and go forward. Finding the circle of people that make up my bubble are why and how I can go forward.. No one knows how much they can take, we are all still here... We function to the best of our ability and find happiness where it can be found. Learn lessons where they can be learned and hope that we carry them with us at all times, not just when they apply. Then, there is LOVE... it encompasses us... it comforts us, it hurts us, it defies all that should not exist and sometimes is the reason we do exist...
" In life you will meet two special people: One changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other, who puts you back together after you have lost the first. "
I am so fortunate to have had an amazing, wonderful, loving, adventurous marriage with Jeff that was almost 19 years long. Almost half my life... I never was made to feel less than and knew that his love for me was undying. He also used to tell me that if anything happened to him, he would make sure that I was taken care of and that I deserved that same love forever, Infinity...
Josh and his kiddies came into my life and he loves me and my kiddies in the most undying manner. He loves us through the crazy and I KNOW that Jeff has made a way for all this to happen... I have said it over and over; I have been so fortunate to have not found this love once but twice and I am forever grateful. We are happy... I am happy... My children are happy... I only know one way to love, unconditionally and forever and ever always... INFINITY 888...
This is my journal.. My journey... Your entertainment.. ha ha !!! But some of you may wonder if what I put in these blogs is exaggerated or maybe I am seriously medicated. Neither is true. For this blog... We have a guest blogger... Jordan has been around our family her whole life. She has always been a part of ' us " whatever the US was... She sees first hand the trauma that my family experienced and she loved Jeff with all her heart as well... She visited last year and is visiting this year. She is going to share her perspective of what our lives are like and how she feels about it...
Welcome JORDAN :
Growing up around the Harrison's has been an adventure. When I was younger, I remember them coming over and everyone just hanging out. In my eyes, it was always Jeff and Michelle (and Nick, Noland and Justin.) When we all lived in Georgia, it was obviously easier to get together and hang out. Once they moved, my family would make trips to the beach, just to see this family. I always thought that Jeff and Michelle showed the way love should always be..unconditional. Sometimes, when I'm home, I think about the Harrison's and I automatically picture Jeff there. It's a habit, that I'm never going to escape. Jeff was a permanent fixture in my life, and it seems even death cannot change that. I do not know how I found out that Jeff died, but I do remember the memorial service that was held in Georgia. I don't remember much of it, because it was a very emotional day for everyone there. However, I remember sitting there in the church and thinking how perfect the song Upside Down was. Jeff was an amazing man, that I don't have many memories of, because I was so young when I met him, but the memories I do have are amazing.
Life in this house is insane, but I see Michelle show the same love Jeff showed her, to their kids, and to Josh. If Josh was around when Jeff was alive, there is no doubt in my mind that they would have been best friends. Josh demonstrates his love the same way that Jeff did. I believe 100% that Jeff put Josh and his children into Michelle's life. On a weekday, there are 3 boys here and on the weekends there are 2 girls along with the boys. It's crazy, but somehow it works. Ever since Nick was little, I've loved to be around him, and it seems he feels the same way, seeing how he has claimed me as his girlfriend. Although Noland doesn't say I'm his girlfriend, he's still an awesome little kid. Malaya and Maddy are the cutest littlest girls, and when I met them last year, I taught them to dance and then I was tackled. Jaycob...Jaycob doesn't like me, and I'm not really sure why, but he's a great kid with an amazing personality.
Jeff continues to be celebrated, by his family and people like me..who aren't really his family, but pretty much are. Jeff is still here..I've experienced it. Just the other day, Justin and I were arguing about our highschools..I told him that Spalding High kicked Griffin High's butt, and the Happy Birthday banner fell right off the wall. For those of you who don't know, Jeff was the the Bear's biggest fan. Josh is exactly what this family needed. He loves everyone like Jeff did, and he has the biggest heart towards people like me. Michelle is extremely lucky to have found a love like this, not only once but twice.
Love the one you're with and be happy. If you're not happy where you are, get up and move. You're not a tree.
From our home to yours... Love the one you are with, always say I love you... Life is precious.. so is time !!!
Much Love
Michelle
The Gang of H's' and a few Ptak's hanging around and Jordan
*** For those who don't already know, Jordan is 14 years old.. much wiser beyond her short years lived... We love her to the moon !!!
