LET me? think again...

 

I have a determined nature about me.  Always have, always will.  It is probably the one make-up of ME that has not changed since birth.  We all experience transitions in life that change us from one extreme to the other...  I have always been head strong, bull headed, and I believe in what is right and have no second guesses about what I consider wrong...  I would absolutely challenge anyone to say to me they are going to " LET ME " do anything...  It actually makes the wheels in my head start squealing and it is as if I can hear nothing, see nothing, except for that task that I have been told I was going to be allowed to do...  It is sometimes a character defect and sometimes an asset..  More on the defect side probably....  However, with that being said.... I also believe it is how I have conquered more than my fair share of trials in life. 

 

Having RA, sometimes makes me feel like the disease " let's me " do things and then sometimes it prohibits me from doing things.  Things that I used to not have to ask for help with.  Example:  Opening a bottle of water.  Most days I can accomplish this...  Then there are the days that I can not.  I struggle with those days and will almost do without than have to ask for help..  Silly I know...  I am determined that the disease will never dictate my life to me...  Stress is a huge trigger in flares from RA...  I try and eliminate as much stress from my life as possible.  That is damn near impossible.  I try and I do believe in simplicity... As long as it's MY way... ha ha ha ha  ( some of you are not laughing right now because you know that side of me ) ;)

 

 

We have had quite the year...  I am not bitter, this year has been rough... I am grateful for the family and friends that have rallied around us and been our cheerleaders and support.  We have made it and there were days that I was not so sure about.  This is where that bull headed-ness shows up and helps !!!  We have learned so much about our selves individually and as a family in the last year.  We have experienced a lot of really painful days where we held each other and barely survived and we have discovered that we are OK and had really good days and discovered we are Happy... We smile and laugh and know that we have to.  I will not sit here and waller and wonder why I am unhappy.  I have to make the choice to " get up, show up, and live " It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Grief will wipe you out in one swift movement if you are not careful.  It will take away your will to live, love and be loved.  For me, that almost happened.  For my widow sisters and brothers, it all sucks... It sucks bad... But we have the responsibility to continue on in life and live it !!! Our loves would tell us this I believe whole heartedly...

 

.

 

The kids really enjoyed the Holiday...  We have had a very Merry Christmas...  Lots of smiles and giggles and a house full of idle chatter and squeals and good food...  It was Awesome !!!  We have a new addition to our little family too.  He is tiny and cute as all get out...  His name is Trigger.  He is falling in love with us I am sure.  I know we are all falling in love with him and even Max is tolerating him too...  Reminds me of the days when we had to get up all hours of the night and feed and change diapers.. Except we have to walk outside in the middle of the night and take Trigger to go  "potty" I do not mind at all.  Knowing that that little puppy makes the kids smile so much is all worth it... He is super cute !!!

 

We had my dad and Felicia here Christmas Morning, and Josh and the girls that afternoon and the day after Christmas we had my sister, Isaac, and my nieces here and then my Brownie and Hannah came into to town too.  Lots of Festivities going on for several days.  Love Love Love It !!! 

 

 

Here's to the beginning of a new year, right around the corner...  I hope you all have a moment to reflect on the last year and find the positive.  I have the gift of Love and the lessons from this last year to carry with me into the new year.  Lots of awesome memories made, and many, many, many, more to make. THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL...

 

Josh, Thank you for being you.  For loving us unconditionally through the chaos and always being there for us.  It means the world to me and my boys and I hope we are always there for you.  I love your girlie's and I am so looking forward to the journey ahead of us...  Loves ya baby !!!

 

And with that, " its a wrap JACK " See ya 2013 !!!!

 

Live, Laugh and Love !!!

 

Love the one your with, never ever take time for granted, Life is short.

 

MWAH !!!

Michelle and the Gang of H's

Widowhood, badasses, and giggles... OH MY !!!

I have struggled with this blog for days now.  Why?  I have no idea...  tons of things going on with the Holidays and the Anniversaries that we have experienced in this last week.  Kid parties at Schools, Psych Appointments, maintaining the house, phone calls to straighten out what the government is supposed to take care of in the first place with Survivor Benefits...  Sitting on hold, promising to be called back...  bwahhhhhhh !!! Like that ever happens...  and REFLECTIONS of the last year.. whew !!! Get all that? 

 

So, I ran across this post about " What makes me a bad ass? "  hmmmmm, well... I guess I never really thought of myself as a " bad ass " but according to this definition. I am claiming it.  I am not going to make this blog about the hell we have endured, but I will say this... Instead of staying in the dark place that I was in, I have found the light.  Some days, a very dim light... I am still working on me, Michelle, the one I can not get away from no matter how hard I try... Wherever I go, there I am.

 

On this journey, I have discovered that people associate widowhood with weakness, that if you have been put in this predicament then you must be meek.  I beg to differ.  I connect with a lot of widows and widowers and one thing I can tell you is that we are the toughest, realistic people you can associate with.  Please stop telling us that your "divorce" is the " same " as our loss.  Really?  Yes your world was shattered, and can not be put back together, yes, it sucks to go through a divorce, but our spouses did not run off with a two bit whore, or gamble away our savings, or beat us.  They died.  Very different.  Two very opposite ends of the spectrum.  The similarities in starting over and learning to cope as single parents etc is somewhat the same.... I am no weak.  If you think I am, challenge me.  I can explain things to you that I have experienced in this journey that will make your skin crawl... 

There are people that I have put distance between us because I could not take the fact that to see me fail made them smile.  It takes a lot to shake me to the core of affecting my soul.  It has happened and I can guarantee you it will never ever happen again.  I believe in being KIND.  I believe in LOVE.  I believe that one day they will recognize what they have done and I hope it's not too late.... this blog was just to get some things off my mind.  It's simply that.  It's not a rant, may seem that way, it is not.  The blog is for me to journal my feelings and the going on's in our lives and have a collective way to go back and read them and see the growth or see what needs to be worked on.  It's a great tool in healing...

 

We have lots of positive changes going on in our lives.  We have been in search of that " new normal " for quite some time and I believe we are mastering it.  It's been a slow process.  We are discovering our new town that we live in and enjoying the country and the company that we keep.  My boys are discovering that we are OK.  We are remembering the happy memories and can laugh today more than we cry.  Spending more time with Josh and the kids is quite an adventure and I love it.  I truly believe that Jeff continues to guide us.  He lives in our hearts and has brought someone into my life that is absolutely amazing.  He is patient and kind.  He makes me smile and we hope to continue on this path of making new memories having a blast doing it. 

 

Love the one your with, say what you feel, always say I love you !!!

 

From us in the boonies to you all !!!

More will be revealed.

 

Michelle and the Gang of H's

 



Happy Birthday Noland...

Happy Birthday Noland...

December 10th, 2004

 

 

Not flesh of my flesh.
Not bone of my bone.

 But still miraculously my own.
And never forget for a minute.
You were not born under my heart.
You were born in my heart.
Unknown

 

 

I try and write on each one of my children's Birthday's....  My hope is that when they are older they can always have my thoughts to reflect back on.  Noland was born in Amarillo Tx and was placed in my custody when he was 5 weeks old.  He was a sick little guy and actually spent his first 9 days with us in the NICU being treated for Reflux...  It was so sad...  It was scary too...  The fact that he was sick was scary but the even scarier part was that we had been given this amazing gift of Noland. 

 

We fell in love with him the instant we laid eyes on him and knew that we had to fight for him too...  See, we were already in a fight to keep Nick safe and had hopes to adopt him. This was like the cherry on top.  Brother's together...

 

I feel so fortunate to have him and I am grateful every day even the days when he challenges me, which lately have been pretty regular.  This last year has been incredibly difficult and learning all of our new normal's has been trying for us all. 

 

 

I love his creativity and he is developing a love for music and I think he could be talented in that area.  He has always loved trucks and big heavy equipment and absolutely adores the motorcycle.. 

 

He misses his daddy but knows that he lives in his heart and always is watching over him and protecting him and if he will be still he can have the gift of his daddy guiding him in life. 

 

Today we celebrate Noland's birth and I also celebrate his birth mom. Without her, he would no exist... He is not of my flesh, but I labored for him in my heart and fought for him as I would a child that I had carried myself. 

 

 

This is one of Noland's favorite pictures...  It's not the best pic but he and his daddy were two peas in a pod with riding and going everywhere together.  Those who knew Jeff know why.  Everything and everywhere was an adventure.  Never mattered where it was or what they were doing... So, when I mentioned to him I needed to blog for his birthday.  He reminded me to put this picture in here.  So here ya go !!!

 

 

This was the last Birthday that Noland celebrated with his daddy here in the physical world.  He will be here with him this year, it will just be spiritually...  He never leaves us ; this I know... He loved us too much... 

 

So, Noland- I love you to the moon and back again Infinity !!!  I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY !!!  I am also so glad you were born and I have been given the gift of being your Mommy !!!  We have a special dinner to celebrate with tonight...  Good times and Good memories...

 

Hugs and Love

 

the Harrisons - aka The gang of H's