Bent not Broken...
Wow. ... It has been since November since I have blogged. I was totally shocked to see how much time had drifted between posts. I mean, It was not like I was doing anything important... Only running a household of 8, including my dad and his health issues... Trying to be supportive in his endeavors that included him going through a divorce and his health declining and Nick with his issues mentally that were so hard to navigate through... We have had so many things that have transpired since the last post. I need to put my thoughts on paper. I learned a long time ago that pen to paper never lies... I need to put my thoughts out into words. I can harbor them in my head for a period of time but eventually I have to release my thoughts and feelings.. I have always used this blog to express my feelings and it has never been for anyone else other than myself... My thoughts and what I reveal to others is and always will be my business. I have the ability to isolate and not allow my feelings to be heard or seen.. This helps no one...
My dad passed away on April 8th, 2018 at 9:03 pm at my home here in FLorida where he had been living with us over the last year and a half. My sister, Melanie and I were with him and he transitioned difficultly and head strong, staying true to who he was his whole life and I assume where we get most of our bull headed from. He was trying so hard to stay here with us. It was a very painful, spiritually breaking, emotional ordeal. His last breaths replay in my mind over and over... One comfort we did get was being able to talk to him almost to the very last hour he was here... He responded to Melanie and I every time we said " daddy " .
We were supposed to be in Dublin Ireland the week he passed and after 42 hrs of zero sleep I decided that he could not leave here without having heard bag pipes.... A very kind woman came within an hr of a blind message to her on Facebook begging her to please help us fill this wish... I climbed in the bed with my dad and dozed off for a few minutes and when I woke up, she was here... She played Amazing Grace and he opened his eyes and I know that he heard them... It was surreal...
He had gone through a trying divorce that had left him heartbroken and broke... His health had declined so quickly from when we were in GA in March to visit Family. I knew in my heart and I believe he did too, that it would be his last ride home... To Georgia... To see family and such... We talked on the way home and I asked him if he was scared to cross over. He replied he was not scared to cross over, Just scared to leave us. I was and am still dealing with losing my dad. I have suffered so much grief in the last 5 yrs that I was sure that losing my daddy would break me, unable to be put back together.
I am honored that I was able to take care of him, and he was my constant companion. I am very lonely still... Even in a house full of people, life is different and I find that my head is not so easily cleared. My dad always got me.. He just got who I was... If you know me personally, you know that I march to the beat of my own drum, I do not kn
ow how to filter my thoughts and sometimes I get a little rough around the edges, especially if you are hurting my family or friends.... And do not even think about hurting a child.
I have tattoos, piercings, and usually a crazy color hair.... I have a different perspective on life and how to handle challenges we encounter.
I actually was at a School event for Noland and was in the bathroom stall when a couple of other moms came in as a group and they were talking about me and how embarrassed my kids must be with me showing up with pierced arms, blue hair and something about my having tattoos... I asked Noland if that bothered him and he said " mom, you always say to be you, and nobody else.... that is just You... " I am not embarrassed.. ( just so you know the outcome of that situation, I opened the door of the stall and they all turned white.. it was 3 of them, and I just walked to the sink, washed my hands and walked out) No reason to get below them... These are just stupid examples of how my dad " got me " he never thought anything about what I believe spiritually or how I dressed or wore my hair... I don't break that easy...
I prefer to handle things in the most mature manor initially, but I have also learned that I can assault you and never lay a hand on you... The monsters in my mouth get me into trouble sometimes....
We all bend... some of us break... In the highest winds of some hurricanes there are trees that survive... They bend and the wind tries to take them out and they are sturdy and planted and they just bend.. not break... I think that we all have had a crossroad we have come to in our lives at some point where we thought we were broken. I have felt this way a lot. I have been studying how to have deeper meditations daily and how to use my mind over dealing with the pain I feel physically. I will never ever ever have a day where I am pain free.
That is where acceptance plays a key part in my journey here, but not really relevant for this blog...
I began to plant ideas in my head about how broken I was. The broken feelings began to orchestrate how I lived my life. The feeling of not being whole begins with questioning everything on a daily basis... It wrecks your emotions and robs you of joy and happiness. I let it reside in my heart and mind for a long time. Recently, I have had to take control of those feelings. It is difficult to release negativity. I did not think that it would be such an uphill battle. I have had to let go of a lot of feelings and just be PRESENT... I can not weigh myself down with what will happen with my disease. I can not carry the uncertainty of Nick's future, but I can say that every day I try hard to be better than I was yesterday. I can put things in place for my children so that the burden of all those feelings is lifted. I can and do have the power to BEND AND NOT BREAK. I AM NOT BROKEN.
Our life is chaotic and some days just down right awful... Navigating a family that is blended is difficult to conquer; add a special needs child and a chronic illness and you get AAAGGHHHHHH.
I am learning, like I said before on how to just be here... now... and while most things have to run a schedule here because Life... duh?
I am grateful to have someone who has stayed when the seas were rough, and promises to love us through it while we love him through life as well...
Josh, I have not blogged in a while, I want to say that I know that I am cared for and loved by you and you do more worrying than I do usually... I know you have encountered more in the time we have been together than you probably ever have.
It is hard to come home to what is sometimes an upheaval of behaviors that Nick is throwing around or holding your wife because she can't stand up for a long period of time after you have been working all day.
I also want you to know that I appreciate you and everything that you did for my dad. He did love you and maybe you and him shared different views, but that's what makes us all who we are. The last couple of weeks he was alive I know you both got to share some special times together and you will never ever hear " leggggs" from ZZ top and not think of him after you and dad blared the music that night. I am sure he told you things that were maybe not so important to you, but you listened and he got to share some " guy " stuff. Thank you will never be enough.... He loved you..
You do matter and I hope we show you how much we love you and I hope we get to have our Forever After... This forum is a little more public and I may or may not should even be sharing this directly to you here on this blog, but that is how important it is to me for you to know your role in " our " world. Always know that I love you and I appreciate you and I know that if we continue to go at life together we will be the lucky ones... The ones that can say we made it... Even through all the chaos, cussing and coffee... I look forward to seeing your FACE every day and cant imagine a world without you in it. I love you to the moon baby !!
So, until next time and there will be a blog soon... Remember to always be kind, Love the one you are with and always say I love you... Life is short... Eat the cake and buy the shoes...
Love, The Ptaks and the Tribe...
