Another Weekend Falls upon us... Success... We survived :)

 

Isn't that the ultimate goal?  To become " your highest self "  Can that even be accomplished?  Once we achieve our personal goals, do we continue to set the bar at an unreachable high?  These are things that ponder my thoughts and keep me up at night. 

 

Pain, the ultimate game changer.  The emotional pain, the physical pain, the emotional pain, the spiritual pain, the people in your life that can be a pain...  We all experience it.  I have determined that a reasonable amount of pain, whether it be physical or psychological is somewhat healthy.  Pain can help us feel again when we have become numb from the experiences that life throws at us.  It can open our eyes to see things from a new perspective.  I witnessed this morning a small child that is battling brain cancer.  He is fragile to say the least.  He is pale, sick, and going through what most of us could not even bear to think of...  He must first endure that pain to get to the next level, the game changer, to become healthy again.  Do we interpret that as positive or negative.  Honestly, it breaks my heart to see him.  Such a sweet innocent child, but I know that he will emerge through that pain and be healed.  His outlook is positive, and long term it is curable.  So, again, I plague you with pain...  positive or negative?

 

I meant to do a special blog on my sweet Lola's birthday, but as usual life handed me a box of chocolate and I had no idea what I was gonna get that day.  I did get to fly to Atlanta on Friday before her birthday and see her and squishy and my sissy and Isaac and got some GA love and then flew home.  Too short, I miss them terribly.  I got to grab a hug from my daddy-o too.  Good lovin'  Missed seeing my mom, but it was short notice and I grab her on my next fly by...

 

 

This quote is so true.  I had to take Nick to see his psychiatrist on Monday.  We entered into a situation with Nick that is not favorable right now.  We are tapering off Thorazine and adding another medication in a couple of weeks.  They are also adding an additional diagnosis ( as if he needs another dx )  Tourette's... Yippy.  So, we still have a lot of behavioral modifications to go through and try and get all this under control before school starts mid August.  It's tough to see him struggle and withdraw from medications.  Although, we are doing it as gently as we can, it's still tough and he does not feel well and when my kids hurt, I hurt. Bottom line.  I had quite the meltdown on Monday after returning from the Dr. with him.  I was just feeling like I was not enough, not strong enough, not the one to do this.  Where did my team go?  oh yea, I am a single parent now.  That's what sucks.  Hell, all of it sucks.  I am learning to cope and have some good people in my life that cheer me up when I need it.  They listen and love me through it. 

 

Thank you for just showing up and knowing when I need to put my knees in the wind.  Sometimes that is the only way I can get through the next moment.  I am grateful to you in a multitude of ways but without me even saying it, you know how help me smile.  :)  Life is good sometimes, even in the midst of all the crap that we are going through.  It's nice to have good people around you... 

 

These people here help me to laugh and remember it's okay to have fun too.  Grilling at the Laketown Wharf...  We are the LTW misfits.  Good times and good people.  You all mean the world to me. !!!  Hugs and much love to you all....

 

All I have to say is " I love you "  thank you for not judging me and for taking me to eat yogurt.  Yum !!!  You always listen and it helps... Whether you know it or not. 

 

Well, love hugs and sandy toes to you all

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

 

 

I, Michelle Harrison, give Michelle permission to.......

I, Michelle Harrison, give myself permission to:  Live life as passionately as I have grieved. Hmmm...  Something to ponder... Yes?  The realism of this is that we almost have to be given permission to smile, laugh, enjoy anything once we have lost our spouses.  It sucks, because we know in our hearts that if they were able to send us a message it would be to live and have fun and smile and remember the good times.  However, society has plagued us with the immense responsibility of only conducting ourselves in a certain manner.  Truth being that most widows/ widowers do not fit the mold that most have imagined we should be.  I think I can speak for most of us when I say that the pain is horrific, the thoughts race, the last moments, the last conversations, when you can remember smelling them the last time, the last argument, the last I love you...  Was it sincere?  Did they know that I loved them?  It is because of all these mangled up emotions that we actually need a " permission slip "  ......  So, today I have endorsed mine.  Have you signed your permission slip? You do not have to be a widow/widower to have a permission slip...  What is holding you back?  I know the ever present feeling of NOW... 

 

Today, I sign my slip...  Pressing forward in the game we call life. 

 

That being said, I am also learning what I will and will not tolerate in my life today.  I also know that I still do not have a filter, so I am learning to walk away.  Not in my character,  I am always up for a good argument.  Everyone that knows me, knows that I am passionate about some things, however, stuck in " widowhood " I am also reminded of how short life is.  Lesson learned.... 

 

 

Justin and I went to the shooting range on Sunday.  We had a good time.  It is something we have been wanting to go and do for a while now.  It was awesome !!! 

 

So, hugs from the beach to you all.  More blogging to come !!!

 

Love, Hugs and Sandy Toes...

 Michelle and the gang of H's

 

Life is Fragile... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN...

JULY 9TH, 5:19 A.M

 

July 9th, 1992- Justin Douglas Willeby entered the world and my life changed forever.  I can not believe that 21 yrs ago you took your first breath, opened your beautiful little eyes and starred back at me for the first time.  I created you.  The best thing I have ever done in this world by far.  There was no manual, no instructions, just me and you to take on the world.  I made plenty of mistakes, always tried to do the right thing, but being so young and being a mommy was so scary at first.  I wish that I had done things differently, but I have no regrets.  We learned as we went along. 

 

You are the only person in the world who has heard my heartbeat from the inside...  We have always been close and shared a special bond... A closeness that I do not believe all children have with their moms.  I had to grow up and you grew up with me.  I treasured all your firsts, your first tooth, your first crawl, your first steps...  Your first day of school, middle school, high school...  Playing football.

 

You are the reason that I continued to breathe, the reason I got up some days. 

 

I know how hard this birthday will be for you.  Dad would have made a HUGE deal out of today.  He is so proud of you and the young man you are becoming.  I know that he is watching over you and keeping you safe and trying to guide you.  Listen to what your heart desires...  I know that you have had to step into some adult roles that you should not have to assume at your age.  You are doing a great job and I want you to know that I love you sooooo much !!! 

 

Enjoy your day...  We have lots to celebrate !!! 

 

Love you to the sky and back again.

 

Mom & Dad !!! 



As the Wharf turns...

 

 

Still no filter for my brain, anywhere in site...............................

 

Thought I would blog about a bunch of random things going on in my life..   Probably not the most exciting blog but it's about me getting my thoughts out and sometimes entertaining you all.  Hope both are accomplished... :)

I live in a resort, there are 700 condo's here, it is the week of 4th of July, it is crazy crazy crazy, to say the least.  There are long term residents like myself here and we have a special, secret FB page that we vent, post issues about, and let each other know about things happening on the property.  It is a great way to keep us all informed.  That being said, we had a robbery/ drug deal that happened in the parking deck, where I park my car.  We have two parking decks.  A north and a south.  This happened in the south tower, actually right by my car.  I was entering the parking deck structure and my phone started going crazy with notifications, I was reading what was happening, because one of our residents has a scanner, as the elevator was opening on the floor where my car was parked.  The doors opened and there were several police cars parking all crazy, several security employees, a gentleman, the victim, I am assuming, and just chaos. The thieves/ drug dealers were on foot on the property and were armed.  How lovely?  I do not scare easily... EVER....  However, knowing that this was taking place right where my car was parked in broad daylight during the busiest time of the year next to spring break here where I live was not a comforting thought. 

Not a great pic, but I was kind of hiding to take the pic and hurrying to get the heck out of there.  I left went to the Post Office, and returned, still the notifications were going crazy on my phone, they were looking for these guys who did this and trying to find them, they were running around where I live, crazy people with guns....

Hard to see, but they were finally caught.  Thank goodness.  Two hours later.  I do not know the actual story of what had happened.  I just know that they did something bad and they were where I live and it could have ended badly. 

Which brings me to this:  I walk into that parking structure alone, at night, all by myself.  It made me acutely aware of my widowhood...  It sucked.  It actually shook me up just a bit more than I thought it did.  I miss my old life, my security...  I miss never being alone.  I miss just having that someone that would have been devastated to know that I was in that situation. Life is different now.  I have to be the protector, the provider, the strength...  It just gets old...  I miss Jeff...  His smile, His reassurance that everything was going to be OK. 

So, I try to just believe that everything is going to be OK.  Making it sometimes is faking it. !!!

Love and Hugs,
Michelle