Missing My Sweet Salah Michelle's Birthday ~!

 

This blog is very simply about my Sweet Salah Michelle...  She is absolutely precious...  I so wish I could have been there to squish her yesterday on her actual Birthday...  Aunt Chelle will be there on Wednesday, when your REAL birthday party will happen...  ( even though your mommy is having a party for you tomorrow, it's not really a party cause I am not there... )

 

I love you and your Uncle Jeff loved you too...

 

 

I will see you and your sissy, my mini me, on Wednesday Lovie... 

 

Aunt Chelle



All wrapped up in a little egg...

 

 

 

 

Noland had counseling this morning and had been working during his alone time with the counselor on this Memory Egg.  Today he finished it and brought it out to show me and explained what it was.  He had such a sparkle in his eye, life, something I have hoped for.  Today, it was revealed in the discussion about a little plastic egg and what it holds...

 

A peace sign, because he always felt safe and peaceful when he was with his daddy.

 

A seashell, because he loved going to the Ocean with his daddy for as long as he can remember and it is where his daddy's ashes are scattered...  He said that he also knows that his daddy sends us dolphins so that we know he is around us.

 

A sun, because our world was brighter when daddy was here.

 

A star, because when he looks at the sky at night and sees the stars he pretends that one of them is his daddy shining down on him and all of us letting us know its ok...

 

Yeah, try sitting in front of your child while they describe these things and not cry... I did, it was hard as hell and  haven't stopped since I got him back to school...  I am proud that he is able to progress through this process.  Kids are so inventive and we can learn so much through their innocence and unconditional love.  Noland was truly a daddy's boy.  From the word go... He went everywhere with Jeff.  Noland still attends a meeting on Friday night that he went to with his daddy every week. 

 

 

We will be OK... I know that whatever lies ahead, I got somebody watching over me and has never ever let me fall without catching me.  I am in good hands...  I love you baby !! Life is so different, I will always go forward... Somehow, Someway !!!

 

Hugs and Love !!!

 

 



MY HEART SHATTERED THIS MORNING....

 

 

 

This blog won't be long... Just need to get this out of my head.  We have wondered about Nick reacting to Jeff's passing.  He has said he knows where Jeff is and that he understands that Jeff is not coming home...  His short term memory played hell for the first two weeks with him not retaining the information... However, after that first two weeks it seemed as though he " got " it... 

 

 

 

This morning Nick started early, around 4:30 a.m. just being Nick.  Obsessing over finding a $5.00 bill.  Not sure why, we don't challenge these things, but he was not successful so he was beginning to head toward the meltdown zone...  I got onto him for acting out and tried to deal with the situation as best as I could.  It was about 6:45 a.m.  So you can imagine my patience level was beginning to warp a bit.  He was beginning to become a little bit complacent and cooperative and all of the sudden he just begins to cry... Really cry... tears and all.  This is unusual, Nick whines like most kids, but real gut wrenching crying is not common for him.  I went to put my arms around him and thought he was just tired and surrendering was having an unusual effect on him and he just collapsed in my arms...  Crying louder and louder, limp, all I could understand was " I JUST WANT MY DADDY, I DIDN'T WANT MY DADDY TO DIE.... WHHHYYYYYYYY????? " 

 

 

 

I tried to just hold him and comfort him.  We got through it, but it was an eye opener for me.  He does understand and have feelings about what is going on and that he is upset over it.  I had wondered... Wish I did not have to find out that way, but now we know and hopefully I can now help him through it

 

 

 

Once we are armed with knowledge, we don't need anything else.  Knowledge is power.  It can be as simple as researching a disease, or just knowing what your children are going through.  Not knowing is like swimming blind.  You can do it, but it's much more effective if you can see where you are headed and are able to navigate.

 

 

 

 

My heart did break... It broke because when my children hurt, so do I. 

 

 

" I teach my children a lot of things, one thing I have always made sure of is that when they were little and as they grew up I danced in the rain with them.  Just crazy dancing whether it was day or night. 

 

 

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain. "

 

 

 

So, Dance in the RAIN... Free your mind, spirit and emotions...  Listen to your children and never ever forget that our journey here may be stormy, but it passes so you might as well dance...

 

 

 

 

HAPPY ANNIVER.....Whatever......

 

( This was the last picture I ever took of Jeff, less than 24 hrs before he left this world )

 

 

Anniversaries are completely over rated... unless you are with that special someone... Then you betcha its super important and you better not forget... In a relationship, that's one quick way to the

" dog house "...

 

Funny thing about Anniversaries, they exist even when the person you shared them with does not.  The dates will show up and roll around and no matter how badly you don't want to experience them, guess what? they happen...  So, Today is one of those days.  I hope in time that today will be a day that I can reflect and love the moments that have happened in between.  Right now, it is just a constant reminder of what was and the future is scary because it is unknown.  I have to make a choice, to scream through all of this or enjoy the ride.  My ride with Jeff was amazing.  If it never happened for me again, I could not say that life slighted me at all.  It has been a great ride.  The ride, however, is just on pause... 

 

We have quite a few firsts to accomplish in the upcoming weeks...  We will get through them, I know, they will just be tough...  I am tough though and hopefully my kids will draw from my strength and through this experience they can grow...  Some days we grow more and some days not at all...  That's the PROGRESS in this process...  Can't expect it to happen overnight. 

 

I love my family and friends that are surrounding me via text messages and such to let me know that they are there.  It's just nice to sometimes get that reassurance.  Life is so sketchy...

 

So, today I celebrate the love that Jeff and I shared by going to the Beach this afternoon...  This is what we both loved and I believe if he were here today with me in his physical body, that is where we would have gone.  Picked up the kids, and hung on the sand, watching the kids have a blast. 

 

I was 20 years old when I took a vow to love him through sickness and health, in good times and bad, for poorer and richer.  I am honored to have been his wife and now will continue to honor him, knowing that he is watching over us. 

 

Hug the one your with...  Never take anyone for granted... LIVE life... it's short.  Oh and have fun doing it... 

PROGRESS.... WHAT?

 

" There is always room for improvement, it's the biggest room in the house " - Louise Heath Lebar

 

 

 

Sitting on the heels of yet another date that is going to take my emotions hostage.  I have contemplated just simply locking myself in my bedroom on Friday and not doing anything.  Not thinking, not feeling, not seeing anyone, not being... But, bottom line, Friday will come and go and the world will not stop spinning because of May 24th...  I, however, reflecting on past years will have to find the progress in this as well..  I am not sure how to grow through all of this... I just simply continue to take it one moment at a time.  Sometimes, even down to getting through the next five minutes. 

 

 

I have discovered that being a single mom sucks.  I never imagined myself as a single mom.  My kids have always had hands on parents.  Mom and Dad...  This whole reality of not having their dad is so traumatic.  They are actually doing pretty well.  It's me, wondering if I am going to give them everything that two parents could have given them.  My older boys, they struggle in their own way.  They communicate their loss and we work through it.  Nick having Autism, and his struggle in communicating appropriately just sets the bar so high to help him accomplish working through all of this.  Noland, he just tries to protect my heart...Noland struggles and misses his daddy so much but he uses his " shell phone " to call his daddy and talks to him.  It warms my heart to see how he has developed a coping mechanism to get through this. 

 

 

We are growing stronger as a family and that is what matters.  We are trying to find that new normal that everyone has told us we have to get to.  I believe " everybody " it's just a challenge. 

 

 

I am going to live, play, and love with all my heart... I am who I am... Which by the way, I am discovering " Michelle " right now.  Verdict is still out on that one...  I do know that I have no filter any more... Whatever I think, I say...

 

 

Looking forward to my next trip to Georgia in June... Got lots of fun things planned and looking forward to seeing my family and my sweet girlies... Mini Me and Squishy...  Love them to pieces. So, for now, I am progressing... Learning lots of new things about me, my kiddies and the world.  I am tough, I will survive, and I will be better because of it... Jeff left me with some amazing gifts.  Loving unconditionally, challenging myself, having a moral compass, and most of all kindness...  So, I will continue on this journey and hopefully continue to make him proud and be the best I can be for my kids... Grown and small...  Love, Peace and Sandy Toes...

 



whoo hoo... what a weekend...

 

 

Our visit with family started on Wednesday... Brett and Zack arrived late Wednesday afternoon.  It was so good to visit and hang out... We talked a lot about Jeff, and how we are all coping.  The boys are doing really well adjusting to our new normal. They have lots of feelings, but we are here for each other. Jeff would have wanted it that way... wouldn't have expected anything else from us I suppose. We are continuing to just take this day by day.  I would be lying if I did not say that seeing all the boys together warmed my heart and made my soul giggle just a bit... 

 

 

 

On Thursday, My dad and My ex wife in law came into town... For those who don't know who my ex wife in law is...  It's Shani, Jeff's ex wife. Brett and Zack's mom...  She's awesome and I am so grateful to have her support in my life today.  It did not start out that way 19 years ago, but making the decision to put the past behind us a long time ago made room for an amazing friendship.  We have helped each other through many trials and hiccups in this world.  Our boys are better because of our decisions to be friends and take vacations together and spend time together when they were little.  Honestly, Jeff would not have it any other way.  Either we had to figure this out for the kids or I believe he would have locked us in a room until doomsday, it was that important to him.  So, if you are reading this blog and don't really know the whole story: Just know this... if you are divorced and have children.  Figure out a way to get along...  It may be a hidden gift in your world.  I am grateful for Shani... 

 

 

My dad actually rode down here with Shani, so we were super excited to see them both.  The little guys got to spend some much needed Gdaddy time with him and of course the big boys too.  We had a great time.  Saturday, the 18th was my dad's birthday and a day that we reflected back on from last year.  It was a year since Jeff's first strokes, the heart attack and him being admitted into ICU, My dad was also in the hospital last year on his birthday and my sister, Mel, was rushed to the hospital in early labor with Salah Michelle.  Thankfully, my dad was ok. Salah was born weeks later and was healthy and we thought that Jeff was on the mend.  Little did we know that it would be the beginning of the end of the world that we knew.  Jeff spent the next three months in Therapy learning how to make certain words again, dealing with the damage that the stroke left him with.  So, we decided to scatter the ashes into the Ocean with the family that was here with us.  It was difficult, but also provided us with a little bit more closure.. And seeing family was awesome...

 

 

I got to spend a little one on one time with each of the little guys and Brett and Zack while they were here also.  We had a great visit and of course hate to see everyone leave... We miss them so much, but getting back to life is the name of the game now.  Can't look back, have to go forward.  The pain that I experience some days is unbearable, but it does pass and I am reminded when I see all my guys under one roof that I have to keep it all together for me and them. 

 

 

 

Then, last night, Brett Zack and I got to go and hang out sitting on the deck at Pineapple Willy's, listening to the Ocean and the music and just chilling out... 

 

 

So, I leave you with this...  To my boys, all four of you; and Ryan and Zack...  !!!  Your daddy loved you to the sky and back again.  Live life, Love with all your heart, Dance in the rain...  Take chances, be yourself... never forget where you come from and what you have been taught.  Your Daddy was so proud of you each for your own accomplishments but more so because you are all a reflection of him, who he was and who will be in your hearts... 

 

 

 





Girl Down at the Post Office.....



Blogging today very quickly, just to get this out of my head.  I am pretty tired.  Brett left to come here late last night and blew a tire at around 2 a.m and had to be towed... No spare tire, I know... let's not even go there...  anyway, awaiting his arrival...  So, seems when I am tired I tend to be much more emotional and reflective... 

I had to go to the post office and grab my mail and I had someone else's mail in my box, so I stood in line to hand it to someone at the actual counter and while I was standing there, I noticed this make-shift card holder holding greeting cards... Of course they were for " FATHER'S DAY "...  They could not have been clearance Mother's Day cards... Not today... So, I have a full on panic attack while in line at the post office.  I feel it coming on, I know I am about to go down and I can't shake it.  I move to the Island and lean for a second and try and collect myself and bam... down I go...  to the floor.  Several people rush over and check on me, I am trying to collect myself and can't... All I can do is point to the stupid ass display and cry and not breathe....  I finally get through it and throw the mail across the counter to the mail clerk and walk as fast as I can to my car...  sit in my car... and get more and  more pissed.  Really? in the post office?  I can't control this !!!!!  I try and then out of nowhere BAM !!!!! 

The positive side to this is that it has been several weeks since I have encountered one of these attacks that takes me hostage and renders me an idiot during the emotional breakdown in front of strangers...  I am making progress and that's what this is all about.  PROGRESS !!! 

I leave you with the quoted advise of a Widda Sista...


"You will work through your grief in your own way and in the amount of time you need. The operative word in that sentence is WORK, though. If you want to reach that “light at the end of the tunnel” YOU must participate in thoughts and activities that will continually move you one step closer to it."

Back in the saddle, ready for life...  Here I go !!

Hugs Love and Sandy Toes...

Refusal to Sink....and Pink Shoes ROCK !!!

 

 

 

 

Just where exactly does that leave me?  My refusal to sink, I suppose it can be interpreted in a multitude of ways... Such as, I refuse to go down with the sinking ship IE:  my life the way it is now vs. what it was prior to losing my best friend, amazing husband and father of my children...  Yep, that about sums it up.  I will not sink.  I will continue to stay afloat.  I will do what it takes to LIVE... Some of you may not approve of how I choose to LIVE my life.  That is ok.  I don't necessarily approve of a lot of what people do in their lives.  But it is NOT ok for me to make a judgment regarding how you live it.  I make a choice to have you in my life and if I do so, then I love you regardless of whether it's rainbows and butterflies all the time.  But, if I LOVE you, you KNOW it.  I will do anything in my power to support you, even if I don't agree or it is not my choice for you. 

 

I have had the experience going through this process of finding out that their are people that I allowed myself to love, really love that have hurt me and my family the most.  Chances are if you are reading this, you are not one of them, because I have done a damn good job of erasing such folks from my life.  This blog is not about my preaching to you about what is right and wrong, it is simply my experience and it is for me to grow through this process.  This just happens to be one of the bumps that I encountered on the way.  The real issue is that I allowed this to take place.  I let them into my world and I suspect I pulled the wool over my own eyes to want it to be truly what it was not.  Lesson learned.  I believe that as long as you come out on the other side and have learned something then you succeed.  May not always be what you had hoped for, but you can grow from it.

 

Moving on to growing through the process.  I am learning a bit about myself.  A couple of weeks ago I saw the prettiest pink shoes.  Never would I have ever thought about pink shoes, but I could not resist.  They were awesome.  I know what you are thinking, what does pink shoes have to do with growth?  I am a black, khaki and grey kind of girl.  Always have been.  Do not wear bright colors and especially recently...  So, I stepped out of my comfort zone and have enjoyed the pink shoes...  It starts small.  Discovery of who you are, and it simply started for me with a pair of pink shoes...  Those who know me, know that I am a strictly flip flop kind of girl...  Well..... SURPRISE...

The pink shoes.... To begin my amended life !!!

 

I am so excited...  Brett and Zack are on their way here right now.  They will be here through Saturday or Sunday.  We are so excited to see them. 

 

Let the fun begin !!!  Love, Hugs and Sandy toes, in pink shoes !!!

 



 

 



AND.... It's HERE !!!

 

 

So, it happens... whether we protest it or not, the days roll on in and we endure the feelings that come with whatever the rest of the world is celebrating...  The day started a little rough...  Remembering the last 18 Mother's Days and how important I was made to feel on those days... Like a Queen, Jeff always made sure that Mother's Day and most celebratory days I was made to feel so important...  Today, I still feel important.  I feel cherished... I feel special...  Not because of anything anyone has done, but because I am a mom.  I know that no matter what my kids love me and they love me because of the love not only I showed them, but their daddy showed them. 

 

I was watching a friend of mine with his girls yesterday, they climbed on him, told him they loved him, played silly games back and forth and I found it to be enlightening.  I know that those girls will always have those memories of being loved.  In the same breath, I was sad...  My kids would give anything to have those " moments " again with their dad... Then, it dawned on me that it is up to me to make sure that those memories continue with ME...  I am the avenue in which they will remember Jeff. 

 

Today I embrace Mother's Day for exactly what it is.  My precious gifts...  Loving my mom and knowing that through it all...  Mother's Day or not, I have had the honor of blending our lives with children, ours and some that were not ours...  We are loved... 

 

In the famous words of my former Boss, " it is what it is "...  So, with that, we move forward... appreciating what life hands us and learning to spin it into something positive. 

 

We are about to head to the BEACH and have our souls tickled by the waves and the shore... 

 

Happy Mother's Day All !!!

 

Love, Hugs and Sandy Toes

 

 

To My mom,: Happy Mother's Day !!! I love you to the sky and back again !!!  



 

Thanks Baby for always making me feel so special !!!  I miss you !!

OF COURSE... MOTHER'S DAY !!!

 

 

I was sharing with someone today about how difficult Holiday's are, Anniversaries, Etc.  Just sometimes life on life's terms is difficult...  I manage usually, focus on going forward... But like any other commercialized holiday, it's plastered all over the place.  I am grateful that I can celebrate Mother's Day by appreciating my mom and all the wonderful lessons she has taught me.  I am grateful that I have always had my mother's support and love...  What I was sharing with this individual was just about how present the loss is because it IS Mother's Day weekend.  The comment I received from this individual, which meant no harm, was " well, just celebrate that you have the boys and get to be with them on Sunday ".....  Ok, so thoughts on this comment:  I cherish my children beyond measure, however, it was not my CHOICE to be a single MOM...  These are NOT MY children, they are OUR children.  We made the decision to blend our families and adopt the little guys.  I did not choose this on my own...  so, yes, I will celebrate being a MOM, best Job in the world. However, I am still frickin upset that it is not like it used to be, nor will it ever be like it WAS.

 

I have decided to start a new tradition this year and include the tradition that we have adopted over the years.  There will be a key component missing, but I know he is always with us in spirit, lives in our hearts and whispers to us in the wind. 

 

 

This next week will be a good week.  I am really looking forward to getting some GA love from my Daddy and Felicia and Jen and Jon and their little guys...  Also, Brett and Zack are coming up from Fort Myers.  We have a ceremony planned for Friday to scatter ashes, we are all ready.  You might think that it's not something you prepare for: beg to differ... It is, we have had lots of talks regarding what to do and how and when.  We have several other family ceremonial ash scatterings planned throughout the year and we will discover new feelings each and every time we approach this.  We are going to enjoy each other's company and have a BLAST !!!

 

Everyone will head out by the 18th which is a HUGE anniversary to get through...  It is also my daddy's Birthday... 

 

I have plans to take Noland to the Gulf World Marine Park tomorrow as a surprise and as part of my " Mother's Day celebration "...  Nick is going Fishing with Justin and Callon...  Hopeful we can get through this and next year we will remember how much fun we had and how we turned it around.

 

I always try and make sure that I stress that even though we are trying to go forward, it does not discount what happened to us, or our friends and family, but I have to LIVE !!  Life is so short...  We have to LIVE it !!!  HUGS AND LOVE !!!

LIFE... A FOUR LETTER WORD.....

 

We become adaptable to our surroundings...  We chew on what people say and how they act, we become hypersensitive to other's actions.  Why?  Welcome to Widowhood...  I have amazing widda-sisters that I have had understand what I am going through, what my irrational thoughts actually mean in a not so literal sense.  It's a club, a club no one wants to become a member of.  However, here we are.  Total strangers, supporting one another through the hellish storms of LIFE, which has now become the new four letter word.  We are the ones comforting each other in the middle of the night when no one can sleep, and the ones awake when one does catch a few hours of sleep and awakens to the reality it was not all a dream.  My widda-sisters are all in different places, but someone has been where you are at the very moment. 

 

This is not to say that friends and family are not helping me through my grief, they are absolutely, but unless they have experienced what I am experiencing, it comes from a good place, they do not understand.  I have had the utmost support, encouragement, and love from the people that are close to me and some that even surprised me. I am grateful for all of these things.  This is where my new journey begins, and the other life I have lived for almost 20 yrs is amended.

 

 

Well here goes...  starting a blog to keep those informed of life, my life, the new life we are beginning the life that we knew that has not ended, just been amended...  So, here we go.  Hold on... it's gonna be bumpy, hysterical, tearful, mean, possibly could even make your soul giggle.  It's our life and we are going to share it with you...  Our biggest cheerleaders !!!