Keepin On... Keepin On...

The crew !!! 

Thought I would blog a bit since I had treatment last night and am feeling a bit better... Lots of thoughts going through my head at the moment... Some I can share, some I CANNOT...  Life is changing... It's a good change.  A positive change.  I think it is a reminder that we are still here for a reason. That our purpose here has not been fulfilled.  I believe you have to continue to live and dream and love and experience life on an amazing level.  I will not settle for ordinary in anything that I do.  I have no desire to show my children that ordinary is okay.  I say JUMP... do not look.. Just do it !!! 

My 40th birthday will be upon me soon.. I have a goal.. I am going to do 40 random acts of kindness between April 1st and my birthday June 13th.  I also want to skydive on my birthday... that is a whole different blog topic.  ( really really really want to do it )

I never thought that any birthday would really have any affect on me, but somehow I think this one will.  I bet you are thinking I mean negatively, NOT... I am happy to be 40... it means I am still here.  I tried to check out of life and surrender to the demons in my head... there I was, again, facing all that nonsense full frontal, deciding that it was NOT going to happen.  It did NOT I am here, I am living... I enjoy waking up and taking on the day.  I decided I am one badass bitch... 

( and it has )

I think I have learned a lot about my soul on this journey. I bear mine.. do you? 

Not much more can be said... Goodnight everyone... Appreciate what you have, enjoy life.  Love the one you are with... Be KIND !!!

Love from The gang of H's and the Ptaks 

Michelle 

The waves of who I am...

The me you know is truly what you see.  I am flawed. I am my own worst enemy. I AM MY WORST CRITIC ...  I will never ever be a "good enough" me.  I am always looking to improve myself and my relationships.  I do know that I come in waves...Sometimes slapping the shore in an angry fashion and enjoying the retreat back into the safe haven of the calmness. There are times when the waves of me are only ripples softly cascading back and forth with the rhythm of the tide...

Our family is growing and the blending of two lives is an adventurous journey. We are making lots of new memories and continuing to keep Jeff's memory alive. The boys love sharing funny stories of their daddy to Josh and the girls. The boys also talk about how much they miss their daddy and how lucky the girls and Josh's son are to have him here to do all the fun things they do together. WE are fortunate to have Josh embrace us and love us and to have him in our lives.

Also can't wait to meet this little guy... He will coming to visit with us this summer.  Josh's son Jaycob lives out of state and you all know my theory on time... It's precious.  We are going to have tons of fun this summer... The boys are excited to meet him and ride bikes and play together with the girlies...  Going to be some fun times coming down the pipe... 

Justin is working hard at training every week and working a full time job as well.  He is making plans to move out on his own in September.  It will be hard on me to just not have his sweet face here every day.  I have not gone more than about 7 days in his entire life without having him at home.  Big hurdles, but it is time...  Justin has been shaped and molded into what Jeff taught him and he has some amazing morals and ethics about him.  I am very proud of him... I love him to the moon and back again... Infinity !!! 8888888

We continue to do the next right thing and I continue to remember how much I was loved and how to love those that are dear to me.  Be happy for us... Moving on does not mean we have forgotten, it just means we we are healing and Jeff is guiding us from over the Rainbow bridge... He always told me that he would take care of me no matte what... He is still doing that... I still grieve.  I will always grieve... I will always miss him... He will always live in my heart, where now there is space for someone else to reside... I never knew it to be possible to love someone again as much as the love Jeff and I shared...  Well, it is... I feel super duper lucky to have had that happen for me twice, many people will never have that once !!!

From us out in the boonies..

The Gang of H's and a couple of Ptak's hanging around !!! :)

mwah...

 Love the one your with... You are never promised tomorrow... Say I love you... Live with no regrets !!!

Michelle 

Scars.... do you cover yours?

I remember being a child and being worried about whether a cut or boo boo would scar... leave a mark... or flaw me in some manner.  The definition of scar is:

scar

1  

noun

1.

a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

2.

a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury

 resulting from suffering or trauma.

3.

any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.

4.

Botany . a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen 

from a stem.

verb (used with object), scarred, scar·ring.

5.

to mark with a scar.

We all have scars. Some we hide... some we parade in full view, proud of. The ones we hide are usually the ones that we fear if somebody saw would expose us and make us vulnerable.  Naked almost. 

My scars today tell a story. A Fairytale, a romance, and a horror story.  The fairy tale is obviously the birth of my child and the scars on my heart from going through adoption for Nick and Noland... I do not mind exposing those to anyone. The Romance scars I do not mind exposing and sharing the lessons I have learned from loving from my heart and soul. Horror story scars are another issue. I hide those deep from anyone... Sometimes from myself. I want to forget them.  Pretend they never existed.  Ignore them and try and make them into something else.  Put them into another category... Like, try and make them into the Fairytale scars but they never stick.  They always find their way back to the Horror category.  

The trouble is this is the problem not just with me, but with everyone... We hide what make us who we are.  We hide the vulnerable parts of our souls because once exposed it gives others the opportunity to HURT us.  No part of any human being wants their soul just hanging out there for the world to trample.  

Every day I learn something about myself.  My new self...  The self that changed that is part of that horror scar.. The difference now is that the scar from beginning the journey into widowhood is not as bright... not as noticeable.  It has began to somewhat blend in with the other scars... This scar was too big and ugly to ever hide.  There it was right out in the open... Everyone could stare at it.  No one knew what to say or how to act around it... As time goes on and my new self transforms I discover that people now see me, the different me, not a bad horrible scar that was ever present...  Yes, my life changed, everything about that was not easy.  I make a choice every day to do something positive to make my children look up to me and see a strong woman that had her feet swept out from under her in one swift motion and still go forward every day.  I do have feelings, I do not show them to just anyone.  I guard them, I expose them to only those worthy of seeing them. Revealing them layer by layer and ever so carefully...  I hate to feel anything but happy...  and on this journey happy has been difficult.  

Love this guy... He loves me... We are making memories and being an example of what love is like to our kiddies.  Making plans to continue on in this life together and being each other's cheer leader and enjoying the ride together... Amazingly happy again.  I smile, he makes me smile.. My kids remind me that it is really simple to accept things as they are and LOVE every minute we are given here.  I feel Jeff smiling and I know he is still guiding me... I have to be still and patient, but I am going to be OK... 

The next chapter in my story book of life... I do not mind sharing my scars today.  They tell my story, my imperfect, sometime shameful, sometimes courageous story.  It is not a secret what myself and my children have endured.  Today we choose to be happy.  To do the next right thing.  To continue going forward. I say it over and over, just be KIND.  Yes it happened.  Yes losing my best friend suddenly in the game of life sucks.  He taught me so many things and I learned a lot of lessons about what is important and how short life is.  I suggest that you treat people with love and respect.  Take care of your own. Encompass your life with people that will love you back even when you do not love yourself.  I am so grateful to be where I am today.  The gift of love in this lifetime again is unthinkable for some to have once.  I feel very very special to have found it twice. Love the one you are with, say I love you, always always always LIVE !!! There are NO Do over's...  Show your scars... allow people to love you. The scars that you protect and guard the most are exactly the ones that you need to bear.. 

From our house in the boonies to you, Mwah !!!

The gang of H's with a couple of Ptak's hanging around !!!