LET me? think again...

 

I have a determined nature about me.  Always have, always will.  It is probably the one make-up of ME that has not changed since birth.  We all experience transitions in life that change us from one extreme to the other...  I have always been head strong, bull headed, and I believe in what is right and have no second guesses about what I consider wrong...  I would absolutely challenge anyone to say to me they are going to " LET ME " do anything...  It actually makes the wheels in my head start squealing and it is as if I can hear nothing, see nothing, except for that task that I have been told I was going to be allowed to do...  It is sometimes a character defect and sometimes an asset..  More on the defect side probably....  However, with that being said.... I also believe it is how I have conquered more than my fair share of trials in life. 

 

Having RA, sometimes makes me feel like the disease " let's me " do things and then sometimes it prohibits me from doing things.  Things that I used to not have to ask for help with.  Example:  Opening a bottle of water.  Most days I can accomplish this...  Then there are the days that I can not.  I struggle with those days and will almost do without than have to ask for help..  Silly I know...  I am determined that the disease will never dictate my life to me...  Stress is a huge trigger in flares from RA...  I try and eliminate as much stress from my life as possible.  That is damn near impossible.  I try and I do believe in simplicity... As long as it's MY way... ha ha ha ha  ( some of you are not laughing right now because you know that side of me ) ;)

 

 

We have had quite the year...  I am not bitter, this year has been rough... I am grateful for the family and friends that have rallied around us and been our cheerleaders and support.  We have made it and there were days that I was not so sure about.  This is where that bull headed-ness shows up and helps !!!  We have learned so much about our selves individually and as a family in the last year.  We have experienced a lot of really painful days where we held each other and barely survived and we have discovered that we are OK and had really good days and discovered we are Happy... We smile and laugh and know that we have to.  I will not sit here and waller and wonder why I am unhappy.  I have to make the choice to " get up, show up, and live " It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Grief will wipe you out in one swift movement if you are not careful.  It will take away your will to live, love and be loved.  For me, that almost happened.  For my widow sisters and brothers, it all sucks... It sucks bad... But we have the responsibility to continue on in life and live it !!! Our loves would tell us this I believe whole heartedly...

 

.

 

The kids really enjoyed the Holiday...  We have had a very Merry Christmas...  Lots of smiles and giggles and a house full of idle chatter and squeals and good food...  It was Awesome !!!  We have a new addition to our little family too.  He is tiny and cute as all get out...  His name is Trigger.  He is falling in love with us I am sure.  I know we are all falling in love with him and even Max is tolerating him too...  Reminds me of the days when we had to get up all hours of the night and feed and change diapers.. Except we have to walk outside in the middle of the night and take Trigger to go  "potty" I do not mind at all.  Knowing that that little puppy makes the kids smile so much is all worth it... He is super cute !!!

 

We had my dad and Felicia here Christmas Morning, and Josh and the girls that afternoon and the day after Christmas we had my sister, Isaac, and my nieces here and then my Brownie and Hannah came into to town too.  Lots of Festivities going on for several days.  Love Love Love It !!! 

 

 

Here's to the beginning of a new year, right around the corner...  I hope you all have a moment to reflect on the last year and find the positive.  I have the gift of Love and the lessons from this last year to carry with me into the new year.  Lots of awesome memories made, and many, many, many, more to make. THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL...

 

Josh, Thank you for being you.  For loving us unconditionally through the chaos and always being there for us.  It means the world to me and my boys and I hope we are always there for you.  I love your girlie's and I am so looking forward to the journey ahead of us...  Loves ya baby !!!

 

And with that, " its a wrap JACK " See ya 2013 !!!!

 

Live, Laugh and Love !!!

 

Love the one your with, never ever take time for granted, Life is short.

 

MWAH !!!

Michelle and the Gang of H's

Widowhood, badasses, and giggles... OH MY !!!

I have struggled with this blog for days now.  Why?  I have no idea...  tons of things going on with the Holidays and the Anniversaries that we have experienced in this last week.  Kid parties at Schools, Psych Appointments, maintaining the house, phone calls to straighten out what the government is supposed to take care of in the first place with Survivor Benefits...  Sitting on hold, promising to be called back...  bwahhhhhhh !!! Like that ever happens...  and REFLECTIONS of the last year.. whew !!! Get all that? 

 

So, I ran across this post about " What makes me a bad ass? "  hmmmmm, well... I guess I never really thought of myself as a " bad ass " but according to this definition. I am claiming it.  I am not going to make this blog about the hell we have endured, but I will say this... Instead of staying in the dark place that I was in, I have found the light.  Some days, a very dim light... I am still working on me, Michelle, the one I can not get away from no matter how hard I try... Wherever I go, there I am.

 

On this journey, I have discovered that people associate widowhood with weakness, that if you have been put in this predicament then you must be meek.  I beg to differ.  I connect with a lot of widows and widowers and one thing I can tell you is that we are the toughest, realistic people you can associate with.  Please stop telling us that your "divorce" is the " same " as our loss.  Really?  Yes your world was shattered, and can not be put back together, yes, it sucks to go through a divorce, but our spouses did not run off with a two bit whore, or gamble away our savings, or beat us.  They died.  Very different.  Two very opposite ends of the spectrum.  The similarities in starting over and learning to cope as single parents etc is somewhat the same.... I am no weak.  If you think I am, challenge me.  I can explain things to you that I have experienced in this journey that will make your skin crawl... 

There are people that I have put distance between us because I could not take the fact that to see me fail made them smile.  It takes a lot to shake me to the core of affecting my soul.  It has happened and I can guarantee you it will never ever happen again.  I believe in being KIND.  I believe in LOVE.  I believe that one day they will recognize what they have done and I hope it's not too late.... this blog was just to get some things off my mind.  It's simply that.  It's not a rant, may seem that way, it is not.  The blog is for me to journal my feelings and the going on's in our lives and have a collective way to go back and read them and see the growth or see what needs to be worked on.  It's a great tool in healing...

 

We have lots of positive changes going on in our lives.  We have been in search of that " new normal " for quite some time and I believe we are mastering it.  It's been a slow process.  We are discovering our new town that we live in and enjoying the country and the company that we keep.  My boys are discovering that we are OK.  We are remembering the happy memories and can laugh today more than we cry.  Spending more time with Josh and the kids is quite an adventure and I love it.  I truly believe that Jeff continues to guide us.  He lives in our hearts and has brought someone into my life that is absolutely amazing.  He is patient and kind.  He makes me smile and we hope to continue on this path of making new memories having a blast doing it. 

 

Love the one your with, say what you feel, always say I love you !!!

 

From us in the boonies to you all !!!

More will be revealed.

 

Michelle and the Gang of H's

 



Happy Birthday Noland...

Happy Birthday Noland...

December 10th, 2004

 

 

Not flesh of my flesh.
Not bone of my bone.

 But still miraculously my own.
And never forget for a minute.
You were not born under my heart.
You were born in my heart.
Unknown

 

 

I try and write on each one of my children's Birthday's....  My hope is that when they are older they can always have my thoughts to reflect back on.  Noland was born in Amarillo Tx and was placed in my custody when he was 5 weeks old.  He was a sick little guy and actually spent his first 9 days with us in the NICU being treated for Reflux...  It was so sad...  It was scary too...  The fact that he was sick was scary but the even scarier part was that we had been given this amazing gift of Noland. 

 

We fell in love with him the instant we laid eyes on him and knew that we had to fight for him too...  See, we were already in a fight to keep Nick safe and had hopes to adopt him. This was like the cherry on top.  Brother's together...

 

I feel so fortunate to have him and I am grateful every day even the days when he challenges me, which lately have been pretty regular.  This last year has been incredibly difficult and learning all of our new normal's has been trying for us all. 

 

 

I love his creativity and he is developing a love for music and I think he could be talented in that area.  He has always loved trucks and big heavy equipment and absolutely adores the motorcycle.. 

 

He misses his daddy but knows that he lives in his heart and always is watching over him and protecting him and if he will be still he can have the gift of his daddy guiding him in life. 

 

Today we celebrate Noland's birth and I also celebrate his birth mom. Without her, he would no exist... He is not of my flesh, but I labored for him in my heart and fought for him as I would a child that I had carried myself. 

 

 

This is one of Noland's favorite pictures...  It's not the best pic but he and his daddy were two peas in a pod with riding and going everywhere together.  Those who knew Jeff know why.  Everything and everywhere was an adventure.  Never mattered where it was or what they were doing... So, when I mentioned to him I needed to blog for his birthday.  He reminded me to put this picture in here.  So here ya go !!!

 

 

This was the last Birthday that Noland celebrated with his daddy here in the physical world.  He will be here with him this year, it will just be spiritually...  He never leaves us ; this I know... He loved us too much... 

 

So, Noland- I love you to the moon and back again Infinity !!!  I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY !!!  I am also so glad you were born and I have been given the gift of being your Mommy !!!  We have a special dinner to celebrate with tonight...  Good times and Good memories...

 

Hugs and Love

 

the Harrisons - aka The gang of H's

 

 



Family, Friends and Lots of LOVE !!!

 

 

Thanksgiving this year was exciting and apprehensive.  It's approach brought with it some expected feelings, however, we made it... Not only did we make it, but we did it smiling, surrounded by family and friends and some amazing food....  Yummy... Knowing Jeff was watching over us and he was smiling too...  We miss you terribly but will continue to LIVE !!!

 

 

We are so grateful for Brownie...  She is amazing.  I love her to pieces.  She truly knows my heart and loves me no matter what.  She shows up and that is all I need... Her journey from Georgia to Florida to spend the Holiday with us was awesome...  I love you Brownie... 

 

My mom and Pops also made the Journey here from Georgia.  It was really exciting for me to share with them our new home and our new hometown... Those hugs mean so much more to me now than they ever did...  They have to LAST till our next visit...  We try not to go too long between visits, but life happens and sometimes you can not control the distance or time. 

 

We also had Gdaddy, my dad and Gmama, Felicia here this year to celebrate with us.  It was so cool to have the house filled with chatter, music and celebration after a long pause of those things happening for us.  I am elated to have been able to have this experience and will treasure this as I have learned to treasure more and more today than  ever...

 

My kiddies were super smiley all day.  My heart smiled all day !!!  What an awesome feeling = want more smiley days... 

 

 

Josh,

I am so grateful to have you in my life.  I say it over and over, You make me smile, you are always there for me and I truly hope that I am there for you when you need me.  So here's to an awesome start to the Holiday Season...  Hoping to make memories and lots and lots of smiles... I love ya !!

 

 

Love the one you are with, enjoy the company you keep and never ever take anyone for granted.  Tell people how you feel...  Have no REGRETS !!!  and LIVE !!! 

 

Mwah.

The Gang of H's

 



Vincit qui se vincit

Thanksgiving Lunch at Mossy Head Elementary 2013... and other random thoughts.

 

November is upon us, So, we ventured out today to have Thanksgiving Lunch with the boys at Mossy Head Elementary and it was a success.  Bittersweet to some extent today. Remembering when daddy used to be here to do these things makes us relive happy memories. 

 

My boys all know how much they were adored by their daddy and we have decided to enter the Holiday Season making some new memories... Not to erase what we have had in the past but to enhance and make new ones. 

 

 

Today at their School.  I am so proud of my boys.  We had a great time !!!

 

 

Justin, you are my world.  You are my rock.  I love you to the moon and back again.  I am so proud of the young man you have become.  I can not wait to see what your future holds and the opportunities that are awaiting you in that great big scary world.  I hope I have prepared you enough to tackle things not only seem impossible but to hit them head on.  You are a good big bru bru... 

 

Vincit qui se vincit = " she who conquers herself "

 

Isn't that half the battle.  Conquering yourself... I am my own worst critic, enemy, friend, lover, co-worker, boss, and room mate...  I have to give myself permission to fail.  Fail I have done, miserably in some areas of my life.  We all have.  Not one of us has simply excelled in all areas and all paths we have traveled.  It is ok...  I am ok... No matter what.  I will conquer myself.  I can not conquer anything else until I do. 

 

Love yourself, if you can not do that, you can not love anything else in the world.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin.. Accept you for you.  I am learning this throughout my journey into finding a new normal. 

 

Hug yourself...  Love and mwah to you all

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, Appendicitis... that's nothing... said no one ever !!!

 

Blog, Blog, Blog.....  I have had some time on my hands for the past couple of days since I had to have my appendix removed via emergency surgery on Monday morning to think.  This is a dangerous space for my head to get in.  I " think " enough for several people...  Those close to me will vouch for this.  I went to the Hospital Sunday evening after hours of Justin and my dad trying to convince me that something was wrong.  I knew it, I just did not want to deal with it.  I had some very important things taking place and did not want to actually face what I knew was about to happen. 

 

I caved and away we went.  My dad stayed here at the house with the kids and Justin rushed me to the ER.  Within an hour of being at the hospital they had me admitted, x rayed, ct scanned, lab work and a surgeon consulted.  There was fear of rupture, which I later learned is pretty serious.  I was just grateful that they  had been able to give me something to help with the pain and it had subsided just a bit so I could breath and carry on a simple conversation.  Did I mention that I was scared to death?  Well, I was... Terrified... I lost a couple of hours here and there from blurred memories, sign this, IV's and waiting on the OR to open up.  In fact, at one point, the Hospital had lost me and was not sure where I was.  Scary thought huh?  Successful removal of the appendix.  YAY !!! Recovering slowly and moving on past this traumatic experience.  I have to say that surrounding yourself with people that truly care about you is important.  I make no reservations when it comes to matters of my friends and family and the people that live in my heart.  I trust them.  Thank Goodness.  I remember laying there in pre op thinking... Jeff would be like " yep, she couldn't just have some stomach pain and then have it scheduled, ooohhh NNNOOOOOO...  she has to come in like a bull in a china shop all EMERGENCY and such to have it removed "  I giggled. 

 

My friend Kristina found me, she had no idea where I was, but it did not stop her.  When I came to she was there.  My dad and Felicia just took control of the boys and made it work.  Justin was cheerleader, and director of the production and made sure that I was taken care of.  My mom and Pops in GA and my family and friends there checked in and did everything they could from where they were to make sure everything was going as planned.  Josh flew in to PCB, got in his car and was there when I woke up, which is what he promised.  I am so fortunate to have people in my life today who are present and ready and willing to step it up when it is time.  I am eternally grateful that you all were there and that it is over...  :)

 

I have slept a good bit, hurt a great deal and am healing... Black and blue and swollen still, but that will go away... I was looking at the bruises today and thinking how horrific they look, but that in order to get to the other side of this appendicitis, it is what the process looks like.  I imagined for a minute that we all look bruised, black and blue at times in our lives, going through processes to get to the other side.  The bruises fade and where there was something ugly, most of the time, there is never ever a hint that something traumatic or ugly existed in the first place.  A clean slate, a new beginning...  My word  Attraversiamo... That is what I believe has been happening in our lives.  The bruises are beginning to fade, the horrific, traumatic experience is in the process of healing.  Does is void that is existed because the eye can not see the black and blue bruise anymore?  HELL NO...  It definitely existed and it was there and it hurt when you touched it, or even got close to it.  Does it mean that its easier to go through the journey of losing a spouse, my children their father ? No, it means it gets different... It means that you remember what that person meant to you, the lessons they left you hear with, the memories that no one can rob you of... No matter if you can see it or not. 

 

 

Ran across this pic this evening going through some photos...  Ready to put my knees in the wind soon...  Have a little work to do to the bike and then it's on... 

 

 

This blog was pretty much about ME...  The good the bad and the ugly parts of me that I reveal to you.  It's actually for ME, for my growth through this journey.  I write, so being able to go back and read blogs is therapeutic and shows me where I am growing and what I need to work on.  Josh is a blessing  in our lives and so far, we both have been there for each other on several occasions that were not so pretty and some true colors have shown...  I Love ya and thank you for stepping up and being there when I know it is not an easy circumstance sometimes.  I am not saying that I agree that I am a horrible patient, I am just saying if that 8 yr old inner self of me shows her butt again, she should get TIME OUT !!!!

 

Much love and hugs !!

Love the one your with... Hug longer always say I love you and never ever hurt people.  Be kind it's really very simple.....

 

The Gang of H's

 

A daddy.....

Lessons learned in life somehow find a way to surface when you least expect them.  The quote above is truly how I feel.  I do not have many friends in my world today.  The ones I do have, I know without a doubt will love me through the good, the ugly and the deepest darkest of my days.  You know who you are and I am forever grateful.  I learned many lessons and will continue to learn those lessons throughout this journey here.  One of the things that I constantly saw Jeff doing was loving without conditions.  He taught me this early in our relationship, he taught this to our children as babies, toddlers and the older ones into their young adult lives before he left this physical world.  I hope that I can continue to teach our kids by example and the way that I treat others.  If I tell you that I love you, you can believe that I have made sure you are in my heart and will forever be in my heart.  It means that no matter what, I will be there, loving you through the good and the ugly...  That I will do what I can to enhance your world and not complicate it. 

Jeff with Brett and Justin...

 

 



Jeff with Nick and Noland

 

 

Having 4 boys to raise has been quite an adventure, but I will tell you this...  The bond between mom and son is amazing, but nothing beats loving from daddy.  Daddy's are always the fun ones, the adventurous ones.  Dads make rainy days inside fun...  My boys truly miss their daddy and the love that they shared was amazing.  I am grateful that my boys all had an individual relationship with daddy...  There was also a good bit of time missed, when you think you have all the time in the world it becomes " less precious "  Unfortunately we have learned that lesson the hard way.  In some ways, I think we have a slight advantage....  We know the importance of time and what it means when it's GONE... POOF...  I cherish moments differently now.  I embrace the little things now.  I hold dear the tough moments as if they were as valuable as the smooth moments...  It's life, it's not how I envisioned it, but we are finding a peace that passes an understanding... Some days still SUCK...  I believe that there will always be days that will be harder than others.  We continue to go forward, we continue to try and live in the light and not the darkness where we resided for a bit.  I want Jeff to be proud of us and I have said it before, but I truly believe he is guiding us through this mess of life. 

 

 



A daddy and his boy.  My heart is smiling....  Make memories and cherish them. This brings me to Josh and his boy... Since we are on the subject of daddy's and their boys.  I hope you guys have tons of fun.  Treasure every minute...  Love you babe !!!

 

Hugs from the Gang of H's 

Hoping for a calmer sea soon.....

 

October has come and gone, typically we would be making our Holiday plans and scheduling the crazy boomerang trip to GA and who is going where and seeing who and for how long and then when will we return and is that going to be ok with the other family members ?  ETC, ETC.  Honestly, the Holiday's are the absolute last thing on my mind...  I know we will have to tackle it and once again I will be squared up full frontal with this bitch we call grief... Awaiting yet another paralyzing moment of emotional hostage taking that absolutely will not bend and wants nothing to do with negotiations of any sorts. 

 

 

We did manage to make it through Halloween... Every year I would be the " driver " and Jeff would hop in and out of the back of the truck and run the kids to several houses and then they would jump back in the bed of the truck looking like they had just robbed somebody smitten with what candy they had swindled  out the houses they had just hit. The boys loved it.  The day was a continuous conversation of remember when Dad did this ?  Remember when dad did that?  They have so many good memories that it reminds me that sometimes it is ok to smile and just rally in the moment of what was, that it is nobody's right to try and steal those moments away.  The thing about a memory is it is yours... Nobody and I mean Nobody can ever steal that from you.  It lives in your heart... I was bound and determined to make this a fun day to make some new memories, not that there was anything wrong with them remembering good, funny Dad moments, but just to create a continuous jog of good memories.  ( That's in my new job description, you know?  The description of what a widow mom is supposed to do... It's in the manual that does not exist. )

 

Justin spent a good deal of time helping put together their costumes and painting faces.. Adding to their accessories.  Ha Ha.. Noland decided that dad needed a balloon sent to him because 1) Dad did not know we had moved, nothing had been sent UP to him... and 2) this way he can spot us and see how we dressed up this year.  So, hands down, the balloon happened.  They were so sweet watching the balloon fade into the sky...

We then went to Downtown DeFuniak Springs and met some new friends and enjoyed the evening Trick or Treating.  We decided to go around the Lakeyard Homes, which is a beautiful area of Victorian Homes to Trick or Treat and got in the back of our new friends truck and basically got drenched.  We had a blast.  The kids laughed and really enjoyed themselves..  Mission Accomplished.

 

 

Nick had been itching to fish since we moved and this was the most pitiful little lake that is normally beautiful so we are told, but he HAD to fish so we went.  There was a park that Noland played on while I sat on the sand and just enjoyed watching them have FUN...

 

We are beginning to find some peace.  I am not sure if it will be short lived, but living simpler and more peacefully here in the woods is just what we needed.  The boys, Nick, Noland and Justin are adapting well and we are settling into a routine.  We miss Jeff wholeheartedly and know he would have loved this place.  I truly believe he has and will continue to guide us.  Our souls were connected on such a level that was sometimes scary.  I like to think that our souls will always be connected even though he is not here.  Yes, parenting without him SUCKS.  Knowing that I could not save him, SUCKS... Trying to be both parents to the little ones is scary as HELL.  I feel him around us and I ask myself over and over if this is what WE would have done together and collectively.  I truly feel like he has placed people in our lives as well.  He knows what we need and he will always be loved, his memories cherished, and truly missed.

 

 

Learning to live and be happy is ok.  We have to go forward, we can not stay in one spot and get anywhere...  I am fortunate to have Josh in our lives.  He helps us to giggle, be silly and it is nice to have somebody in our " corner "... There is no way of telling what the future holds, not a cliche' an absolute truth... I learned that the hard way. There are still some pretty rough days that we encounter and all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and surrender...  Thanks for reminding me that it is ok to just be " Happy Happy Happy !!! "

 

That's a wrap Jack !!!

 

Stick around, more will be revealed...

 

Much love and Hugs from the Gang of H's

 

Are we ENOUGH?

Are we ENOUGH?  In the daily grind of life, are we ever ENOUGH?  I think we are...  Absolutely ENOUGH.... I believe that we are our own worst critic... We walk around with that baseball bat beating ourselves senseless because we have to work long hours, or have commitments that promote helping others.  I have learned that my children know the difference. 

Recently, I was told by an amazing mom how bad she felt because she had worked double shifts to catch up on life that week and had only seen her children while they were sleeping...  She had not felt great about it, but it was something that had to be done.  This is one of those times when we question whether we are Enough !!!  This lady is one fantastic mom !!!  She rocks and she is teaching her children that life is not handed to you, that if you want to achieve something you must work for it. 

 

I have been there, having our businesses before made us work long hours.  I remember coming home and kissing my babies on the head and thinking " man, I hope one day they know why I work so hard and am not here before they go night night "

 

 

Do this every night with an 'I Love you': "Always kiss your children goodnight – even if they're already asleep" – H. Brown, Jr

We had a great visit this weekend with Brownie and Hannah...  They took off from GA and drove in Friday night.  It was so good to get some GA lovin...  We had so much fun exploring Defuniak Springs on Saturday and found this cute little Java Shack and stopped in for a coffee and sat outside and just enjoyed visiting.  I love them to pieces.. 

 

 

I love this saying.  It represents what I have to do...  I fall a lot...  But I always get up...  I will continue to get up no matter what. 

 

Love and Hugs to you all !!1

Michelle and the gang of H's

 

 

 

These are my PEOPLE, this is where I come from...

I flew to GA on Friday and got to see my girlie, Jennifer and her hubby Jon and their son Aaron, I did not get to see my buddy Caleb, he was at School...  Bummer !!!  We had an awesome lunch at Margo's and got to visit and actually spend a few minutes together... I also got to grab some hugs from Ms. Deb...  She is so precious to me and I love her sooo much and her family.  Especially got some good lovin from Lexie...  I miss them so much.  We made tons of memories in those Friday night's under the lights...  Whoo Hoo...GO BEARS !!!! 

 

 

Of course I got to see my mom and we spent some time together too.  Actual girl time.  Toes and Nails and the whole nine yards.  Just me and my mom...  Been a long time since that happened...  and you know that I had to see my sissy and my squishy and mini me.  We had dinner at my sisters and I finally got a kiss from Squishy.  I tried all evening...  I even made her cry by running out of the room with her so she could not see anybody and that did NOT work.  As I was leaving, she waved bye bye and then gave me some love...  Thanks goodness Isaac had his camera ready !!!  Got to work on that.  It dang nearly broke my heart... 

 

That brings me to Lisa's Ride...  Lisa's Ride is a Ride that Jeff and I have done for the last 8 years.  This was the 9th Ride.. This was the first one Jeff was not physically present for.  There was a lot of our brother's and sisters that had so many nice things to say about him.  We remembered his passion for selling raffle tickets.  He would offer to strip if you bought them from him.  He was such a nut.  I miss him...  I got to ride the ride and that was super important.  This Ride is a way to raise funds for Suicide Prevention and funds advocacy for the stigma that surrounds Suicide.  Lisa was a friends of mine's daughter that was affected by depression and unfortunately a victim of suicide.  It is for such a great cause, and I was so honored to be able to participate this year...  To all my brother's and sister's that I have ridden so many miles with and have had the pleasure of loving all these years, know that you all hold a special place in my heart and Jeff adored you all !! 

Me, Diane, and my Mom at the ride.  My mom actually stayed and hung with all the biker folks.  ha ha !!!  We had fun, enjoyed the raffle and auction and just chilled out for the afternoon with good people...  doesn't get much better than that...  thank you mom for being there for me and spending the day with me. 

Me and my bestie Jennifer at the pub in griffin...  We had so much fun, saw some things we can not un-see, even with eye bleach !!!  I LOVE YOU !!!!! 

Me, Kenny and his friend at the ride.  Kenny is the keeper of Jeff's ashes.  They ride in his saddle bag and wherever Kenny goes, Jeff goes...  So, Jeff was with us at the ride... Not in a conventional manner, but in spirit and somewhat a physical matter.....  Good times, and great day !!!  Love you Kenny....

I could not blog without including a sweet pic of me and my mini me, Lola !!!  Love her to pieces.  I don't have to try and get lovin from her.  She freely offers it !!! 

 

 

I have shared this pic a million times, but this is how I see Jeff in the afterlife.  Riding the sky...  The boys always talk about their travels on the bike and how much they miss him.  I just imagine him like this and know he is whole, healed and guiding us through this messy life we have to live here.  I believe he is putting people in my life for a reason and navigating us in the direction that is the best for us.  We had such an amazing time on our journey, ended way to soon.... However, I try to remember that it is simply a pause.  I choose to live life today.... I choose to go forward....  That's what he wanted for us. 

 

Much love and Hugs to you all !!1

 

Michelle and the gang of H's

Attraversiamo... To Jump, To Navigate, Cross Over into a new Journey...

It begins now a new chapter in our ever changing, forever finding this new normal.....  We have crossed over into a new journey... Full of excitement, new beginnings, and lots and lots of new memories....

 

 

 

Jeff passing away left me with a multitude of feelings.  Will I ever have the life I had before?  Will missing him ever lessen at all?  Will I be ok?  How will I do this without him?  Where will the strength come from?  Amazingly you already know the answers to these questions.  The quote I have been pondering is " It gets hard with everybody calling you brave when you've never been so scared in your life." I had cancer and I knew I would kick it's ass.  It did not stand a chance.  I had everything in my corner, support, emotional stability, my cheerleaders and my children...  Today, Bravery seems to be the hardest of all the things I have acquired to actually " get "  if you will.

 

People tell me all the time, meaning no harm, " You are so brave, how do you do this ? "  I have no idea.  Except I am not brave.  I am scared !!!  Fear that has never ever reared its head in my entire life has somehow shown up and stood full frontal daring me to shake it down, while all along the fear I have shakes my inner soul.  So, what do you do?  You take back a couple of steps and decide what part of that fear you will tackle at that moment.  You can not tackle it all at one time.  Pieces at a time, that is the only way to successfully get through that moment. Those of you that know me, know I am always looking for something to " tackle "  so that's what I do...  I ram it !! Take it to the floor, master it, decide I will not succumb to it and I win !!!  

 

Our last picture at the condo.  Bittersweet, Love where we are, but hated to leave such good people that have showed up and helped me over and over again.  I love my LTW misfits.  Did I mention I was named Queen Misfit?  oh yea !!!

 

My boys are loving the bonfires and grilling.  They had their first day at School yesterday and LOVED it !!  Made friends, very positive day... So glad for them !!!

 

Well, it seems Jeff is getting around.  Here is my sweet friend and brother Kenny P.  He went to Key west and brought his wing man with him in his saddle bags... Jeff would have not had that any other way...  Finally got down there after all these years.  I know he was thrilled.  Kenny, thank you.  You know he would not have had that any other way and he's always with you...  Just like here !!! 

 

 

Thank you too, again...  You make me giggle and laugh and just make it ok sometimes when it feels like it's never going to be ok again.  You are there for me a lot.  Hope I can always be there for you too.  Love you much !!!

 

So, from our house in the boonies to yours, love the one you are with.... Life is short, LIVE it...  never ever take anyone for granted and always say I love you !!!

 

Love, Michelle and the Gang of H's

 



Life continues on... Changes happen.... We just learn to roll with it !!!

HOME ..... VERY SOON !!!

Revealing our big news...  We are moving...  Excited.... Scared.... ( to fricken death ) ... Excited... Whoa !!! Lots of feelings... However, hesitation is not one of them.  The boys are ready, beyond ready...  The yard is huge and everyone will have their own bedroom... Yay !!!  Even ME !!!!  Looking forward to hay bales in the driveway with fall decorations and lots and lots of new memories...  It's a good thing...  Some may not agree, who cares...  It's right for us....

Making all the preparations for the move.... Never ever ever have I done this by myself.  Getting Nick and Noland squared away at the new School... Moving the IEP, meeting with the placement resource teachers.  Everybody has been so helpful...  It's a very small school compared to what they have been attending for 3 years, I think that is going to be so beneficial to them and ME...  Hoping I can volunteer more at the School...  Another step forward... Attraversiamo.... ( you know who you are )

Gdaddy and his boys.  Wow !!! My dad and Felicia will be in the same town as us...  Excitement is a brewing...  I have been here with no family for 3 years.  Those who know me, know that FAMILY is the up most important thing to me and my kids.  Lots of good things happening...

I am feeling great, except when it's close to treatment time or the rain comes flooding in for several days in a row... I keep requesting no more than a couple of hours of rain at a time, but the memo must not be getting any attention.  I am so excited for fall, the move and what is in store for us in the future.  Kicking rocks in the yard, dirt roads, bonfires, and chilling on the porch during one of those rains...  

This has been the quote I have pondered on recently.  I usually share with you all something that I am holding dear to my heart.  This is it right now.  I have been judged and continue to be judged by so many because of what I believe and how I choose to live my life and raise my children, that I too have to be careful to not cast judgement on anyone.  If we are different, that's what makes the world go round.  

We continue to go onward and upward, making Jeff proud, knowing he is watching over us and keeping us safe and guiding us when we need it.

My love to you all....

Michelle and the gang of H's

Tangled up in what?

Yep,  That's what is says " All tangled up in my Underwear ".....  It's a southern thing....  Hopefully, for those who are not familiar with that term, ya'll can figure it out...  ha ha ha !!!

This is the term I refer to when I just can not get rid of my anxiety.  I have had quite a bit lately.  Nick and Noland's Medical Insurance has been cancelled...  Have no idea why... Went to get medication refilled and the pharmacy let me know.  Will have to call on Monday... Until then, Nick is not having great days.  Ugghhhh.  The balancing of life and all it's uncertainties is draining some days.  Nick also ran at School.  I am sure it will all level out.  We have a lot going on that is difficult for him to process I believe.

Now for our BIG NEWS... We are moving.  We are staying in Florida...  Absolutely, without a doubt.  That will not change.  We are moving about an hour from Panama City Beach... The area we are moving to is country... quiet, serene, and calm.  The boys will have a yard to play in and ride their bicycles.  They are excited...  The school is great and will have resources available for Nick and I believe it is just time.  The condo has been great, but there is constantly something going on, an event, or it's crowded.  Just time to get back to simpler living and continue to heal...

The Beach will only be about 30 minutes away, but there are other areas with bodies of water, like these beautiful springs we can play in and explore.  Looking forward to the change.  I will not lie; I am scared to death.  I was recently reminded that I am no alone.  I sometimes forget that....  We will be ok.  We will be better than ok.. We will be awesome !!!

Not much to blog on...  Just trying to shake that feeling " all tangled up in my underwear "  Ya'll enjoy each other.  Take time to tell the one you are with that you love them...  Life is short !!! LIVE IT !!!

Love and Hugs,
Michelle and the gang of H's

" All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another" - Anatole France

I have reflected on this poster " You know my name not my STORY " for a couple of weeks.  If you do not know my story, it is a direct reflection of my inability to convey it to you.  It has high points, low points, some places that I do not even want to look at again.  I try very hard to keep positive, be strong, go forward... My story however, had a pause if you will... a ; ( semi colon ) When an author uses a semi colon it is their choice to not end the sentence, but begin a new sentence.  A pause if you will...  My story, has a semi colon.  My wrist bears the mark of a tattoo of a semi colon.  I have hit on this point once in a blog I did a couple of months ago,  but decided this needs to be revisited for me.  

I had an amazing journey with Jeff... He was my rock, he grounded me, loved me unconditionally.  He wanted me to be happy and live.  I am living.  I am going forward.  We as a family are making changes, a lot of changes.  We are beginning to have more happy days than sad ones.  Do we miss Jeff?  Hell yea !!! 

Do not judge what we do, do not think you know what we are going through and learning how to survive.  You don't know !!! Love us from a distance if you can not be near us.  Understand that we can be happy again.  I am honoring Jeff in every way I can.  Raising our children the way he would be proud.  Being there for the older boys.  It is hard to wear both hats, especially when he was so " hands on " with all our kids and the ones that were not ours. 

So, bottom line, if you are in our lives, know we love you...  Your opinion of what we are doing right or wrong is " Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys"  Love that saying...  I do not believe in judging others for what they do in their lives.  We, however, are going to keep doing what we have to in order to get " happy happy happy "  The boys are doing well in School...  Justin is almost " in " at the Volunteer Fire Station and should start the Fire academy very soon...  Brett is doing well in Fort Myers and we miss him bunches.

Justin completed the 110 flights of stairs climbed in memory of 9-11 this past weekend.  I am so proud of him.  He had his heart in it and was training and completed it !!!  He has such a serving heart... Makes a mama proud !!! 

The little guys made tool boxes... I am sure that was a little gift from Jeff in Heaven...  of all the projects to make, it was a tool box...  They had a good time.  !!!

That brings me to this awesome guy...  He has been there for me in so many ways.  When I need to clear my head and just ride, he shows up... No questions asked.  He makes me laugh and he listens to me when I need to scream...  Mostly, he makes me smile !!!  I am so grateful to have him in my life... Love ya !!!

From my family to yours, Hope you all are doing well... We are... We will continue to go forward !! 

Love and Hugs,

Michelle and the Gang of H's