October has come and gone, typically we would be making our Holiday plans and scheduling the crazy boomerang trip to GA and who is going where and seeing who and for how long and then when will we return and is that going to be ok with the other family members ? ETC, ETC. Honestly, the Holiday's are the absolute last thing on my mind... I know we will have to tackle it and once again I will be squared up full frontal with this bitch we call grief... Awaiting yet another paralyzing moment of emotional hostage taking that absolutely will not bend and wants nothing to do with negotiations of any sorts.
We did manage to make it through Halloween... Every year I would be the " driver " and Jeff would hop in and out of the back of the truck and run the kids to several houses and then they would jump back in the bed of the truck looking like they had just robbed somebody smitten with what candy they had swindled out the houses they had just hit. The boys loved it. The day was a continuous conversation of remember when Dad did this ? Remember when dad did that? They have so many good memories that it reminds me that sometimes it is ok to smile and just rally in the moment of what was, that it is nobody's right to try and steal those moments away. The thing about a memory is it is yours... Nobody and I mean Nobody can ever steal that from you. It lives in your heart... I was bound and determined to make this a fun day to make some new memories, not that there was anything wrong with them remembering good, funny Dad moments, but just to create a continuous jog of good memories. ( That's in my new job description, you know? The description of what a widow mom is supposed to do... It's in the manual that does not exist. )
Justin spent a good deal of time helping put together their costumes and painting faces.. Adding to their accessories. Ha Ha.. Noland decided that dad needed a balloon sent to him because 1) Dad did not know we had moved, nothing had been sent UP to him... and 2) this way he can spot us and see how we dressed up this year. So, hands down, the balloon happened. They were so sweet watching the balloon fade into the sky...
We then went to Downtown DeFuniak Springs and met some new friends and enjoyed the evening Trick or Treating. We decided to go around the Lakeyard Homes, which is a beautiful area of Victorian Homes to Trick or Treat and got in the back of our new friends truck and basically got drenched. We had a blast. The kids laughed and really enjoyed themselves.. Mission Accomplished.
Nick had been itching to fish since we moved and this was the most pitiful little lake that is normally beautiful so we are told, but he HAD to fish so we went. There was a park that Noland played on while I sat on the sand and just enjoyed watching them have FUN...
We are beginning to find some peace. I am not sure if it will be short lived, but living simpler and more peacefully here in the woods is just what we needed. The boys, Nick, Noland and Justin are adapting well and we are settling into a routine. We miss Jeff wholeheartedly and know he would have loved this place. I truly believe he has and will continue to guide us. Our souls were connected on such a level that was sometimes scary. I like to think that our souls will always be connected even though he is not here. Yes, parenting without him SUCKS. Knowing that I could not save him, SUCKS... Trying to be both parents to the little ones is scary as HELL. I feel him around us and I ask myself over and over if this is what WE would have done together and collectively. I truly feel like he has placed people in our lives as well. He knows what we need and he will always be loved, his memories cherished, and truly missed.
Learning to live and be happy is ok. We have to go forward, we can not stay in one spot and get anywhere... I am fortunate to have Josh in our lives. He helps us to giggle, be silly and it is nice to have somebody in our " corner "... There is no way of telling what the future holds, not a cliche' an absolute truth... I learned that the hard way. There are still some pretty rough days that we encounter and all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and surrender... Thanks for reminding me that it is ok to just be " Happy Happy Happy !!! "
That's a wrap Jack !!!
Stick around, more will be revealed...
Much love and Hugs from the Gang of H's
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