#walkwithapurpose #iknowmyworth

It has been a minute since I blogged.  Life gets messy and even though this has become one of the most therapeutic avenues for me, I tend to put it on the back burner even when I need to get all the jumbled up mess in my head laid out on paper. 

This one will be a doozy for most of ya;ll... I am going to touch on some rather sensitive issues that I have been dealing with internally.  If you do not want to read something real, intense, and possibly insensitive to some issues; I recommend we say our good byes and you catch the next blog. 

I used to blog what was in my heart, then I started worrying about what others thought of my blog and how it was presented with my feelings fully frontal.  I am in a space where I do not care anymore.  This blog was created for me to channel my feelings and thoughts and it really never has been about anyone reading it.  I took into consideration feelings of those that might read it and think that something pertained to them...  Hey, if you read it and your guilty of it, that is on you.  I am simply laying down my feelings. 

Every day I find inner strength.  I little whisper that says, " you got this "  YOU !!!! Sometimes I hear that little whisper on a loop every 30 seconds.  Sometimes I only need to hear it once.  I do not know where the strength comes from to support what I deal with on a daily basis.  I do not know where the strength has come from to continue living when all I wanted to do was not be in this physical world.  I wanted to be with Jeff.  December 19th, is around the corner.  The day my world changed forever.  The day when I ignored that little whisper for several months and barely existed.  I had to find a reason for every breath for a while.. And then...

I got angry at everything and everyone.  See, I was still trying to exist and everyone else around me was trying to forget that we existed after he left this world.  I got a lot of " well, God needed an angel " Really?  by the way, that is not a comforting thing to say to anyone.  Just FYI.  I got pissed, I found a fire that was burning and it finally wanted to do more than merely survive.  It wanted to LIVE.  That is what Jeff Harrison would have wanted for me and the boys.  To LIVE.  He loved life and he lived it tot he fullest... from sun up to sun down.  It was even hard to find him in a bad mood for any reason.  He followed a spiritual path and helped people and I believe that is how he lived so happily.  He never focused on his own issues, always trying to help others...

The boys... They became my world.  They already were my world but even more so after the loss of their daddy.  We managed to put the pieces together and survived.  We held onto each other in the rough water and when the demons calmed and the water was smooth, we found solace in the fact that we had our memories, we had our " Jeffisms" I continue to celebrate their dad and encourage them to tell their stories and keep his memory alive. 

Justin, the boys are too young to read this, however, I know you will.  I love you to the moon and back again and I am sorry for anything that I have done that created you to have to be the one in  "charge " at times.  I was very selfish and just could not function.  Just know that I did the best I could and I love you so much.  You are the only person who has ever heard my heartbeat from inside. 

Brett, I love you to the moon as well.  Your dad loved you and was so proud of you.  I hate that distance has kept us from seeing each other but always know that I love you...

Life has continued to muddle on.  We have been able to make new memories.  I have learned that not everyone loves the same way you do.  I have learned that not everyone is mindful of hurting your heart.  I have learned hard lessons about love.  I have learned hard lessons about friends... I am not a fair-weather person.  Never have been, never will.  When I make promises to love you, I mean it... Through the good and bad and the messy and the obnoxious, through being broke and rich.  I have learned lessons that I never thought I would ever have to learn.  See, I am who I am all the time.  I am neurotic about certain things, we all are... You are lying if you say you are not.  I do keep some things close to my heart because of fear.  Fear that if I hand you my heart 100% you will choose to use it like a grenade and shatter it.  I did not develop these fears on my own.  The fears are what has been revealed through other's actions.  Some friends, some Family.  

Let's talk about the word HATE.  You can not take words back.  Once you say them, they are irreversible.... I very rarely have ever used the word HATE.  I can not think of one person I hate.  Despise, yes... HATE is a strong word.... I recently had the word used in a situation/ conversation I was having.  The person said that they hated several individuals.  This person has ever right to be upset with the situation, has every right to dislike the people.  The person using the word HATE had been done very wrong and been treated very badly... but I still can not get over the fact that HATE never wins... It has never solved a problem yet... However, I can still hear those words... Hurts my heart... Shatters it !!! 

It is not Nick's fault that he is the way he is.  Fourteen years ago I started fighting for him, to protect him, to be his voice and make sure that he was loved.  He came into this world addicted to everything, brain bleed, weighing under 2 pounds.  I will always protect my children... All of them.

This is what makes me happy happy happy !! Four wheels move the body and two wheels move the soul.  My soul craves the wind on my face, the ability to just feel everything at once.  It is my escape.  RA has taken my ability to just ride when I want to on my own bike... I am working on that though.  Ha Ha Ha... Not much has ever kept me from doing what I want to do.  Stay tuned... 

I believe in always being kind.  I believe in trying to let go of the negative.  I believe in energy and good vibes.  I believe that love and light can be found anywhere if you are willing to be in the light and stay out of the darkness.  I want to be a better me.. a better mother, friend, wife and daughter.  I want to succeed in some of the things I have had on the back burner.  I want to LIVE. 

Then, there is this guy here... Josh, I am so grateful to have you and your kiddies and family in my world.  I know that it gets messy and crazy and I hope that we can begin to imagine growing old together.  I hope you know how much I love you and I want you to be my happily ever after.  

This blog probably was a gut punch for some of you, It is what it is.  My kids will always be my reason for breathing and I will always try and do the next right thing...

Trying to find my Happy again !!! 

Hugs and Love

Love the one you are with, and I am serious.// If you can step out on the one you are with, it's not love... I promise.  If you can say things to the opposite sex that you would say to the one you are with, it's not love... It plants seeds that require building trust... Trust is not given over night.  

Don't hurt each other... Be KIND

Hugs from the Ptak's and the gang of H's

I

Life... Happens while we are busy making plans...

It seems to me that we choose living with regrets instead of letting them go.   I try to stay humble in all my endeavors and kind.   I want to teach my children that if you are kind first, sometimes that is all you have to be.   I have had people challenge me about my way of handling situations and making remarks that i have taught my boys to be "doormats"  i wholeheartedly disagree.   I have been on my earthly journey for quite some time now. I only want to help where i can,  love as deep and passionately as i am able,  make memories and continue to conquer my demons...

I write so that my thoughts have a soft place to land..   Otherwise my words become like weapons,  slicing and plowing through others words as they come at you all while trying to call this a "conversation "  well,  here is what i do...  (i am sharing some secrets with you all...  Be grateful..  Hahaha) 

My way of dealing is to just shut down..  Shut down...  I do what i do  necessary to survive all while smiling and no one else has any idea what is going on in my head..  I typically do not run around without a plan B.   

I have tried to put my self-worth at the forefront of everything. I have gotten lost in the trenches of life. Finding yourself searching to keep everyone and everything balanced,  sometimes, things fall. I have my thirst again for me...  My self-worth.  Have you lost yours?  

I am now conquering my health issues. My body shutting down,  no relief in 7 weeks of bones and joints swelling...  Im so SICK of being this way. I try to be in the now. The positive, but im totally not being honest...  Im sick...  Im holding on !!!

Stay true to you... Never be the heel. That is the worst feeling in the world... Trust if you can...  If its broken,  hope the universe saves you and allows you to trust again...  Love the one your with!!! 

Michelle 

Words, shatter like glass

I was thinking today that it is really hard to know what someone else has experienced in life.  There are certainly similarities or situations that we all encounter through out our journey here on Earth.  My path is one I would not wish upon anyone.  I appear to smile through the daily pain that I experience every minute of every day... 365 days a year.  I appear to be able to Navigate through the puzzle of Autism, Marriage, and blending a family.  It is not easy.  I have always taken people at face value. I have always believed that if you put kindness out into the Universe, You get kindness back.  I am learning that is not the case.  I choose to love people when it is messy and I love them hard.  I learned a hard lesson about loss and how quickly life can change.  In the blink of an eye, everything is different, yet everything has stayed the same.  While you are surfing the wave of life and tumbling around onto the shore as the tide pulls you away, your body in turmoil and your head spinning, it is like trying to figure out how to walk again.  You have to crawl first is what I learned.  I did that.  I got untangled from my underwear and finally the tide went back to the crashing waves out in the Ocean and left me to my own devices and I was able to get a firm grip on what I had to deal with.  I was scared.  I did not want to do life.  I did not want the sun to come up again.

The sun did rise and it set that next day when I had prayed it would not.  It has continued to rise and fall every day since then and I was able to start walking and figuring things out.  I know that my head gets wound up tight a lot and I only have the last 20 years of my life to share experiences from and most days I just feel lost....

This is what I choose to do.  Nothing will change my past and I do not want to erase where I come from.  I deal with things on a level that I hope you never have to experience.  I will always wear my pain in the grandest of gestures that I can acquire... No one can take your pain away, you have to figure out how to deal with it.  You have to learn how to cope...  Cope... that is a key word in survival whether it is emotional, physical, or spiritual.

I have had to love people from a distance.  Some family, some friends... I still love them, but for whatever reason, the intimacy between myself and those people faulted in some way.  I have learned that some people like the idea of loving with no conditions but do not know how.  It is not something we are born with.  I believe learning to love with no conditions requires being loved in that manner at some point in your journey here.  I have to be careful because I tend to allow myself to love so hard that it hurts me... Because I want you to have the same hard, messy love I have for you for me.  

We are not careful with our words.  We say things that we do not mean, and we respond with knee jerk reactions of our emotions.  I remember a time where it did not matter if you said something ugly to me or reacted to me negatively, I just let it roll off my back.  I used to say I was " comfortably numb "  Those were the days... I wish I could be that way again... 

Hopefully this blog finds you in a great space and ready for a new season that is upon us, once the heat finishes melting all of us... Take care of you and yours...

My goal is to love beyond measure... Even if it hurts...

From us to you.. Be kind... Love the one you are with...

Michelle 

When your lost... What do YOU do ??

I find that when we are lost,  we still hold onto things that make us comfortable.  Sometimes, i think it can be as simple as a familiar food or a familiar face..   A connection to a song...  I know when i am lost,  i tend to search frantically those things that make me feel better. 

I know that writing is a release for me.  It helps to put it on paper. 

"pen and paper don't lie "-Jeff Harrison

Most days i move right along and enjoy the memories of the past.   I have separated my life into two compartments...  Before Jeff passed away and after Jeff passed away. 

The days that followed Jeffs death are blurry...  I did not know who i was.   I thought i was doing ok. Chances are I was not...  I can not remember a time in my life where i felt so lost. I am lost now. I can not find my way. I can not figure out who i am. 

I know that i  am hurting emotionally. I am watching so many things spiral out of control. I run in circles trying to be the best me i can be. Trying to be  Wife,  a mother,  a maid,  a caregiver and i just cant do it...  I cant. 

I get tired of people telling me that they didnt hurt me. That's not their call...  I know my heart and it is shattered for so many reasons... 

I miss my people. The ones who hold me up when i am falling.  I got to see my sister for a few minutes and it was good for my soul.   I miss her and my squishy and my mini me.   I miss my mom. 

I feel like a tumbleweed lately...  Not grounded...  Fearful of my future,  uncertain about life in general. 

Nick is struggling again..  He is becoming aggressive and acting manic.   Send him some good vibes.    I am a mom 1st and i will always fight for my kids.   I promised them i would never abandon them and i love them unconditionally.   Right now,  life is just hard. 

Sorry this was not a very happy post. It is honest and raw

Hello.... test 1..2..Is this thing On ?

We ponder through life with the ability knowing when the stove is hot we stop touching it.   Our hearts are another story.   We have our hearts broken by people we love  co workers,  kids,  and friends...  Exactly hOw many times do you touch a hot stove before you are DONE. ??? I think we want to give more chances to those we love because we are all souls...  I spend a lot of time reflecting on how i treat people and if i am ever somebody's "hot stove "  i never want to be that to anyone,  especially someone i love. 

I also am learning that how i treat others is most likely not the way i will be treated in return.  I like to think that expectations of how i do something or interpret something is how others will too.   This is very much not the case. 

I have had so much chaos in the last 3 years that i have allowed the chaos to dictate my soul and how i respond to situations. I have lost site of the fact that life is short and none of us are promised tomorrow. 

My treatment was manufactured defective...  So it failed.   I have wanted to meet my demons half way and co sign coping behavior that is not healthy just to feel something different. I have been desperate in my attempt to reason with my demons and just this one time make it ok.   It ia not okay.   I am learning that even i have limits that are in that grey area so to speak...  Where i justify my actions. 

I go toe to toe daily with more than most people deal with in a month. It is part of my journey here.  I believe in loving as hard as I can, living life to the fullest every day, and remembering to feed my soul when needed.

  I think we generally get caught up in our own "pool" so to speak.  I love the water and love swimming.  I feel the best when I am surrounded by water.  However, in my head I spend a lot of time treading water, trying to figure things out,  Making sure everyone's feelings are accounted for. Usually, mine are the last feelings considered.  

I have been struggling lately because my treatment failed, it has been 2 weeks since my treatment and I knew right off the bat that something was wrong. I tried to wait it out and and hope it would Kick in.. Never did.   I had to literally beg Jansen pharmacy to replace it... 

I understand it is very expensive and they want to make sure it is legitimate but it was hell for a week waiting on it and going through the process of having it replaced.  I picked it up yesterday and had the injection last night.  I feel a bit better, just going through the side effects and hoping it sticks this time.  If not, I am at the end of my rope.  There are zero treatments left for me... I will not go back to the way I was.  I will NOt.... I would find some way to have relief.. So, i am not sure if going through these trials here on our earthly journey are supposed to make me stronger or kill me.  So far, I have avoided death... I will continue to fight... RA will not WIN... I will try to always remember how much I love to SWIM...

I am broken, ask anyone that knows me... You are too... We are all a little broken, but it's ok because if we never break, we can not appreciate the devine art our cracks make once we begin to heal... It makes us unique in so many ways.  I am glad I am broken.  I find solace in broken people... I love old and broken furniture, I enjoy creating something new and allowing the broken parts to take center stage.  

In the grand scheme of things, we are supposed to love each other and be kind.  If we can do that, we can create the most amazing positive energy for each other.

Spend your time doing what you love, love what you are doing... surround yourself with people who love you and always be there for each other.

Love the one you are with, 

From our world to yours, Love always the Ptaks and the gang of H's

It aint your mama' blog

The last couple of weeks have been,  how should i put it?, hell!!!

My dads divorce finalized...  Wow,  amazing what you are awarded through the court when you lie and choose not to work and create hardship to another soul.

To say that my dad was screwed over is an understatement.

We have been moving forward as best we can. The truly saddest thing i have witnessed is watching my dad grieve over his time while married and feeling as if he failed.

I spend a lot of time with him and he has Barlow,  but he had another dog and he got permission to have her at his apartment and instead his now ex wife put her to sleep...  My boys were devastated. They have loved Katie since she was  Pup...  She was about 8 yrs old....  So the boys have loved her most of their life...  I just do not understand how someone becomes so cruel.   I am not writing this in hopes that she sees it and gets upset. I am writing because it helps me to process thoughts...



I am glad daddy has Barlow. He is the sweetest big burly dog ever.

So...  We made the move to Lynn Haven. Its nice to be close to everything and dad but because of the financial mess Dad ex wife left him in it put us all in a bind...  I was not able to follow through on some issues i was going to resolve. It will happen,, just a little later than i had figured. I hope my Friendship stays in tact with the very special people i am referencing. I love them to the moon.


Onward and upward from here on out...

We are learning to be happy again.   Fountain was a gift to begin with. One i could never repay,  but in the end it almost killed us.

 It took our happy away. It was 1000 miles a week on 2 vehicles, it was hard to get to the kids and it almost claimed our marriage.  I am not putting out our dirty laundry,  just telling the truth. We wanted to make it forever but circumstances changed and dad has had to come and live with us...

We are finally settled down and have dad all situated and he is making this home...  Barlow loves the yard and is getting used to all of us. It is really hard not to lose myself amidst the chaos and the being needed by so many.

We are doing ok..  Getting better by the week...  Keep sending light and love. We need it...

Patty Cake, Patty Cake, BAKER ACT....

Writing is a way of releasing what we feel, how we feel it, and for me, it allows me to compartmentalize my feelings and organize what and how I need to react.  

It is no secret to those close to us that we have had some issues this week with our Nicky.  It started somewhat over the weekend.  I noticed him talking super fast, not sleeping, and not eating a whole lot.  Nicky eats... if he does not do anything else, he eats.  I should have been clued in but life is happening all around us and we sometimes lose sight of what is happening right in front of our faces.  Using the expression " Can not see the forest for the trees "

Monday it really kicked in.  He had some behaviors at school... We had a long talk with him.  A report was sent home... Tuesday it was the same thing all over again, just amplified.. These behaviors teetered on Mania.  Confirmed as Mania on Wednesday.  He ran from me into a Hwy.  He ran from me at the Psychiatrist Office.  I did not know where to go, so I went to the only safe place I could think of going.  His therapist.  He witnessed him beating his head, crawling on the floor, it has been so hard to watch my child decline in such a manner that resembled a rabid animal.  I loved on him, I begged him to stop his behavior because at some point I have no way to protect him from the laws that explain that he is a danger to himself.  I need to keep him from hurting himself.  

I was in a room full of people who care for him and myself.  We are not strangers... So, Wednesday I begged his psych dr to please let me take him home with the hopes of rearranging his meds would be the key.  I promised to have Nick at the office this morning at 7:30 a.m.  

We arrived at the office and Nick took off.  I got him back into the therapy center and he ran 2 more times.  Once we went back to see the Dr.  he already had the paperwork done for Nick to be Baker Acted.  ( Basically, involuntary admission to a mental facility )  

Nick was taken by a Sheriffs patrol car in the back seat to the Mental Health Hospital.  I met the sheriff there.  We began the intake process.  One of the hardest things I have had to do with Nick.  He had no idea at that point that he was going to be staying without me.  Once that was revealed to him he began to cry and cry and cry... I held him and promised him this was to help him.  We endured 4 hours of this turmoil and emotion.  

Then the psychiatric visit to evaluate began.  We were told at that point that they could not take Nick as a patient because of him having Autism.  They could not care for him. They resented the Baker Act and sent me back to our Psych Dr.  

I was told the Medical Director, the psychiatrist and others were going to staff Nick's case in the a.m So we shall see.  As of right now, we are making the med adjustments and encouraging Nicky with positive rewards for positive behavior.  

This has been a very long week.  I have not felt Strong, I have felt defeated.  I have felt like I am carrying so much on my shoulders that I can not eat, sleep or function.  However, I keep getting up and continuing the fight... My boxing gloves go on just after my lip gloss. Sometimes I do not think I am the right person to fight, then I put down my toothpick and pick up my sword.  

I know we have lots of support... I am eternally grateful for my hubby and my little heartbeats that help us steer through the rough waters... Once we get to the other side, and we ALWAYS get to the other side it is smooth sailing and a lot of grateful hearts.  Please keep us in your thoughts as we navigate through these rough waters... From our Family to yours... Always be kind... Love the one your with and always say I LOVE YOU !!

The gang of H"s and the Ptaks... MWAH