#walkwithapurpose #iknowmyworth

It has been a minute since I blogged.  Life gets messy and even though this has become one of the most therapeutic avenues for me, I tend to put it on the back burner even when I need to get all the jumbled up mess in my head laid out on paper. 

This one will be a doozy for most of ya;ll... I am going to touch on some rather sensitive issues that I have been dealing with internally.  If you do not want to read something real, intense, and possibly insensitive to some issues; I recommend we say our good byes and you catch the next blog. 

I used to blog what was in my heart, then I started worrying about what others thought of my blog and how it was presented with my feelings fully frontal.  I am in a space where I do not care anymore.  This blog was created for me to channel my feelings and thoughts and it really never has been about anyone reading it.  I took into consideration feelings of those that might read it and think that something pertained to them...  Hey, if you read it and your guilty of it, that is on you.  I am simply laying down my feelings. 

Every day I find inner strength.  I little whisper that says, " you got this "  YOU !!!! Sometimes I hear that little whisper on a loop every 30 seconds.  Sometimes I only need to hear it once.  I do not know where the strength comes from to support what I deal with on a daily basis.  I do not know where the strength has come from to continue living when all I wanted to do was not be in this physical world.  I wanted to be with Jeff.  December 19th, is around the corner.  The day my world changed forever.  The day when I ignored that little whisper for several months and barely existed.  I had to find a reason for every breath for a while.. And then...

I got angry at everything and everyone.  See, I was still trying to exist and everyone else around me was trying to forget that we existed after he left this world.  I got a lot of " well, God needed an angel " Really?  by the way, that is not a comforting thing to say to anyone.  Just FYI.  I got pissed, I found a fire that was burning and it finally wanted to do more than merely survive.  It wanted to LIVE.  That is what Jeff Harrison would have wanted for me and the boys.  To LIVE.  He loved life and he lived it tot he fullest... from sun up to sun down.  It was even hard to find him in a bad mood for any reason.  He followed a spiritual path and helped people and I believe that is how he lived so happily.  He never focused on his own issues, always trying to help others...

The boys... They became my world.  They already were my world but even more so after the loss of their daddy.  We managed to put the pieces together and survived.  We held onto each other in the rough water and when the demons calmed and the water was smooth, we found solace in the fact that we had our memories, we had our " Jeffisms" I continue to celebrate their dad and encourage them to tell their stories and keep his memory alive. 

Justin, the boys are too young to read this, however, I know you will.  I love you to the moon and back again and I am sorry for anything that I have done that created you to have to be the one in  "charge " at times.  I was very selfish and just could not function.  Just know that I did the best I could and I love you so much.  You are the only person who has ever heard my heartbeat from inside. 

Brett, I love you to the moon as well.  Your dad loved you and was so proud of you.  I hate that distance has kept us from seeing each other but always know that I love you...

Life has continued to muddle on.  We have been able to make new memories.  I have learned that not everyone loves the same way you do.  I have learned that not everyone is mindful of hurting your heart.  I have learned hard lessons about love.  I have learned hard lessons about friends... I am not a fair-weather person.  Never have been, never will.  When I make promises to love you, I mean it... Through the good and bad and the messy and the obnoxious, through being broke and rich.  I have learned lessons that I never thought I would ever have to learn.  See, I am who I am all the time.  I am neurotic about certain things, we all are... You are lying if you say you are not.  I do keep some things close to my heart because of fear.  Fear that if I hand you my heart 100% you will choose to use it like a grenade and shatter it.  I did not develop these fears on my own.  The fears are what has been revealed through other's actions.  Some friends, some Family.  

Let's talk about the word HATE.  You can not take words back.  Once you say them, they are irreversible.... I very rarely have ever used the word HATE.  I can not think of one person I hate.  Despise, yes... HATE is a strong word.... I recently had the word used in a situation/ conversation I was having.  The person said that they hated several individuals.  This person has ever right to be upset with the situation, has every right to dislike the people.  The person using the word HATE had been done very wrong and been treated very badly... but I still can not get over the fact that HATE never wins... It has never solved a problem yet... However, I can still hear those words... Hurts my heart... Shatters it !!! 

It is not Nick's fault that he is the way he is.  Fourteen years ago I started fighting for him, to protect him, to be his voice and make sure that he was loved.  He came into this world addicted to everything, brain bleed, weighing under 2 pounds.  I will always protect my children... All of them.

This is what makes me happy happy happy !! Four wheels move the body and two wheels move the soul.  My soul craves the wind on my face, the ability to just feel everything at once.  It is my escape.  RA has taken my ability to just ride when I want to on my own bike... I am working on that though.  Ha Ha Ha... Not much has ever kept me from doing what I want to do.  Stay tuned... 

I believe in always being kind.  I believe in trying to let go of the negative.  I believe in energy and good vibes.  I believe that love and light can be found anywhere if you are willing to be in the light and stay out of the darkness.  I want to be a better me.. a better mother, friend, wife and daughter.  I want to succeed in some of the things I have had on the back burner.  I want to LIVE. 

Then, there is this guy here... Josh, I am so grateful to have you and your kiddies and family in my world.  I know that it gets messy and crazy and I hope that we can begin to imagine growing old together.  I hope you know how much I love you and I want you to be my happily ever after.  

This blog probably was a gut punch for some of you, It is what it is.  My kids will always be my reason for breathing and I will always try and do the next right thing...

Trying to find my Happy again !!! 

Hugs and Love

Love the one you are with, and I am serious.// If you can step out on the one you are with, it's not love... I promise.  If you can say things to the opposite sex that you would say to the one you are with, it's not love... It plants seeds that require building trust... Trust is not given over night.  

Don't hurt each other... Be KIND

Hugs from the Ptak's and the gang of H's

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