Today has been a good day... Actually, yesterday wasn't so bad either.  I took the kids half way to GA to meet one of my bestest friends in the world and she took them to GA the rest of the way.  Awesome people I have in my life today.  We met at Wendy's and the kids ate and we got to visit for a bit and then Justin and I headed home and she went the opposite direction.  I love you Jennifer !!! You rock. 

 

Of course this is such a cheesy pic of us, but oh well.  I got some good hugs and that is all that matters.  Got home pretty late and actually got to sleep in today!!!  I really needed this break.  Went and cleaned the condo and got ready for our Resident Dinner here at the condo.. We had a blast sitting on the deck, getting to know everybody that showed up who lives here, dancing, listening to the music and hanging out with our favorite bartender Dan the Man...  Played some pool and had a really great evening. 

 

 

After the dinner started, we all stayed till around 11 and just hung out.  I even planked for everybody...

 

 

I will neither confirm or deny that I had anything to drink at this point in the evening. 

 

So, today was a great day !!!  Confused about some things going on in my life and directions that I am headed, but what's new, right?  I guess this is the part where you just hold on and hope and pray that the navigational part of your soul takes over and allows you to just feel in the right direction. 

 

That is all I have to offer today.  No rants, No tears, Just fun !!!

 

Love and hugs to you all !!1

Peace, Love and ( shoes, I knew I forgot something )

 

Michelle and the Gang of H's

 

 

How you doing ?  Alright I guess....  typical response...  Is it ok to just say we are alright when in fact we are not ok?  Can the people in our lives handle it if we are just bitterly honest and said " No, I am not ok today...  " 

 

We all become so complacent to just wanting to be ok, that I think we answer that question and hope at some point that we are in fact ok...

 

The changes that we are facing as a family are scary as hell.  We are ok, most days... This last couple of days have NOT been ok.  We have felt like the " willies " were going to GET us. 

 

Change is scary.  Our world has been in a constant state of change for a bit now.  Will we get through it ?  You betcha...  We will not be defeated.  I looked up the definition of change and found it interesting that it states that change is " making or becoming different ".  Point taken ...  We are becoming different.  Is that bad?  Depends on how you look at it.  Given the circumstances that are we are being forced to change, creates the answer yes.  However, if you look at it like this, which is how I choose to see it: We have no choice... change is happening. We will embrace it, and go forward.  The ability to make the changes prove we are successful in this endeavor.

change  

/CHānj/

Verb Make or become different: "a proposal to change the law"; "beginning to change from green to gold".

Noun The act or instance of making or becoming different I believe that we are moving forward.  Some days are harder than others and some days I would rather not even exist.  Not an option.  This blog is giving me the ability to put my thoughts out there for me to keep them organized and for me to share with you all what we are experiencing and in hopes that you all have a greater understanding of what our lives are shaping into.    This is how I feel a lot of the time.  I did not sign up to be a single parent and would rather just go face down on the floor than deal with the million issues I have to deal with on a daily basis.  The funny part of this is that this picture came about because I thought I could do a push up.  I did one, my bones had another idea, and that was to absolutely refuse to do anything relative to a push up.  Will be working on that.  You all know that once I am told I can't do something, it's exactly what you will find me doing.  LOL...  But I thought the picture was a great photogenic idea of what I feel like a lot of the time.  The difference is that I choose to get up and truck on.    It's getting close to treatment time once again.  UGGHHHHHH  hate it.  Grateful I have the drug to help me participate in life, hate that it removes me from what I love to do for a couple of days.  That's a whole different blog, one that by now you all know will be creeping up and thrown out there for your reading enjoyment.    Enjoy whatever you do, embrace change, hug your family and never ever take anything or anyone for granted.  You never know when they will not be here for you to love on, hold and treasure.    Love, Hugs and Sandy Toes.   Michelle and the Gang of H's

 

 



What a zoo CREW ??????  !!!! Fun Times.....

 

Woke up this morning remembering some really fun times.  Lots of Rides, Fellowshipping, Cook Outs, Camping trips, Vacations, BACA Rodeo's, Friends, Family and just good memories.  I can not tell you when the last time I actually woke up having happy feelings.  Not sure where these came from, it seems as though they have been vaulted with some secret encrypted code that I have not been able to decode for some time now.  Some of you may not recognize Jeff in this picture, he's the big dude in the very back.  The dude center in the picture right behind Helen is our buddy, brother and friend Jeff too.  Jeff and Jeff are both in Heaven, tearing it up I am sure.  Riding the sky and watching over us all.  We had so much fun.  It saddens me to type the word " had " fun.  I am determined to " have " fun...  I know that is what he would want for us.  So, we shall seek FUN...  Can any of ya'll remember Jeff not having FUN, no matter what he was doing...  ?  I can't. !!!

 

 

 

I truly believe that you have to be present in mind, body and spirit to accomplish anything in life.  I have tried through this process to just be present in mind and body.  Spiritually being present means allowing things to affect me in a manner I have no control over.  I have to change that.  I am allowing myself to spiritually feel.  I think this is part of this process that I will gain the most insight from.  I learn so much from my widda sisters and brothers about healing and moving through the grief and allowing things to just happen in the manner they are supposed to but we are all so hell bent on controlling everything in our lives that sometimes the need to control the circumstance outweighs the ability to just let it be.  I still want him to come walking through that door at the top of his lungs singing " I DON"T NEED< A WHOLE LOTS OF MONEY..."  and the kids always sang back to him, " I don't need a big fine car ".... Then he would hug me and sing " I got everything that a man could want, I got more than I could ask for " and that is truly how he felt.  I know he loved me with his whole heart, mind, body and soul.  He adored me and loved me when I was ugly, sick and sometimes hard to live with... ( those were rare, no really they were..... ok, no really... !!! ) I loved him back just the same.  I miss him terribly and hear him in the wind, feel him around me at the Beach and see what we instilled in our kids because of him...

 

 

This is where you would always find Jeff and the boys... Everyday almost, even in the rain.  So, the other day we were headed to the Bay for the boys to play and Noland said, " I think I feel daddy smiling today "  I said " why?" He said " Cause you are smiling today mommy... "  So, yes I smiled !!! It felt good and I plan on smiling more and more !!! 

 

Love and Hugs to you All.

 

Love , Michelle and the Gang of H's

 



Is it truly possibly to determine what you are filled with?  I think we all hold attainable goals in life and we spend so much time trying to get to those " said " goals that we eventually lose sight of what is actually going on around us and possibly right in front of our very eyes. 

Feeling something, experiencing emotions on a level never experienced will have you challenging your very existence.  I did.  I challenged why I was even breathing, I challenged when I laughed, cried, got mad. 

So the question remains, are you filled, with monsters, love or chaos?  I believe we choose.  The days I am having that are bad, I believe I have allowed the monsters to rule my world.  The days I am having that are filled with love are truly good days that I am allowing to take place.  The days that I am having that are filled with chaos are the days that I allow the chaos to rule.  I have to choose.  I have to choose to be in a better place, to go forward, to bust through the road blocks in life that will try and hold me back.  I say it over and over again.  I suit up, and show up EVERY DAY. 

I think it's time that I share with everyone that is reading this blog and following my journey what really took place in my life in January.  I was in a very dark place.  I made the decision that I did not want to be here anymore.  Fortunately, I had the tools to make some phone calls and allow others to save my ass in the middle of the night.  I began counseling and am making strides.  It was selfish and not in my character.  I advocate for such awareness and do not believe that is the way " out " ... I am telling on myself so that those of you who are my cheerleaders and loves in my life can understand some of my behavior then. 

I am not sharing this to get pity or sympathy.  I am sharing this because it is part of my story.  It is part of my journey.  It is what happened to me.  I also share this so that others who have never been down this road of widowhood can understand that not only was I grieving, still healing, and dealing with life on life's terms. I was being judged by people in my life that I thought truly cared about me and would love me through anything.  The people I am referring to are no longer a part of my life.  I made a choice to erase the negativity and LIVE.  Careful with your words and actions.  It does affect others.  I love each of you dearly, and this is one of those posts that is not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is REAL.  It's even ugly sometimes.  Thank you for being in my life. 

Hugs, Love and Sandy Toes.
Michelle and the Gang of H's

" The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are. " - Unknown

 

 

Father's Day came and went, and it was yet another one of those days that we can not stop, it will take us hostage with emotion and we have to figure out how to break free from the chains of sadness, and despair.  This year we had planned to do some fun things in memory of Dad...  We sent messages to Heaven on balloons.. We swam, we made his favorite meal and decided that we would always keep that as our new tradition. 

 

The morning started off a little rocky...  Actually, Saturday started off a little rocky.  I got a call from Brett and he was really missing his dad.  We cried together on the phone and all I can do is let them all know that even though he is not here in the physical world, he is here, in our hearts and watching over us.  We continue to take comfort in that. 

 

Can't stay in this space, so we continue to move forward....With that being said, I am planning us some road trips and some fun things for the summer.  ( If I survive the summer with these two little guys :) )

 

We are trying to stay in a positive space.  The beach helps us accomplish that daily.  It's the best therapy that I have ever found...  Again, I am grateful for the people in my life today, that even when it's ugly they still continue to love us through it.  The best gift I ever could have gotten from Jeff, learning to love people no matter what.

 

We will continue to have firsts through this process to the progress, but as long as at the end of the day we are progressing, we are succeeding. 

 

Hugs, and Love to you all

 

The gang of H's

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me.....

 

April Michelle Redmond

June 13th. 1974

 

8:01 pm

 

 

My Birthday came and it was actually a really good day... I enjoyed some time with the little guys at the pool and a snack at the Cabana Bar...  I got to spend some time with Justin when he got home from School that afternoon and then I got to put my knees in the wind and enjoy riding the bike.  AWESOME...  I am actually pretty simple to please...  I know a lot of you would say I am " high maintenance "  LOL  but I really am not.  Ok, maybe a little.... 


I had some feelings about not having Jeff here to celebrate with me.  I know he was all around me all day.  I could feel his presence and sometimes that is comforting itself... Sometimes, it's not enough.  I am learning that progressing through this process is a difficult one.  It is making me stronger, braver and it continues to make me find my own voice... Learning what is best for me and my kids is also difficult when there is no one to consult about making decisions.  I sometimes feel I will make the wrong decision and screw up the kids..  I do not profess to be a perfect parent, however, I try and make the right decisions that will always affect them in the most positive manner. 

Today, we went to go fishing and when we got there, we discovered that some idiot had stolen the fishing poles.  I was prepared for a complete meltdown from Nick, but he actually handled it pretty well.  My only assumption is that the locked part of the truck did not hinge properly and was actually unlocked.  The thief also took his tackle box.  I am proud that he just grabbed his net and carried on for a bit...  My boys impress me so much every day... 

( Nick with his net at his special place daddy took the boys to fish.  This was today )

 

 

I really had a good time the last two days.  I am blessed with some pretty awesome people in my life that make me feel pretty special.  I also have some amazing family!! I know I am not alone in this journey and although sometimes I wish I could just march through this all by myself, that is not possible and so I thank you all for continuing to be present in my life.  That is the best gift I could ever get from you all.  Love me when I am ugly and disorderly... That is LOVE !

 

Thank you Josh for making sure I got that bike ride on my Birthday !!!

 

Day # 3 Birthday Week.....

 

 

So, it began today... That sinking feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I can feel the feelings begin the creep up and try and take me hostage...  Hostage from my sanity, the sanity I claim right now that is...  I hate these feelings.  I also am acutely aware of just how treasured I was... I was Jeff's everything.  It did not matter what I did, how I did it, or if it got done...  He loved me with his whole, non functioning heart.  I am also aware of how important that was and is to me.  I had a really rough morning.. Who was I going to call and shout to about it?  He's not here anymore... Yes, I can shout at the air, but it's not the same as someone telling you it's ok and that no matter what you are their " some kind of wonderful "...

 

 

I struggle with trying to find my happy place.  I do get up, suit up, and show up every day... But, really ? what choice do I have?  My kids depend on me... Finding a new normal isn't just for me, it's for them too.  I make the choice to go forward.  I have to...

 

Today, I got to hang out with Trisha, she was over doing some business and we don't get to see each other very often.  She lives about an hr from here, but we are both GA girls...  Moved to FL about the same time and have some of the same daily struggles...  Single parenting sucks...  We had a great afternoon... 

 

 

Life takes twists and turns and we get angry at the situation we are in, but somehow at the end of the day, I am ok.  I don't know how...  Yes I have my moments...  Yes, I am having lots of those moments right now...  I will be ok.  My kids will be ok... 

 

 

 



 

Awesome Trip to GA...

 

We had such a great time in GA.  Noland and I traveled on Wednesday, right after School got out.  Nick stayed here with Justin and Grandaddy...  They had several adventures while we were gone.  Nick is just not able to make the trip right now with all the transitions.  He is really having a hard time with change.  We are working on these behavioral modifications and hopeful it will reverse and we can make the trip with Nick next time...

Saw my sister, mini me and squishy, my brother in law and my mom on Wednesday.  Crashed their house before heading out to Griffin the next morning.  We had a yummy veggie dinner and loved seeing them, even if it wasn't long enough... Love them to pieces...

I saw my awesome Dr. M on Thursday and got some clarification on my labs...  We are good !!! Yay !!!  Staying on the same treatment for a bit and will be seeing my awesome Dr. Crayton soon here in PCB and if he agrees, no change in treatment plan.  Hopeful, because I already know how to tackle this beast.  I hate changing treatments, I have to relearn how to survive through them all again.

Crashed Jenn's house on Thursday and Friday night.  We had fun, talking and staying up late...  Seeing the kids and of course that fearful... ooooohhhh pit bull Grace...  she will lick you to death... LOL

While I was gone, Justin had his first clinical on Friday at the ER.  He learned a lot and saw a lot.  I am so proud of him.  He is really found his " thing " in the world I believe.  He so enjoys helping people and his heart is so big...

On Friday, I had the privledge of attending my dear friend April's wedding.  It was a Barn Wedding.  Very awesome...  Decked out in boots and cut off blue jean shorts...  It rocked.  Had a great time seeing my GA folks. 


Saturday, we headed home and got to see my sweet friend Josh and his girlies.  Noland enjoys playing with them so much.  We had homemade chicken pot pie and swam later in the evening.  It was the perfect end to being out of town... 

Sunday, we were going to ride, that did not happen, so we did what anybody does on the Beach when it's a rainy day, we headed out for a drink and good times... 

Ms. Newby's rocks... It was rainy and yucky.  Daddy did ride for a second and the rain just came rolling in with thunder and that was the end of that...

This was fun anyway...  So, we are in the beginning of summer break for the kiddies.  Hope we survive and Yesterday started my Birthday Week...  Yay...

Take care all !!!

Love and Hugs.

Michelle and the Gang

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY GA FOLKS...but I still LOVE Florida !!!!

 

 

 

The beach is amazing and living here is truly a gift.  One that I choose to not take for granted.  When I am sitting on the sand and watching the tide slap the shoreline, I am comforted.  It is where I feel the most alive...  However, there is something comforting in going to GA as well. 

 

 

Since the loss of Jeff, I have made a couple of quick trips back to GA.  One for the memorial, another for some documents, another for Dr.'s appt.  This trip is to see some friends, celebrate a Wedding, also see my Dr. but more importantly, a chance to just breathe a little bit.  I feel like most days I have the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders.  I am really looking forward to kicking back, seeing some old friends, seeing family and having some one on one time with Noland. 

 

My daddy is flying in tomorrow to take care of Nick...I will pick him up from the airport and then get him and Nick settled and off Noland and I will go.  I really wanted to fly but I really need my car to get to so many places while in GA.  It just made sense this time to drive.  Hopefully the drive won't be too much for me and I will survive it by myself. I am positive Noland will keep me company. 

So, we are getting ready to get the car packed and excited.  So, if you feel a disturbance in the force, it's just us crossing the GA line...  Watch out, you never know where I might turn up...

Love and Hugs !!!
 

 



ANGRY WIDOWED CHICK TODAY !!!

BEWARE !!!!

 

 

So, no disclaimer... What you get is what you get today... If you have thin skin and feel like your views of me may be tainted, I suggest you keep moving on...  I am in rare form today... Woke up that way, don't see it changing today, so I am embracing it and putting it all out here for everybody to see.

 

First of all, it's treatment time... SUCKS... I hate it !!! Despise it... It outright pisses me off.  However, without it, I would be beyond pissed off and back in that damn wheel chair and using my "kicked to the curb buddy, Mr. Walker "  So, yes there should be some gratitude in this somewhere, but there is not today.  Just being REAL... I know that I am about to sign up for feeling like crap, losing time being a part of LIFE.. I tend to be more emotional, sensitive, and disconnected when I have treatment.  It's just ME now.  ALL me...  I have to schedule this crap so that I can still get things accomplished.  I am hurting, and I feel like my body has taken me hostage.  I am NOT in control.  I have CONTROL issues, in case you didn't already know this. 

 

I am not easy to live with during this time.  I hate everything.  It's my shit and I have to deal with it.  I am trying, but I am used to having someone to help me through it.  DAMMIT... I don't want to be this person.  This person that is wading through life with no directional compass.  I can't live like that.  I have to know where I am going.  My road map got shredded and the only compass I have is a moral compass and it can't really navigate super great unless certain situations come up, then it works awesome...

 

FOREVER ?  DID you say FOREVER?  Feeling like this?  I make choices every day to get up and go forward... I put on a mask, suit up and show up.  Today, I don't WANT TO... I want to crawl under my bed, not be disturbed, and be still. That won't happen.  The kids have to be taken care of so forth and so on...

 

I don't feel any better.  Maybe in a bit I will after trying to get my pain under control.  For now, TA TA.,, 

 

Oh, and these scooters really tick me off...

 

 

People rent these and act like idiots...  UGHHHHH!!!

 

So, I never promised every post would be positive... And this one definitely is not...