Is it truly possibly to determine what you are filled with?  I think we all hold attainable goals in life and we spend so much time trying to get to those " said " goals that we eventually lose sight of what is actually going on around us and possibly right in front of our very eyes. 

Feeling something, experiencing emotions on a level never experienced will have you challenging your very existence.  I did.  I challenged why I was even breathing, I challenged when I laughed, cried, got mad. 

So the question remains, are you filled, with monsters, love or chaos?  I believe we choose.  The days I am having that are bad, I believe I have allowed the monsters to rule my world.  The days I am having that are filled with love are truly good days that I am allowing to take place.  The days that I am having that are filled with chaos are the days that I allow the chaos to rule.  I have to choose.  I have to choose to be in a better place, to go forward, to bust through the road blocks in life that will try and hold me back.  I say it over and over again.  I suit up, and show up EVERY DAY. 

I think it's time that I share with everyone that is reading this blog and following my journey what really took place in my life in January.  I was in a very dark place.  I made the decision that I did not want to be here anymore.  Fortunately, I had the tools to make some phone calls and allow others to save my ass in the middle of the night.  I began counseling and am making strides.  It was selfish and not in my character.  I advocate for such awareness and do not believe that is the way " out " ... I am telling on myself so that those of you who are my cheerleaders and loves in my life can understand some of my behavior then. 

I am not sharing this to get pity or sympathy.  I am sharing this because it is part of my story.  It is part of my journey.  It is what happened to me.  I also share this so that others who have never been down this road of widowhood can understand that not only was I grieving, still healing, and dealing with life on life's terms. I was being judged by people in my life that I thought truly cared about me and would love me through anything.  The people I am referring to are no longer a part of my life.  I made a choice to erase the negativity and LIVE.  Careful with your words and actions.  It does affect others.  I love each of you dearly, and this is one of those posts that is not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is REAL.  It's even ugly sometimes.  Thank you for being in my life. 

Hugs, Love and Sandy Toes.
Michelle and the Gang of H's