We ponder through life with the ability knowing when the stove is hot we stop touching it. Our hearts are another story. We have our hearts broken by people we love co workers, kids, and friends... Exactly hOw many times do you touch a hot stove before you are DONE. ??? I think we want to give more chances to those we love because we are all souls... I spend a lot of time reflecting on how i treat people and if i am ever somebody's "hot stove " i never want to be that to anyone, especially someone i love.
I also am learning that how i treat others is most likely not the way i will be treated in return. I like to think that expectations of how i do something or interpret something is how others will too. This is very much not the case.
I have had so much chaos in the last 3 years that i have allowed the chaos to dictate my soul and how i respond to situations. I have lost site of the fact that life is short and none of us are promised tomorrow.
My treatment was manufactured defective... So it failed. I have wanted to meet my demons half way and co sign coping behavior that is not healthy just to feel something different. I have been desperate in my attempt to reason with my demons and just this one time make it ok. It ia not okay. I am learning that even i have limits that are in that grey area so to speak... Where i justify my actions.
I go toe to toe daily with more than most people deal with in a month. It is part of my journey here. I believe in loving as hard as I can, living life to the fullest every day, and remembering to feed my soul when needed.
I think we generally get caught up in our own "pool" so to speak. I love the water and love swimming. I feel the best when I am surrounded by water. However, in my head I spend a lot of time treading water, trying to figure things out, Making sure everyone's feelings are accounted for. Usually, mine are the last feelings considered.
I have been struggling lately because my treatment failed, it has been 2 weeks since my treatment and I knew right off the bat that something was wrong. I tried to wait it out and and hope it would Kick in.. Never did. I had to literally beg Jansen pharmacy to replace it...
I understand it is very expensive and they want to make sure it is legitimate but it was hell for a week waiting on it and going through the process of having it replaced. I picked it up yesterday and had the injection last night. I feel a bit better, just going through the side effects and hoping it sticks this time. If not, I am at the end of my rope. There are zero treatments left for me... I will not go back to the way I was. I will NOt.... I would find some way to have relief.. So, i am not sure if going through these trials here on our earthly journey are supposed to make me stronger or kill me. So far, I have avoided death... I will continue to fight... RA will not WIN... I will try to always remember how much I love to SWIM...
I am broken, ask anyone that knows me... You are too... We are all a little broken, but it's ok because if we never break, we can not appreciate the devine art our cracks make once we begin to heal... It makes us unique in so many ways. I am glad I am broken. I find solace in broken people... I love old and broken furniture, I enjoy creating something new and allowing the broken parts to take center stage.
In the grand scheme of things, we are supposed to love each other and be kind. If we can do that, we can create the most amazing positive energy for each other.
Spend your time doing what you love, love what you are doing... surround yourself with people who love you and always be there for each other.
Love the one you are with,
From our world to yours, Love always the Ptaks and the gang of H's
