How do you get away from you?

No matter how hard we try, we can never get away from ourselves.  I know for a fact, I have tried.  I am my worst critic, my abusive lover, my own bat carrier.  I have tried multiple times to get away from ME !!! 


I am unsuccessful every attempt.  I suppose that when we get comfortable in our own " skin " that is when we conquer the ever present demons that live within us.  I feel like most days I wake up, suit up, put on my boxing gloves and go to fight.  More often than not, it is me against the world.  Me against Insurance companies, Me against Doctor's offices, Psychiatrists, Pharmacies, and me against Me.  Am  I enough ? I never feel like I am.  Do I do enough for my kiddies, do I do enough for my husband, my family, my friends.  I have anxiety that resides within me trying to get out, to get out into the world, to face me, to knock me down... I hold it in most of the time, but then it only takes a small issue to make it explode. 

Most of my days are good days.  My health is always an issue, but I am not in the way I was years ago, totally dependent on others for simple care, living in a wheel chair and having to utilize a walker.  I will not go back there.  I know what I have to do for me today.  Yes, it is one of those anxieties that resides in me.... I just have to keep suppressing the anxiety and be stronger than it is. 

Recently, I decided that I would try and obtain help for my anxiety issues.  The first thing that anyone wants to do is throw medication at it.  I tried what they prescribed, I reacted to everything that was suggested... That was a total fail.  I am learning that I have to make some changes, hard changes in my world to simplify my life.  I can no longer handle the negativity that I live in.  I can no longer surround myself with people who will not allow me to grow spiritually, emotionally, and lastly, I can not surround myself with situations that cause great stress that impede my ability to be physically well.  I will not reveal what these changes are, a lot of them are within myself.  I have to do better for me.

I have spent some time lately at the eye Dr.  I have sjorgen's syndrome, a gift from Rheumatoid Arthritis...  I will be on eye drops for the rest of my life.  Not the end of the world, considering what it could have been. 

I have not blogged since June.  There has been so much to really blog about that I got a little overwhelmed.  I am trying to make a commitment to blogging, it helps me sort my emotions and I am the most honest when I am writing.  I am still working on my book, it has been on the hack burner as of late, but that will be changing soon.  I am also working on a support group in Bay County, a safe place for parents, and guardians to come to and share their experiences, resources, and just be with others that are walking down this path.  Autism can be a very isolating feeling.  I feel very alone most days.  I feel like most people want to understand Nick, but just can not.

Life is moving right along.  The new school year is underway and all the kiddies are doing well so far.  I hope to start school too in the Winter Semester.  I also hope to get back to GA for a visit really soon.  I miss my family and friends.  I will leave you with this...

I am removing toxic people from my world.  I will always be kind, however, I will not continue to be a doormat for anyone, or allow them to take up space rent free in my head...

Always say I love you, be kind, Love the one you are with !!

The Ptaks and the gang of H's