Do you color outside the lines?

I believe that most of us grew up hearing " oh no, you need to stay in the lines... It is so much prettier when the picture is done if you stay in the lines. "
Whether you heard it from your Sunday School Teacher or your School Teacher, we heard it...  I think metaphorically, no one has ever really stayed in the " lines "  We all pushed the boundaries, bared down a tad bit harder with that crayon than we needed to and Oops, there it was... we went outside the lines... Then, just for good measure, we did it again.  Or maybe some of us were just not good coloring pupils... We did the best we could, and that was that.

Life is like making choices to stay in the lines... Be everything society tells us we should be.  Men and Women should be a couple, races should never mix, PTO members should not be tattooed and pierced... Stay in the LINES people... Same sex marriage should not be discussed, that is coloring outside the lines... Suicide, oh, do NOT discuss this... this is basically scribbling all over the paper. Mental Health... that is another one we should never discuss...

I say, color outside the lines... it's your paper, do what you want.  I do not understand why one person believes to be better because their damn picture is colored inside the lines.  Maybe my picture is " abstract art " We do not have to listen to society, we do not have to live by society standards.  I see so many hateful acts regarding Race, Sexual preference, judgement... It makes me sad,  My sister has a WIFE and they are happy... They catch a lot of grief and I know my sister has lost friends over her choice.  She is happy.  That is all that matters to me.  I hate that they have to live in a society where people act out on what their opinion is of someone because of who they married.

As for suicide... I will probably hit a nerve here,.... We have to talk about it people.  It has a stigma attached to it and it needs to be heard.  Kids need to know where to go to talk to someone who can help them, but no... shhhhh don't say " suicide " only weak and cowards kill themselves...

My mom almost got that phone call... But I am here and I am happy and have lots and lots to live for and lots and lots of love that surrounds me.  I am grateful to be here. I have a story and I was not cowardly and I was not selfish.  I talk about it and I will never do that again... ever !!!

My cousin, well, he succeeded two nights ago.  We played as kids and lost touch through adulthood, but I hurt for my Aunt and Uncle and what they are going through right now.  It is not our place to Judge.  It is our place to LOVE...

I think that we all have probably gulped pain to keep someone else from feeling it.  It is hard... We
do this out of love... So, it all boils down to this... we are ONE race HUMAN, we all bleed Red, no difference.  If we can all act accordingly, the world would be an amazing place . This is a dream, I know...

I think this is beautifully worded to describe me.  

Monsters in my Mouth...

Our family has gone through a lot this past year.  We will overcome and persevere and always come out on top.  Its the climb that is rough.  I have no doubts.

Love the one your with, Always say I love you, BE KIND

From the Ptaks and the little gang of H's

How do you get away from you?

No matter how hard we try, we can never get away from ourselves.  I know for a fact, I have tried.  I am my worst critic, my abusive lover, my own bat carrier.  I have tried multiple times to get away from ME !!! 


I am unsuccessful every attempt.  I suppose that when we get comfortable in our own " skin " that is when we conquer the ever present demons that live within us.  I feel like most days I wake up, suit up, put on my boxing gloves and go to fight.  More often than not, it is me against the world.  Me against Insurance companies, Me against Doctor's offices, Psychiatrists, Pharmacies, and me against Me.  Am  I enough ? I never feel like I am.  Do I do enough for my kiddies, do I do enough for my husband, my family, my friends.  I have anxiety that resides within me trying to get out, to get out into the world, to face me, to knock me down... I hold it in most of the time, but then it only takes a small issue to make it explode. 

Most of my days are good days.  My health is always an issue, but I am not in the way I was years ago, totally dependent on others for simple care, living in a wheel chair and having to utilize a walker.  I will not go back there.  I know what I have to do for me today.  Yes, it is one of those anxieties that resides in me.... I just have to keep suppressing the anxiety and be stronger than it is. 

Recently, I decided that I would try and obtain help for my anxiety issues.  The first thing that anyone wants to do is throw medication at it.  I tried what they prescribed, I reacted to everything that was suggested... That was a total fail.  I am learning that I have to make some changes, hard changes in my world to simplify my life.  I can no longer handle the negativity that I live in.  I can no longer surround myself with people who will not allow me to grow spiritually, emotionally, and lastly, I can not surround myself with situations that cause great stress that impede my ability to be physically well.  I will not reveal what these changes are, a lot of them are within myself.  I have to do better for me.

I have spent some time lately at the eye Dr.  I have sjorgen's syndrome, a gift from Rheumatoid Arthritis...  I will be on eye drops for the rest of my life.  Not the end of the world, considering what it could have been. 

I have not blogged since June.  There has been so much to really blog about that I got a little overwhelmed.  I am trying to make a commitment to blogging, it helps me sort my emotions and I am the most honest when I am writing.  I am still working on my book, it has been on the hack burner as of late, but that will be changing soon.  I am also working on a support group in Bay County, a safe place for parents, and guardians to come to and share their experiences, resources, and just be with others that are walking down this path.  Autism can be a very isolating feeling.  I feel very alone most days.  I feel like most people want to understand Nick, but just can not.

Life is moving right along.  The new school year is underway and all the kiddies are doing well so far.  I hope to start school too in the Winter Semester.  I also hope to get back to GA for a visit really soon.  I miss my family and friends.  I will leave you with this...

I am removing toxic people from my world.  I will always be kind, however, I will not continue to be a doormat for anyone, or allow them to take up space rent free in my head...

Always say I love you, be kind, Love the one you are with !!

The Ptaks and the gang of H's

Transmissions, seizures, chest pains, and oh yeah... Leukemia

I have been trying to figure out how to blog all of the things that have been happening in our world.  It has been crazy, crazy, crazy... not to mention emotional and physically exhausting.  We have had some pretty heavy stuff going on.  I know most of you know I ended up in a situation where my Tahoe needed a transmission and I ended up having to get a new/used vehicle.  Not exactly what I wanted to do... The Tahoe was paid for and with the expenses we have with Nick's travel and meds it was not the 1st choice, but it is dependable and we are comfortable and grateful to have a " ride "

Here is what you do not know.  The day my transmission went out, I had taken Nicky out of the house for a short trip because we were doing the 72 hr EEG and video EEG and we had been cooped up and needed a little fresh air.  We took a drive to the market and on our way home, it went out.  Here I was with Nick and a million leads with the backpack and the recorder and we were not supposed to be away from the video machine for that long.  It took us forever to limp home,  I had stopped on the side of the road when I got a phone call from Mom and Randy.  He had been seeing his primary Dr. for some abnormal labs.  Nothing too much to worry about, but they felt like he should see an Oncologist, for ruling out any other things that could be going on.  The labs had been ran and the appointment was that day to get the results.

Mom said well Randy does have something.  It's Leukemia.  It is the best kind of Leukemia to have.  People live relatively normal lives with it and he has to be monitored and carefully watched.  The numbers have to stay within the normal/dormant range for him to not have to have any chemotherapy.

B-cell chronic lymphocytic leukemia

B-cell chronic lymphocytic leukemia, also known as chronic lymphoid leukemia, is the most common type of leukemia in adults. CLL affects B cell lymphocytes, which originate in the bone marrow, develop in the lymph nodes, and normally fight infection by producing antibodies.

For those of you who are like me, you " hear " the part where it's the " best " kind of Leukemia to have, but your eyes and your heart are splitting into two and leaking everywhere.  I just wanted to go straight to GA and hug Randy.  He has been my constant cheerleader in every way.  It broke my heart.  I asked a lot of questions and had lots of concerns.  I just could not believe it.  I know, I know.... At least it is the good kind of Leukemia... it was still just really hard to swallow... I think moreso for me than him.  I hung up, not dare telling them that I was stranded on the side of the road and hoped that I would make it home with Nick....

I could feel my frustrations creeping up and the surrender of will wavering in the balance.  I wanted to drive straight to GA.  The yearning to be with my family was almost unbearable to stomach.  I knew it was not possible, I had to get HOME.  

We made it home, I was a hot mess.  I was stressed, scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I started getting Nicky settled and my phone rang again.  This time it was Randy, he said, look, I do not want to alarm you but we are at the ER with your mom.  She began having chest pains and we stopped at the fire department and they said she needed to go to the ER.  We are here, they are running some tests and trying to get her blood pressure down.  I did not know what to say.  My mom has never had blood pressure issues.  

In one hour, my mode of transportation was eliminated, my pops had been diagnosed with Leukemia, and my mom was at the Hospital with chest pains... I wanted to set my hair on fire and run down the street.  I needed to be with them.  I was so worried about them both.  My mom was admitted that evening and once they got her blood pressure regulated, she was released and followed up with a stress test 3 days later.  They cleared her from any blockages and she will need to be monitored by her cardiologist pretty closely... 

This is where Grace finds us... Going through the motions of life and trying to make since of it all.  We are all doing well now and we know that we have each other... 

Sending you lots of love,

Josh, Michelle, and the kiddies...

Blogging has been on the back burner while life keeps trucking on.  I have needed to share what is in my heart but most of the time I can't keep track of what I need and what I want. 

Life has been crazy Crazy crazy here in the Ptak/ Harrison house.I need to figure a way to remove stressors in my life but I have no idea how to do it.  I think it boils down to learning how to cope differently... I don't know. I'm failing at life right now. I'm not positive. I'm not me.  I'm lost in the translation of what is expected of me and what I can actually do. I enjoy simplicity. I despise chaos. I need organization. I can not do Willy nilly by the seat of my pants. I do not live in limbo real well and here lately that seems to be where I stay.    

I love what this excerpt recognizes in love.  It is truly finding the best happiness in those we love I adore my husband and I try every day to make sure his happiness surpasses my own.  I think that finding the pieces of one's own soul is one of the hardest things to accomplish because it forces us to feel.  It untangled feelings that we have made a choice to ignore.  I always want to be here for Josh.  I always want to build him up... Never tear him down.  I Am married to my best friend.. He loves me beyond my ability to love myself. He loves my children and he respects where I come from.  It really is that simple to find the goodness that is connected to you through someone that loves you unconditionally... 

I keep going, even when I do not think I can go another minute.  Some days it is grief, some days it is my illness, some days it is Nick and his behaviors... Some days it is simply blending our families.  Bottom line is I keep going... I do not want to adult sometimes.  My dad had his strokes in October and as a family, the stress has been immensely intolerable at times.  I am so grateful to have my daddy here and he is doing pretty well most of the time.  I assumed a lot of responsibility for him and am happy to do it, it's just hard...

Our furry dynamics changed in our home recently... rip Izzi we miss you !!!

We also had to make changes with our sweet Precious. She lives in Georgia now and is spoiled rotten just like we spoiled her rotten here. We miss her terribly but I know that it was best for her. Dozer is finally perking up after the changes. That makes us happy. 

Life is always crazy around here but it's OUR crazy and even when we look like we don't know what we are doing, we do.. We should get some of Nicks results soon from the neurologist and we can tackle that giant once we know what we are dealing with.  Everyone is happy happy happy! Malays has been doing her school production "Annie"  she had a solo and I am so proud of her.

Maddy was "cool cat " this month at her school and was on the morning show.  Way to go maddy!!! 

Jaycob is improving at school and has been enjoying seeing his mom and siblings since she is so much closer.  

Noland is gearing up for his school field trips and is also improving his grades. 

All in all we are ok !!! 

Hope this finds you and yours well. Love the one you are with. Always say I love you.  Be kind 

Michelle 

Are you looking at me??

I spend a lot of time wondering what other's see... Do they truly see me for who I am? Do they truly see my children for who they are? Do they walk away from me and shake their heads in disbelief of what they have witnessed while I am begging my son with Autism to please, Please, Please just exit the store without a scene? I suppose there is a time when I will be able to accept that it makes no matter what other's see, but rather how I feel about the situation. Today was one of those days. We had to make a trip to the store. It was a short trip, grab the Redbox and some cold medicine and exit. Ok... We had the talk in the car about being good, we had the discussion in the car about how fast the trip in the store was going to be... Nick was in good spirits and had agreed to be cooperative... Here we go... We enter the store, walk up to the redbox and immediately it began with Nick. He wanted an Xbox game. There were no games. I explained that to him and he continued to tell me that he wanted an Xbox game. I explained about 5 times that it was not possible. I told him we would get the movies that we came after and grab the medicine and be done. He started to run from me. I begged him to please not do this today. He said in his sweet voice, " ok ". We proceeded. Nick decided he wanted a fish... a fish... not something even practical at all. I explained he could not have a fish, he started to cry and raise his voice. People began to look.. I felt small... Hard to explain. Nick's brain is not wired like ours. I know he has brain damage and we are trying so hard to help him, however, he does know right from wrong... Acting out in the store is wrong. I knew what was about to happen... they are started to stare. He did the freak out thing in the store again. He bolted from the buggy, refused to move, got in other people's way, called me names... yes, they were all looking at us. We finally made it to the check out. It began again. He was trying to run from the line where we were almost finished. Oh, I just prayed we would make it out of the store. Done... finally ready to leave. What does Nick do? He ran ahead of me, about 20 paces, just far enough I could not get close to him... Then straight into the parking lot. No looking for cars, just straight out into the parking lot... he refused again to come to me. I begged, oh how I begged... finally we got him into the car. No stopping till we got to the house. I am exhausted. I am sad, how do I help him? You can judge me and say i should have spanked him, or beat him, or whatever you think I should have done, but you can not even begin to share with me what discipline you would have used until you have lived with Nick and know him and his issues...

 Life is uncertain.. The only thing constant is change... We all want to have stability, security, financial freedom and Love.. Most of these are attainable, the challenge is to keep them and not lose them. Circumstances often times create the upside and downside to each of these wants. I have all of them and I have lost all of them; some at the same time. Be careful the path you choose, it does have consequences. Be careful who you trust, most souls are not trustworthy, some are... weed through the bad to get to the good. My world has been a topsy turvy as it gets over the last 6 months. Treatment was not working but I was forced to continue it and " try " to see if it would work. I do not have time for games... I did what was asked of me and then needed to change. Insurance was the issue then. Jumping through a million hoops to try and get the treatment instead of having to pay over 3 thousand dollars a month to exist and live. Luckily, all of that has been resolved. Treatment resumed and now I have to take charge of my life again and make sure that all the ducks stay in a row. ( my ducks tend to wander )

 I do not know how I feel about life right now. I can not post some feel good blog just " because ". I have to share from my heart and soul. I write. Sometimes it is poetic and has an ebb and flow. Sometimes it does not. Today, is not one of those ebb and flow days. I need to be more regular with my blogs... It helps me chronologically share my feelings.

 My heart has been broken by someone that I love dearly... It will mend, but it will take time. I used to not have feelings. I was numb. I liked being numb. It made life easier... but no, i had to begin having feelings and now I have to wade through them all and figure out which ones I share and which ones I keep to myself. I am finding that their are people that I used to think I could share anything with, no matter what, and now I know that is not the case. Lip service... please say what you mean. I do, so I assume everyone else does as well. If I tell you something on Monday, it will be the same on Wednesday. If it changes I will have a reason to support it.... Some people do not... Other people will lie about you. This is because they want to make themselves look better, smarter even. Even if they are family and you never tried to harm them in any way.

I recommend you blow your own mind every once in a while. Why not? I do... There are days when all the things that make sense in my mind tell me not to try and do something, but I have to. I have to keep going forward. Try it. Be willing... that's all it takes. The issues we all have can weigh on our hearts, at the end of the day, it's ok. The house is quiet tonight after all the drama today. Nick is safe in his bed. Noland is sleeping away... The dogs are snoozing. I am finally able to put my thoughts down. This war I battle every day is not " job " by any means... It is however my world. It is 24/7... 365 days a year.. there is no off day, no vacation, hell I do not even get regular breaks. I am my own worst critic, I mommy fail daily, I barely get my coffee in the a.m., I have to be a pharmacist, a therapist, a driver, a cook, a maid, an advocate for my healthcare, a voice for Nikolas and sister, an aunt, a daughter, a wife, a best friend and love everyone and everything in my world. Today, I just do not " feel " it... I want to set my hair on fire and run .... run far away. ( who am i kidding? they would just follow me ) Bottom line, I am going to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. I am ok with that. Love the one you are with... be kind... 


From us in Fountain FLorida to you... wherever you are... mwah !!!

 The Ptaks and a gang of H's

The silence is so deafening... I cant hear !!

This morning I woke up kind of early for a Saturday morning and it was so quiet. My sweet husband had to work today and the girls are not here, and Jaycob is with his mom. It almost seems surreal to wake up and not find all of the tiny heart beats that are usually getting into something on Saturday morning. Most people might would find that silence to be a relief. I woke up and had forgotten that they wouldn't all be here. We get so caught up in wanting that relief as parents that when we get it unexpectedly it can really catch your heart off guard. Shortly after waking up, Noland emerged his sleepy cute little self: came into the living room and we actually had a nice little chat and talked about some things that have been going on lately and made some plans to go and have a little bit of fun this afternoon. Then Nick woke up and we told him about our plans and he immediately began looking for the girls and Jaycob. We're just not used to not having them here. He got excited about our plans for the day and both the boys enjoyed some hot chocolate with mom and I enjoyed my coffee. I made them breakfast which was the simplest of tasks since it was just the three of us. However, while making a couple of pieces of sausage and one pack of biscuits I realized my life is really transformed and sometimes it's chaotic and sometimes it's crazy in most of time I feel like I'm herding a small tribe tiny little not grown yet people. So long story short I miss all the tiny heart beats in the house at one time. I miss the chaos, I miss the Crazy.

Life has been so Crazy. I am so behind on blogging and researching for my book and just being in the now... In October my dad had brainstem strokes.. Most of you know this. It has been a long five months. The scariest five months of my life. We are so fortunate that he is recovering and doing so well now. He went home on February 19th. He has come so far from where he was that it is literally night and day. Dad worked so hard and was determined to get back to our koolaid. The kids are growing and involved in activities after school. We are settled in our new home finally. We moved into our forever home in August and we love it. It has been a long time since we felt like we were HOME. Josh and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We are happy and in love and I am the luckiest lady in the world we celebrated by chilling on some dirt roads and just being alone. I love him to the moon !!!

Justin was married to Callon last weekend. The feelings that were tangled up in my heart I can't even put on paper right now. I just keep remembering how little he was and seeing him all grown up and married has made me quite nostalgic. I am so proud of him and I know they are happy.

Nope. My story is not over. My treatment has been delayed because of insurance and financial issues. I could not afford to pay almost 5k a month. I have jumped through a million hoops and done everything asked of me and now I am finally approved as of March 1st to have it ordered from the pharmacy. Hopeful to get it by the 4th or 5th. I am ready to get back to normal...well, not normal,but our normal. Life keeps rocking away and we keep on keeping on...I know this blog doesn't cover it all but it's a start to continue from. I hope this finds you and yours happy and healthy. Love to you all. Always be kind.