Finding Grace behind the Pain...

My soul ebbs and flows... Some days it needs more attention and some days it is as content as can be.  The journey that I embarked almost two years ago was not one I chose.  To be frankly honest, I did not care to take not the first step onto this journey... I fought it from every direction and every person that tried to encourage me and that it was okay and that I would be okay.  How the hell did they know?  They were not the one being forced off the cliff without a parachute or even a facade that there was something soft at the bottom when I landed.  I hated happy people.  I hated animals.  I hated looking in the mirror.  I hated just being.  I cried over and over that i would not do this alone. I begged Jeff most days to just come get all of us that were devastated by his demise.  I absolutely miss him... 

One day I woke up from a dream where Jeff had visited me.  He said over and over I have taken care of you all these years.  I have loved you in the physical world and I continue to love you in the spiritual world. You can do this.  You have to do this...  I remember waking up and thinking okay... I have to live.  I will live for Jeff.  Given the choice he lived hard and played hard and had the biggest heart of any one person I have ever met in my life and he would have chose LIFE... His big ole heart just could not beat any longer and he was not whole...   I have been left the lessons of love.  I have to honor him in that way.  I began not hating happy people, instead I began to want to be happy...  I did not know how in the world I would accomplish it.  The first step was to figure out WHO Michelle was...  

I have spent a lot of time with myself.  I know that I am independent, strong, kind, and determined. I have learned how to love beyond measure, not others... but myself.  I am ok with me.  I lost some people along the way, and that is OK... I have no hard feelings with those, I wish I could continue my relationship with some of them, but it is okay that I am not.  

Pain is something I deal with on a daily basis.  I have a debilitating disease that took my life away from me at one point during the course of learning I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It put my ass in a wheelchair and caused me to use a walker.  Not anymore.  Never again... I refuse to live that way.  Most days I am okay.  There are days when I think the RA is trying to win.  I have to remind myself that I got this... The pain will diminish and on the other side of the pain is relief.  I choose not to let it rule my world. 

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NOT THIS GIRL ANYMORE !!!! 

I have also learned that we make choices to have happiness, love, and peace in our lives.  I choose these things over the negativity that tries to consume me at times. I have found grace behind the pain.  I have found the options to choose to be happy... 

Blogging is my way of chronologically logging my thoughts.  I am friends with widows and widowers and I hope that my sharing my most intimate thoughts helps offer to hope... 

Today I am blessed with an amazing man in my life, one that I know was placed here by Jeff.  I know i say it over and over.  You have no idea how unique and special a person must be to accept all of me and my children and the grief.  I am consumed with gratefulness for Josh.  He helps me celebrate Jeff in ways nobody could understand.  I love him like nobody could.  I know the value of time and how precious it is and how it can change in the blink of an eye.  I appreciate all his efforts in helping us through the grief and never ever saying that it is unnecessary... We are happily planning a wedding !!!  Can't wait !!!  

I have entrusted my deepest thoughts and given him my heart... Jeff will always reside there but I know that to honor him I have to love and be happy !!!  Josh makes me smile and so here we go... Making memories and living !!!!!!!!  Be happy for us, be a part of this ride called life... We are surely holding on and enjoying the ups and the downs... It's awesome to have someone in my corner...  Josh, I love you Infinity !!! 8888

So look forward to some wedding details soon... More will be revealed.. Much love to you and yours.

Always say I love you, Love the one you are with, MWAH !!!

Love, Michelle and the gang of H's and the PTAKS

We are glass....

We are glass... We are fragile... We are human... We are shaped by the light we let through us.... We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after....  ( lyrics from Thompson Squared Glass )

What truth there is to this...  I have had a couple of weeks where I have been in an emotional turmoil.  May come as a shock to most of you if you are friends with me on Facebook... I try very hard to hide what I am feeling.  I try so hard to not break...  I never want to feel broken.  If you don't know, I ended up taking a very impromptu trip for 24 hrs to Georgia.  I needed to not just " see " my sister, mom, nieces, step dad, brother in law, dear friend Jennifer and so many others I did not get a chance to see... I needed to put my arms around their necks.  I needed to be HELD up for a minute.  I needed my soul to feel healed.  I love where I live, the people, there was nothing wrong... no tragedy here in FL.  I just needed to see that good ole' GA clay... drive those old GA roads... i needed the familiarity of home... I had been struggling with it for a couple of weeks and it finally broke me...I needed sweet snuggles from my mini me and squishy... I got what I needed.  I feel whole again.. Not broken...

I heard the lyrics to that song and thought.  We are all Glass.. we do reflect what light we allow to shine through us.  I have some friends that are dear to me that are in situations that are so painful and emotional tormenting that I can not fix, nor is it my job to fix.  The decisions that they are making are reflecting the light they are allowing to shine through them.  I am not abandoning anyone, but I can not fix it.  It is so painful to watch lives become tangled up because of bad decisions.  I can only be a soundboard.  This is when that magic wand I have always wished for would come in handy...

Once I landed in GA.  I had one of those really ugly cries in the bathroom at the airport... I could not wait to have these tiny arms around my neck... I love them so much... We had so much fun.  We got to spend the whole day together playing and goofing off...

I was so proud of my sister, Mel, she did a half marathon with a fractured shin...  I do not know how she managed to do it, but she was determined and never surrendered.  !!!!!

I enjoyed seeing my sweet niece Kaelyn.  She is growing up so fast.  I am so proud of her too.  I loved visiting and of course no day is complete without a crown and some hair fixing by Lola even Nanny got her hair done...  Those hugs from mama are just what you need sometime.

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Love is that condition in which the happiness 

of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert Heinlein ~

We are beginning to plan the wedding... YaY !!!  So many people have been asking me what the plans are and when etc... We have nothing concrete.  We want to plan a huge party for the reception and enjoy the day and Celebrate with all of our friends and family.  I think we have narrowed down it will be next October 2015 and I believe we are having an engagement party for my peeps in GA this November.  Jennifer, my bestie, is planning that... Sooo more will be revealed...  We are enjoying every minute of this and we are determined to not be stressed or be in debt up to our eyeballs... ha ha ha ha 

There are lots of fun things coming up with the Holidays around the corner and I am happy... Life is crazy, and we are living it... 

Love the one you are with, always say I love you and never ever take time for granted...

Much love to you all from the Gang of H's and the Ptaks...

Mwah !!! Xoxo

Michelle