My soul ebbs and flows... Some days it needs more attention and some days it is as content as can be. The journey that I embarked almost two years ago was not one I chose. To be frankly honest, I did not care to take not the first step onto this journey... I fought it from every direction and every person that tried to encourage me and that it was okay and that I would be okay. How the hell did they know? They were not the one being forced off the cliff without a parachute or even a facade that there was something soft at the bottom when I landed. I hated happy people. I hated animals. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated just being. I cried over and over that i would not do this alone. I begged Jeff most days to just come get all of us that were devastated by his demise. I absolutely miss him...
One day I woke up from a dream where Jeff had visited me. He said over and over I have taken care of you all these years. I have loved you in the physical world and I continue to love you in the spiritual world. You can do this. You have to do this... I remember waking up and thinking okay... I have to live. I will live for Jeff. Given the choice he lived hard and played hard and had the biggest heart of any one person I have ever met in my life and he would have chose LIFE... His big ole heart just could not beat any longer and he was not whole... I have been left the lessons of love. I have to honor him in that way. I began not hating happy people, instead I began to want to be happy... I did not know how in the world I would accomplish it. The first step was to figure out WHO Michelle was...
I have spent a lot of time with myself. I know that I am independent, strong, kind, and determined. I have learned how to love beyond measure, not others... but myself. I am ok with me. I lost some people along the way, and that is OK... I have no hard feelings with those, I wish I could continue my relationship with some of them, but it is okay that I am not.
Pain is something I deal with on a daily basis. I have a debilitating disease that took my life away from me at one point during the course of learning I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. It put my ass in a wheelchair and caused me to use a walker. Not anymore. Never again... I refuse to live that way. Most days I am okay. There are days when I think the RA is trying to win. I have to remind myself that I got this... The pain will diminish and on the other side of the pain is relief. I choose not to let it rule my world.
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NOT THIS GIRL ANYMORE !!!!
I have also learned that we make choices to have happiness, love, and peace in our lives. I choose these things over the negativity that tries to consume me at times. I have found grace behind the pain. I have found the options to choose to be happy...
Blogging is my way of chronologically logging my thoughts. I am friends with widows and widowers and I hope that my sharing my most intimate thoughts helps offer to hope...
Today I am blessed with an amazing man in my life, one that I know was placed here by Jeff. I know i say it over and over. You have no idea how unique and special a person must be to accept all of me and my children and the grief. I am consumed with gratefulness for Josh. He helps me celebrate Jeff in ways nobody could understand. I love him like nobody could. I know the value of time and how precious it is and how it can change in the blink of an eye. I appreciate all his efforts in helping us through the grief and never ever saying that it is unnecessary... We are happily planning a wedding !!! Can't wait !!!
I have entrusted my deepest thoughts and given him my heart... Jeff will always reside there but I know that to honor him I have to love and be happy !!! Josh makes me smile and so here we go... Making memories and living !!!!!!!! Be happy for us, be a part of this ride called life... We are surely holding on and enjoying the ups and the downs... It's awesome to have someone in my corner... Josh, I love you Infinity !!! 8888
So look forward to some wedding details soon... More will be revealed.. Much love to you and yours.
Always say I love you, Love the one you are with, MWAH !!!
Love, Michelle and the gang of H's and the PTAKS
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