Hissy Fits, Happiness, and Good Times... OH MY !

The last week has not been an easy one... My treatment was increased to twice a  month from November to December.  I Introduced the 2nd treatment on Christmas Day for this month and immediately knew something was really wrong.  I usually encounter side effects for 24 hours and then I experience weakness and gradually gain my strength back by day 2 and 3 after treatment.  I can function during that time normally... Just tire easily etc.  Today is December 29th and I am just now  beginning to feel somewhat normal... I am still tired but that is improving.  I think that having two a month is just too much on my body.  I literally felt my body shutting down on the 27th.  I was scared.  I tried to stay awake all night so that I could make sure that I was alive and I was terrified if I fell asleep that I would not wake up... I was grateful for the loving words of encouragement that were sent to me via FB and Text.

We had lots of giggles here in the last week. On the 20th we got a visit from my mom and Pops and my mini me, Lola...  They brought Christmas to us.  It was so good to see them and get to put my arms around them and hug their necks.  That is absolutely the best therapy... laughter, smiles, and hugs.  It is not the same just talking with them on the phone.  I am not complaining about all the phone calls we make, but having that physical touch of someones arms around your neck is one of the best feelings... Then, we had Granny Rita and David bring the boys home from GA.  They went up with my mom and Pops when they left.  I enjoyed a couple of days getting the rest of Christmas ready during that time.

The new tradition of Grandparent Christmas time on Christmas Eve began this year.  It was nice to have a good meal, and a house full of people we love and the kids getting to open their presents from the grandparents.  The best part was I did not have to cook Christmas... We had leftovers and plenty of them. The kids had the best Christmas... They all got new bikes and tons and tons of stuff... They were smiles a plenty :)

The boys remembered Jeff as well.  We let go of a special star balloon with messages to him in Heaven.  We goofed around and talked about how daddy loved deviled eggs and his pooting butt after... We talked about his love of Christmas and his need every year to pay it forward.  He was so good at that.  We paid it forward this year in his honor to a family that was in need and to a random person in town that was down on their luck.  I know he smiled down from Heaven and he is always with us in our hearts.

Moving forward is a choice and we have lots of new memories to make and a lifetime to celebrate his love for life.

I am getting super excited about mine and Josh's engagement party in GA.  I have some surprises for Josh while we are in GA.  I can't wait.  I am super excited !!!!

Much love to you all... Love the one you are with... Always say I love you and never ever have regrets... From our home in the boonies to you and yours... Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and I wish you peace, love and light into the New Year...

Here's to 2014 may 2015 bring us the best year ever... CHEERS !!

Michelle, and the gang of H's and the Ptaks...

Making new memories

We survived Thanksgiving and had a great time with family and good food.  I made my first turkey ever and it was really good. It was a nice day to be outside and it was also a day of reflection.. Reflection about how far we have come  and how we have adapted to our new Normal. I am blessed I'm a multitude of ways and have plenty to be thankful for on a daily basis.

We got invited to join Rita and David on the beach and then granny Rita got sick and had to cancel but they were gracious to allow us to come to Pcb and enjoy the weekend without them there. We sure missed seeing them but we had a great time and went to Rosemary Beach and saw the lights and SANTA... The kids had a blast... and of course we saw the beach.

On this journey I have had to embrace the me I never knew... at times I have felt broken. I have felt defeated. I have felt like the ones I counted on could not support me.  In this journey I discovered I was a diamond and diamonds can't be broken... 

We enter into the next few weeks that will be incredibly difficult. I choose to stay on the roller coaster and enjoy the ride. At times I cover my eyes because I do not want to see what is coming and other times I enjoy it with eyes wide open.  

No matter what the ride of life has you on... make a choice. 

Hugs to you and yours....

love the one your with..  always say I love you...

michelle and the GA get of h's and the Ptak

P.s still no wedding info nailed down except the engagement party will be Jan 10th IN GA. ... yayayayaya. :)

Dear Jeff:......

Yep, that is me... Straight Shootin, never will bullshit you in any way.  I do not sugar coat anything.  I often warn people when they ask for my opinion... I will always tell you the truth.  I also know when to keep my mouth shut.  That has more of an affect on others than blabbing away about a situation that they are trying to convince you of...

My blog today is a letter to Jeff:

Dear Jeff,
The hardest thing I have ever done was to live when all I wanted to do was die. I never once thought you walking into the condo would be the last time I heard your voice, or when you said " I love you " I never once thought it would be the last  " I love you ".  I never thought that the last things we did would be the last of my existence as I knew it.  Never, ever, ever, did I think that you would not be here.  I miss your face.  I looked at that face for almost 19 years.  You gave me the reassurance to be the strong, independent woman and mother I am today.  I know you are watching over us.  I ran across this picture of you and Noland at Thanksgiving, the month almost to the date before you left us in the physical world.  That was a good day. I try very hard to not live in the " what happened " to us, but to live in the " what would make you proud of us ".  It is so hard some days.  I think I do really well for a while, then the missing you and the kids missing you just kind of takes over and I can't help it. You lived your life with every fiber of your being.  I hope I carry that message around about you. I know that you have directed me and guided me into my relationship with Josh and his kiddies.  You would love the girls and Jaycob is so silly...So, I can't die before I am dead;. I am blessed with new family and an amazing man.. You would totally love him.  The Holidays are bittersweet.  I feel more grounded now and I think that after a couple of years we might actually enjoy this holiday season. I will love always and miss you terribly.  I will continue to show love the way you taught me to love.. Be there for us and watch over us...

Love,
MC

My reasons for smiling.  I was moving pics off the laptop and saw this pic.  These kids have no idea how they make my heart pitter patter... I just love them... For all their individuality and their ability to love me back.  I am very grateful to have them all... I miss my Big or rather grown and big boys too.  

Wow... And you... Josh... You just amaze me over and over again... I am almost not able to put into words how much I love you.  Our home and love is unbreakable.  It is built on the most solid foundation.  I know we were both terrified going into this, but man what an amazing ride so far and I can not wait for many many many adventures with you... You love me and what has made me who I am today.  You continue to help me celebrate Jeff and find ways to keep his spirit alive for the boys.  You are amazing and I do not know what I did to deserve you, so I am gonna have to go with Jeff planting you in my life... That's the only way we got together... I can not wait to be your wife... I love you !!!

Me shooting the 12 gauge... Had a blast !!!!

The boys Thanksgiving Lunch this year !!!  New memories, not forgetting the old ones, just adding to them.

Love the one you are with, always say I love you... Never take time for granted... You can't get it back... Much love from us !!  

Gobble Gobble !!!

The Gang of H's and the Ptaks !!!

Ready, Set, wait... wait... wait a minute.... WTH?

I have a very dear friend, or I guess I should say I had a dear friend that I have watched destroy her life and it is painful to watch.  Every excuse was used to explain away her behavior.  The sad thing is that she thought what she was doing was okay... that everybody has a time in their life where they  " lose it " chunk their responsibilities, even down to motherhood...  No, that is not reality.  She was looking to be rescued from her feelings by using men, drugs, alcohol, even spending money needed to put food on the table to mask what was really going on and she was not rescued.  She is now in jail... probably for a long time.  Her kiddies are dear to my heart and talking with their family and them has just broken my heart.  I wish I could have shook her and somehow convinced her that her actions had consequences...  The end result is that the kids are in a safe place and actually sounded happy, at peace.  My friend, well, she is not on the street and not continuing that behavior anymore that could have resulted in the kids being traumatized even more so. Bottom line, your life is your responsibility.  Sometimes it sucks... you just roll with it and appreciate it more when it doesn't suck anymore...

Lately, I have been searching my soul for some peace... Not that I am in any turmoil or anything.  My soul gets restless.  You have to be in touch with your inner self, your soul, to understand what I am trying to describe.  I had been feeling a bit sorry for myself, and my poor poor hard life, and my RA, and my special needs kid, and don't forget the devastation of losing Jeff... I did some writing and scribbling and the reoccurring word that I randomly wrote down was restless... My focus has recently been to try and determine what makes my soul restless... I found my answer after a good bit of quiet time, lots of thinking, and did I mention writing?  Revealing such an intimate part of what makes me who I am is scary for me.  It truly boiled down to something very simple.  I am OK.  I really am.  I have been afraid to be OK.  See, me being OK is not the typical behavior expected from someone who has been through what I have been through, or deal with on a daily basis.  I am supposed to bat shit crazy... I am, but not for the reasons you probably assume.  Yes, my child makes noises and ticks and takes lots of medications, yes my children lost their daddy, yes RA sucks.. Yes, widowhood is not for the faint at heart... but I am OK.  For a long time now I have allowed what you think about me to dictate how I feel.  Today, that is not what I allow.  ( This is not directed to anyone.... everybody calm down... ) Fact is, we are all OK.  We have good days and bad days.  We got this.... No matter what, we are all together, we woke up this morning and we all went to bed... Happy Hearts and one less restless soul... 

So, for anyone who is curious....  The wedding update:  We don't have a date set, we don't know where it will be, we don't have anything nailed down except that we need a lot of Mason jars... ha ha ha ha ha 

My besties Jennifer and Brownie are throwing us an engagement / Mingle party in January.  It was going to be in November, for those who were thinking that, it changed.  It will be easier after the Holidays...  More will be revealed when that gets closer.  Oh, and we do know that we want a cotton candy machine, and a popcorn machine at the Wedding.  I know what you are thinking... I do... Just know this... Our Wedding will be the most fun you have all year.. Looking at 10-10-15... It will most definitely involve shooting, mud, and a good time.  I am excited... More than that, I am honored to be welcomed into an amazing family.  On that note, I have to remind you all once again... I am a lucky lady.  Josh, I love you Infinity... You are amazing... 

The kiddies:  We have several things going on with the kiddo's.  Most of you know that Josh's daughter, Maddy broke her foot in two places... She is healing and playing and you would never ever know she was limited for any amount of time.  Malaya won Secretary for Student Council and they are both doing Brownies/ Girl Scouts.  I love the weekends... Having the kids run around crazy... We miss Jaycob... We talk about him all the time and hopefully can make a visit soon or some arrangements to see his sweet little face.  Nikolas is doing very well in School.  I am super proud of what he bringing home with his writing and he is quite the little drawer... Noland is doing a lot better in School with the new 504 in place.  He has a girlfriend and her name is Amanda.  All the teachers brag on Noland when I go into the School about how polite and sweet he is.  We are all looking forward to the Fall Festival at School tomorrow.  We get to do fun rides and games...  

I have treatment tomorrow night, so I will be a bit out of it for a day or so.  I dislike the medication because of how awful it is, but without it I can not function.  So, I am grateful, and sign right up for a lOOONNNGGG 24 hours and enjoy the ride... NOT.  I try and smile right through it, I promise I do...

I hope that as the Season's Change you all are well and always love the one you are with, always say I LOVE YOU... Be good to you !!! 

Much love and Hugs

From the Gang of H's and the Ptaks

Finding Grace behind the Pain...

My soul ebbs and flows... Some days it needs more attention and some days it is as content as can be.  The journey that I embarked almost two years ago was not one I chose.  To be frankly honest, I did not care to take not the first step onto this journey... I fought it from every direction and every person that tried to encourage me and that it was okay and that I would be okay.  How the hell did they know?  They were not the one being forced off the cliff without a parachute or even a facade that there was something soft at the bottom when I landed.  I hated happy people.  I hated animals.  I hated looking in the mirror.  I hated just being.  I cried over and over that i would not do this alone. I begged Jeff most days to just come get all of us that were devastated by his demise.  I absolutely miss him... 

One day I woke up from a dream where Jeff had visited me.  He said over and over I have taken care of you all these years.  I have loved you in the physical world and I continue to love you in the spiritual world. You can do this.  You have to do this...  I remember waking up and thinking okay... I have to live.  I will live for Jeff.  Given the choice he lived hard and played hard and had the biggest heart of any one person I have ever met in my life and he would have chose LIFE... His big ole heart just could not beat any longer and he was not whole...   I have been left the lessons of love.  I have to honor him in that way.  I began not hating happy people, instead I began to want to be happy...  I did not know how in the world I would accomplish it.  The first step was to figure out WHO Michelle was...  

I have spent a lot of time with myself.  I know that I am independent, strong, kind, and determined. I have learned how to love beyond measure, not others... but myself.  I am ok with me.  I lost some people along the way, and that is OK... I have no hard feelings with those, I wish I could continue my relationship with some of them, but it is okay that I am not.  

Pain is something I deal with on a daily basis.  I have a debilitating disease that took my life away from me at one point during the course of learning I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It put my ass in a wheelchair and caused me to use a walker.  Not anymore.  Never again... I refuse to live that way.  Most days I am okay.  There are days when I think the RA is trying to win.  I have to remind myself that I got this... The pain will diminish and on the other side of the pain is relief.  I choose not to let it rule my world. 

.

NOT THIS GIRL ANYMORE !!!! 

I have also learned that we make choices to have happiness, love, and peace in our lives.  I choose these things over the negativity that tries to consume me at times. I have found grace behind the pain.  I have found the options to choose to be happy... 

Blogging is my way of chronologically logging my thoughts.  I am friends with widows and widowers and I hope that my sharing my most intimate thoughts helps offer to hope... 

Today I am blessed with an amazing man in my life, one that I know was placed here by Jeff.  I know i say it over and over.  You have no idea how unique and special a person must be to accept all of me and my children and the grief.  I am consumed with gratefulness for Josh.  He helps me celebrate Jeff in ways nobody could understand.  I love him like nobody could.  I know the value of time and how precious it is and how it can change in the blink of an eye.  I appreciate all his efforts in helping us through the grief and never ever saying that it is unnecessary... We are happily planning a wedding !!!  Can't wait !!!  

I have entrusted my deepest thoughts and given him my heart... Jeff will always reside there but I know that to honor him I have to love and be happy !!!  Josh makes me smile and so here we go... Making memories and living !!!!!!!!  Be happy for us, be a part of this ride called life... We are surely holding on and enjoying the ups and the downs... It's awesome to have someone in my corner...  Josh, I love you Infinity !!! 8888

So look forward to some wedding details soon... More will be revealed.. Much love to you and yours.

Always say I love you, Love the one you are with, MWAH !!!

Love, Michelle and the gang of H's and the PTAKS

We are glass....

We are glass... We are fragile... We are human... We are shaped by the light we let through us.... We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after....  ( lyrics from Thompson Squared Glass )

What truth there is to this...  I have had a couple of weeks where I have been in an emotional turmoil.  May come as a shock to most of you if you are friends with me on Facebook... I try very hard to hide what I am feeling.  I try so hard to not break...  I never want to feel broken.  If you don't know, I ended up taking a very impromptu trip for 24 hrs to Georgia.  I needed to not just " see " my sister, mom, nieces, step dad, brother in law, dear friend Jennifer and so many others I did not get a chance to see... I needed to put my arms around their necks.  I needed to be HELD up for a minute.  I needed my soul to feel healed.  I love where I live, the people, there was nothing wrong... no tragedy here in FL.  I just needed to see that good ole' GA clay... drive those old GA roads... i needed the familiarity of home... I had been struggling with it for a couple of weeks and it finally broke me...I needed sweet snuggles from my mini me and squishy... I got what I needed.  I feel whole again.. Not broken...

I heard the lyrics to that song and thought.  We are all Glass.. we do reflect what light we allow to shine through us.  I have some friends that are dear to me that are in situations that are so painful and emotional tormenting that I can not fix, nor is it my job to fix.  The decisions that they are making are reflecting the light they are allowing to shine through them.  I am not abandoning anyone, but I can not fix it.  It is so painful to watch lives become tangled up because of bad decisions.  I can only be a soundboard.  This is when that magic wand I have always wished for would come in handy...

Once I landed in GA.  I had one of those really ugly cries in the bathroom at the airport... I could not wait to have these tiny arms around my neck... I love them so much... We had so much fun.  We got to spend the whole day together playing and goofing off...

I was so proud of my sister, Mel, she did a half marathon with a fractured shin...  I do not know how she managed to do it, but she was determined and never surrendered.  !!!!!

I enjoyed seeing my sweet niece Kaelyn.  She is growing up so fast.  I am so proud of her too.  I loved visiting and of course no day is complete without a crown and some hair fixing by Lola even Nanny got her hair done...  Those hugs from mama are just what you need sometime.

\

Love is that condition in which the happiness 

of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert Heinlein ~

We are beginning to plan the wedding... YaY !!!  So many people have been asking me what the plans are and when etc... We have nothing concrete.  We want to plan a huge party for the reception and enjoy the day and Celebrate with all of our friends and family.  I think we have narrowed down it will be next October 2015 and I believe we are having an engagement party for my peeps in GA this November.  Jennifer, my bestie, is planning that... Sooo more will be revealed...  We are enjoying every minute of this and we are determined to not be stressed or be in debt up to our eyeballs... ha ha ha ha 

There are lots of fun things coming up with the Holidays around the corner and I am happy... Life is crazy, and we are living it... 

Love the one you are with, always say I love you and never ever take time for granted...

Much love to you all from the Gang of H's and the Ptaks...

Mwah !!! Xoxo

Michelle 

Do you show your naughty parts? ???

Do you?  Do you show your naughty parts?  Well, I have to admit that the naught parts of show. Whether you think your do or not. It is in your actions, how you treat people... how you love..  how you live.

All you perverts thought I was talking about something else huh?  I am guilty. I am absolutely guilty of not smiling back at someone who has shown me kindness in a simple gesture of a smile. I am guilty of just wishing my kids would just STop... whatever it is they r doing so I can just catch a break and all they want from me is my attention or just listen.  I show my naughty parts and yell and raise hell and disappear for a minute.

I get frustrated and want to shoot something and take out my frustrations and then I show my naughty parts... we are all guilty guilty guilty.

In the journey of widow hood I have showed my ass on more than one occasion. Some things I can not change. Some things I can. Today I focus on the changes that make me a better person. I challenge you to do the same.

Oh and we have a wedding to plan. Hopefully my being an ass hasn't burned any bridges and everyone will join us to celebrate the next chapter in this book of life. My story doesn't end here..  

Love from the gang of h's and the ptaks..
Love the one you are with. Always say I love you.
Hugs.  

The continued Journey of Crazy...

Life continues to throw us some curve balls here and there, we choose to embrace it and roll on.  I think that is the best way I can teach my children how to cope is to show them how I cope with things as they unfold.  Do I have parental fails ?  oh yea !!!  In the depths of everything that I could not imagine happening to us as a family, it happened... Time has also happened... Days and months have gone by and we have had time to try and heal and we are thriving in that but there are days... days that we reflect and the good memories are replacing the bad memories, but the missing him will always be there.  I have tried to tailor my blogs to not upset or offend anyone recently and I am not going to do that anymore.  My children will grow up without their father.  This is for me and for them.  Unfortunately,. it is not for any of you.  It is for your entertainment and to see our progress.. I extend my intimate thoughts to you... some complete strangers.  I write.. simply put.  I also have an amazing man in my life who allows me to Celebrate the life of Jeff.  We tell stories about some of Jeff's comical behavior, and things that we have done as a family... I spent almost 20 years of my life married.  I can not, NO, I will not carry on as if he does not exist.  So, like the quote says " Life is not the way it's supposed to be... It's the way it is... The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference. " This is how we cope.  I cope by writing, by celebrating the good days... sharing with you all the happy memories that we are making today in our new normal...

Josh and I will always honor Jeff.  My children will always talk about their dad.  Some days it makes me sad because they run out of stories to tell about their dad....but we are making new stories to tell and we know that their daddy will always watch over them and he guides us daily... We also know he is happy and proud of us !!!

My daddy will be flying to Atlanta soon to have a biopsy on his transplanted kidney... Please keep him in your thoughts and send him some love, light and positive vibes... hoping for good results and nothing serious going on with that transplanted kidney, or " steve "  ha  ha  ha  ...

We are missing Jaycob terribly... We had so much fun during his visit here and I was so grateful to get to spend some time with him.  His departure was not what we had hoped for and that has been hard to deal with and watch the other little ones hearts hurt and miss their brother... We will be planning to visit and Tango soon so we can see his sweet little face.  He had me rolling on more than one occasion.  Sending him big hugs !!! 

Love the one you are with, always say I love you, Be kind... 

mwah, from the Gang of H's and the Ptaks...

A story book ending... or a beginning... you decide !!!

The single most important thing in my world... Family !!! They are not all blood related, some are acquired, some have just always been there. I would do anything for anyone in  my family within reason and of course to help them and not help to harm them in any manner.  We learn that there are those in our lives that can contaminate the air we breathe and just their mere presence can change the absolute value of a great time into a negative experience, but they are family so we absorb the negative energy and hope that our next encounter we can bounce some positive vibes onto them and they grab a hold of them and find their happy.  My children and the immediate people in my lives I would do anything for, and them for me.  It is not even a question.  It just IS.  Moving away from my mom and sisters and nieces and nephews was a big decision but they have all supported all my endeavors, even when they shake their head and I am sure have slight committee meetings about what crazy Michelle is up to now.  It is not fun anymore to try and do something outlandish, they expect it out of me.  Dang it !!!  ha ha ha !!! I pledge to keep trying..  :)

We have been doing really well.  Enjoying the summer with the kiddies and getting ready for 4th of July... Fireworks and of course a bonfire.  Making memories.. enjoying past memories and living every day to the fullest. My story does not end here, it will keep on and on.. I make the choice to Live and Love everyday.  I still feel so fortunate to have the people in my life..  

Not much more to say here folks.  Hope to have more to blog about soon..  In the mean time I do want to say to Josh that I am so grateful to have you in our lives.  I say it over and over again but I want other people to know that love after loss is possible.  Trust your heart.  I am happy again and Josh makes me smile.  

Love you Infinity !!! 

  

Love the one you are with, always say I love you !!! 

Love the gang of H's and the Ptaks...

Be Kind or Be Quiet

I need to clarify a few things about my blog yesterday.  It was a post to make you think....  It was a question that we are all perplexed with at some point in time.

I am happy...  I am no upset... I am at peace... I hope that no one read the blog thinking that I was questioning where I stood.

My children and myself will continue to celebrate their daddy... He taught me the lessons of love and I fully intend on continuing to Love while here on this earthly journey.

I love my life with Josh and his kiddies with my kiddies...  No question about it.  He is an amazing daddy and I love him with all my heart... We will continue to make memories...  have tons of laughs and enjoy this journey here together.

Please do not judge or think that you know where I have gone through... You can not unless you have walked in my shoes...

No rant, no rave... Just wanted to clarify...  Hug your family, love the one you are with... always say I love you !!!

Michelle

How much can You TAKE?

How much can you take?  Where is the line in the sand ?  Do you have limits?  We all do... The difference is that we make choices about giving up and taking on the challenge of exactly how far we can be pushed so to speak.  How far can we go and how much can we take?  Where is your breaking point?  I have come to terms that I have no answer for this question.  I can not answer it.  I thought I could.  I have thought a thousand times " I am DONE " that is it... I can not take not one more thing... And, if you know anything about my story, you know that life continues to present itself and throw more and more shit at me and I keep going and never give up.  I want to.  I think we all do.  Lately, I have had some challenges.  Some with Nick, if you are following my blog, you know that Nikolas has Autism and is challenging some days.  I wonder how in the hell I am going to keep on with him and make good choices that help him... I lay in bed some nights and wonder if I am making all the right decisions regarding both my boys.  Am I celebrating their daddy in the right way ?  Am I going forward in the right way...?  Will I ever know what I am doing is right.  Maybe not... It is the only way that I know to do it, so without that imaginary manual that does not exist I have no way of knowing.  I can only hope that what I am doing is right.  In my heart, most of the time I think I am doing it right.  Sometimes I have doubts... The doubts are what create the question how much more can I take?  I just try and suppress the doubt and go forward.  Finding the circle of people that make up my bubble are why and how I can go forward..  No one knows how much they can take, we are all still here... We function to the best of our ability and find happiness where it can be found.  Learn lessons where they can be learned and hope that we carry them with us at all times, not just when they apply.  Then, there is LOVE... it encompasses us... it comforts us, it hurts us, it defies all that should not exist and sometimes is the reason we do exist... 

 

" In life you will meet two special people: One changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other, who puts you back together after you have lost the first. "

I am so fortunate to have had an amazing, wonderful, loving, adventurous marriage with Jeff that was almost 19 years long.  Almost half my life... I never was made to feel less than and knew that his love for me was undying.  He also used to tell me that if anything happened  to him, he would make sure that I was taken care of and that I deserved that same love forever, Infinity...  

Josh and his kiddies came into my life and he loves me and my kiddies in the most undying manner.  He loves us through the crazy and I KNOW that Jeff has made a way for all this to happen...  I have said it over and over; I have been so fortunate to have not found this love once but twice and I am forever grateful.  We are happy... I am happy... My children are happy...  I only know one way to love, unconditionally and forever and ever always... INFINITY 888...

This is my journal.. My journey... Your entertainment.. ha ha !!!  But some of you may wonder if what I put in these blogs is exaggerated or maybe I am seriously medicated.  Neither is true.  For this blog... We have a guest blogger... Jordan has been around our family her whole life.  She has always been a part of ' us " whatever the US was... She sees first hand the trauma that my family experienced and she loved Jeff with all her heart as well... She visited last year and is visiting this year.  She is going to share her perspective of what our lives are like and how she feels about it...

Welcome JORDAN :  

Growing up around the Harrison's has been an adventure. When I was younger, I remember them coming over and everyone just hanging out. In my eyes, it was always Jeff and Michelle (and Nick, Noland and Justin.) When we all lived in Georgia, it was obviously easier to get together and hang out. Once they moved, my family would make trips to the beach, just to see this family. I always thought that Jeff and Michelle showed the way love should always be..unconditional. Sometimes, when I'm home, I think about the Harrison's and I automatically picture Jeff there. It's a habit, that I'm never going to escape. Jeff was a permanent fixture in my life, and it seems even death cannot change that. I do not know how I found out that Jeff died, but I do remember the memorial service that was held in Georgia. I don't remember much of it, because it was a very emotional day for everyone there. However, I remember sitting there in the church and thinking how perfect the song Upside Down was. Jeff was an amazing man, that I don't have many memories of, because I was so young when I met him, but the memories I do have are amazing. 

Life in this house is insane, but I see Michelle show the same love Jeff showed her, to their kids, and to Josh. If Josh was around when Jeff was alive, there is no doubt in my mind that they would have been best friends. Josh demonstrates his love the same way that Jeff did. I believe 100% that Jeff put Josh and his children into Michelle's life. On a weekday, there are 3 boys here and on the weekends there are 2 girls along with the boys. It's crazy, but somehow it works. Ever since Nick was little, I've loved to be around him, and it seems he feels the same way, seeing how he has claimed me as his girlfriend. Although Noland doesn't say I'm his girlfriend, he's still an awesome little kid. Malaya and Maddy are the cutest littlest girls, and when I met them last year, I taught them to dance and then I was tackled. Jaycob...Jaycob doesn't like me, and I'm not really sure why, but he's a great kid with an amazing personality. 

Jeff continues to be celebrated, by his family and people like me..who aren't really his family, but pretty much are. Jeff is still here..I've experienced it. Just the other day, Justin and I were arguing about our highschools..I told him that Spalding High kicked Griffin High's butt, and the Happy Birthday banner fell right off the wall. For those of you who don't know, Jeff was the the Bear's biggest fan. Josh is exactly what this family needed. He loves everyone like Jeff did, and he has the biggest heart towards people like me. Michelle is extremely lucky to have found a love like this, not only once but twice. 

Love the one you're with and be happy. If you're not happy where you are, get up and move. You're not a tree. 

From our home to yours... Love the one you are with, always say I love you... Life is precious.. so is time !!!

Much Love 

Michelle 

The Gang of H's' and a few Ptak's hanging around and Jordan

*** For those who don't already know, Jordan is 14 years old.. much wiser beyond her short years lived... We love her to the moon !!!

I am reminded of the reality that is upon us...not for the easily offended...

Ok.. so I have said it.  This is not for the easily offended. It's my blog and it is my outlet. If you are offended by language or do not know me that well and would like to keep your opinion of me in tact here's where you stop reading. 

Well for the rest of you. Here goes nothing.  I am raging mad.  I am heartbroken.  I am filled with anything but spiritual greatness right now. I am entitled to feel so. I do not need any pity or pats on the back about what a great job I am doing. It sucks. It sucks ass.  I have been a voice for Nick since he was an infant. My fights get bigger and my voice gets louder. Will I surrender? Hell no.  Will I give up on my child ? HELL NO.  Do I want to? Absofreakinlutely ... not a damn thing about raising Nick is easy. Top matters off his dad goes and fucking dies on him.  Us !!!! Damn it pisses me off.  I am the one now to have to deal with all this.  It is what it is.  Have I found love? Yes.  Doesn't mean I forget that I had a family unit in tact for almost 20 yrs.  Doesn't mean that I don't have issues.  I deal with them and I make choices to be happy but the last week has been hell... no... worse than hell... 

I am grateful that Josh has accepted us for what we are. When I tell you that Josh is a gift from Jeff it's not candy coated bullshit idealistic romance that I have created in my head. Spend a day with us and see. There are family members who will NOT take on Nick for any time frame and here is this wonderful man who is in my corner doing everything he can to understand Nick and love us through this.  Nick and his having autism is not an easy feat. I was so scared that no one would ever love us... I do not have that worry anymore. The last week of hell is proof enough that Josh isn't going anywhere and that Jeff is still watching out for us.  

I think if Jeff could beam me up and we could have a conversation he would first blast me about the doubt that I have in myself in parenting. .. then I'm pretty sure he'd give me one of those big olé Jeff hugs and tell me that I have a lot of living to do and he's making sure it is with the right person not only for my boys but for me. He has never let me down.  

I used to scream that I could not do this alone. I had no desire to do this alone. This is my official post /blog to say I am not doing this alone. I have an amazing partner. Hand picked. That's something right there. Am I angry? Yep. . Worn out ? Yep.   Will I continue up doing what I am doing ? Bet your sweet ass I will... 

I am not going anywhere... we are making plans and loving all the funny goofy moments we make together. Thank you Jeff. You will always be in my heart but it is big enough to hold you both. We will keep riding the asphalt here while you ride the sky. We will Continue to celebrate you and I hope I love a fraction of the love you showed me. 

Josh... you are my heart and you make me smile. I am a lucky lucky girl... I love you. Infinity !!!

Love the one you are with. Always say I love you. Remember hugs are not hugs unless you use both arms. Mwah. 

From our home to yours... Michelle and the boys and the Ptaks..

Do you believe in LOVE ?

Do you believe in Love?  I do... Always have.  I had one of the best teacher's.  I had a discussion this past weekend about the extreme difference between love and hate.  I was told that when somebody hates something, it is an absolute fact.  There is no sliding scale on hate... You either hate it or don't.  You do not hate something a little bit... but love... I was told that love is questionable.  That when you are told you are loved you can question the level of love that person is referencing.  I disagree.  When I tell you I love you.  I mean it.  I will love you through the ugly, the messy, the chaos, the unlovable moments... when you are ugly on the inside and outside.  My love has no sliding scale.  It is not questionable.  I also take it very seriously.  Love that is.  I like to think everyone is that way. I am learning that is not the case.  Embarking on this journey that has taken me through ups and downs, weaving, and embankments I have learned that not everyone Loves the way I do.  I am humbly disappointed in this.  I am also grateful that I did not know this until now.  I had the privilege of being loved with someones whole heart.  He did not leave me for another woman, he did not abandon us, he died.  Does it hurt?  Hell yes... Did it keep me from wanting to love? Hell NO.  Jeff taught me how to love and love with all my heart.  I think he would be disappointed in the way that some have acted since his passing in regards to how they have loved us.  We all cope in a different manner, I choose to leave the negative alone and focus on the positive.  The lessons I have acquired.  The life lessons that are making me a better ME.  I plan on loving as much as I can.... 

I love you Josh... You love me through my crazy moments and make me smile.  I say over and over how lucky I am to have you and the girls and I look forward to getting to know your little guy soon.  I always want to enhance your life.  I know that you are a gift... I treasure you !!! Thank you for continuing to be there for me and my boys and allowing us to celebrate Jeff.  You honor him in such a way that makes me fall in love with you over and over and over again... I can't wait to keep making memories and blending our families together and making plans.  

This is how I feel... I was cracked, broken and never thought I would be happy again... My soul is being restored and my spirit is not broken... 

Love the one you are with... Always say I love you !!!

Love,

Michelle and the Gang of H's with a few Ptak's hanging around

Cars... Easter Eggs... Family & More... Whew !!!

Car Shows, Easter Hunts.. Family & MORE!!!

Whoa.. What a weekend :)  Started out Saturday morning with Josh taking Noland to his very first car show EVER !!!  Noland was super psyched... He loved it.  They had a really good time.  I was so glad they got to have some " guy time " and do something FUN !!! Noland really misses hanging out and doing all the " guy stuff " he loves.  He is really INTO cars.  Josh had a special shirt made for him.  He is sporting it in the pics...  

Of course Saturday afternoon we enjoyed Easter with Gdaddy and Gmama and of course dying eggs. Kids laughed and filled the house with all their giggles... Made me smile.

The kiddies with Gdaddy and Gmama after the Hunt... Good times !!

Of course I was a little homesick.  I got to Tango with my Family in GA while they were all at my mom's.  It was so cool.  Made me feel better to get to see everybody and talk to them.  We are so far apart, but I treasure them just the same...  

Bwahhhhhhhhhh...  Just a funny, wow , this is a wild weekend kind of pic... 

Sunday we had the pleasure of having Easter Lunch with Josh's Family.  We felt so welcomed and loved.  The kids had such a great time playing in the yard and with all their goodies.  We all had a blast and some really yummy food...  awesome day !!!

The evening ended and the kids went to bed.  We had some quiet time and were able to wind down from the weekend.  It makes me reflect on how things change.  When you are running to catch your breath from having a great time.  You know it' s been a good weekend.  My soul and spirit felt renewed...  We had our moments missing Jeff... We know he was celebrating in Heaven and he is still guiding us.  I am so blessed with the gifts he continues to send me... 

We had another " big moment " this morning.  I had to take Nick for his labs.  I have dreaded this.  Jeff was the keeper of this task and Justin has filled in since Jeff' s passing.  I felt my throat closing up, my skin getting clammy, my heart racing... I could feel that dreaded panic setting in on the way to the Health care center.  I glanced over to Nick and looked at me and smiled.  That was all it took.  I knew I could get him through this.  No matter what it took or we experienced.  After we were there, it was no biggie.  He did great.  !!!

Such a brave little guy.  He did say that he wished his daddy was here, because he always took him someplace special afterwards.  So we did just that.  We stopped by Gdaddy's house and grabbed some hugs and his little brother bought him breakfast at McDonald's with his Easter money...

Today my heart and soul giggle.  We did it !! yay... I am so proud of us.  So, I will continue down this path... The one that is curvy and winding... That has up and downs.  That is stormy at best most days...  Because, this girl is adjusting her sail... I refuse to sink.. I am so happy... Feel so blessed... Excited about our futures... We know that Josh, the girls, and Jaycob are our Forever Family... With every hard time, with every celebration, with every laugh and accomplishment we grow stronger and stronger.  Love the one you are with... Say I love You... Appreciate the little things... Those are what matter... With a heart full of love and soul full of giggles...  We send you our love and encourage you to do something extraordinary !!! 

Mwah !!

Michelle and the gang of H's and the gang of Ptaks :)