Ok.. so I have said it. This is not for the easily offended. It's my blog and it is my outlet. If you are offended by language or do not know me that well and would like to keep your opinion of me in tact here's where you stop reading.
Well for the rest of you. Here goes nothing. I am raging mad. I am heartbroken. I am filled with anything but spiritual greatness right now. I am entitled to feel so. I do not need any pity or pats on the back about what a great job I am doing. It sucks. It sucks ass. I have been a voice for Nick since he was an infant. My fights get bigger and my voice gets louder. Will I surrender? Hell no. Will I give up on my child ? HELL NO. Do I want to? Absofreakinlutely ... not a damn thing about raising Nick is easy. Top matters off his dad goes and fucking dies on him. Us !!!! Damn it pisses me off. I am the one now to have to deal with all this. It is what it is. Have I found love? Yes. Doesn't mean I forget that I had a family unit in tact for almost 20 yrs. Doesn't mean that I don't have issues. I deal with them and I make choices to be happy but the last week has been hell... no... worse than hell...
I am grateful that Josh has accepted us for what we are. When I tell you that Josh is a gift from Jeff it's not candy coated bullshit idealistic romance that I have created in my head. Spend a day with us and see. There are family members who will NOT take on Nick for any time frame and here is this wonderful man who is in my corner doing everything he can to understand Nick and love us through this. Nick and his having autism is not an easy feat. I was so scared that no one would ever love us... I do not have that worry anymore. The last week of hell is proof enough that Josh isn't going anywhere and that Jeff is still watching out for us.
I think if Jeff could beam me up and we could have a conversation he would first blast me about the doubt that I have in myself in parenting. .. then I'm pretty sure he'd give me one of those big olé Jeff hugs and tell me that I have a lot of living to do and he's making sure it is with the right person not only for my boys but for me. He has never let me down.
I used to scream that I could not do this alone. I had no desire to do this alone. This is my official post /blog to say I am not doing this alone. I have an amazing partner. Hand picked. That's something right there. Am I angry? Yep. . Worn out ? Yep. Will I continue up doing what I am doing ? Bet your sweet ass I will...
I am not going anywhere... we are making plans and loving all the funny goofy moments we make together. Thank you Jeff. You will always be in my heart but it is big enough to hold you both. We will keep riding the asphalt here while you ride the sky. We will Continue to celebrate you and I hope I love a fraction of the love you showed me.
Josh... you are my heart and you make me smile. I am a lucky lucky girl... I love you. Infinity !!!
Love the one you are with. Always say I love you. Remember hugs are not hugs unless you use both arms. Mwah.
From our home to yours... Michelle and the boys and the Ptaks..
Sounds like a good thing to me, both that you expressed yourself and that you have such a great partner.
ReplyDeleteI have type 2 bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and OCD. I have been very hurt by the world. So much of the time when I've tried to express the way I feel, I've been gaslighted.
I hate sanctimonious prats who come to a person's blog and tsk tsk them for expressing raw emotions or for cussing. To borrow a phrase, bitch, please. It really is so uncalled for.
I'm glad I found your blog. I found it on the A to Z list. I am part of a blogging team of creative bloggers who have mental illness. I'm visiting from the A to Z list. One of my team's blogs is Poetry of the Netherworld.
Keep expressing yourself. This is your virtual home. Say it how you feel it!