I have a very dear friend, or I guess I should say I had a dear friend that I have watched destroy her life and it is painful to watch. Every excuse was used to explain away her behavior. The sad thing is that she thought what she was doing was okay... that everybody has a time in their life where they " lose it " chunk their responsibilities, even down to motherhood... No, that is not reality. She was looking to be rescued from her feelings by using men, drugs, alcohol, even spending money needed to put food on the table to mask what was really going on and she was not rescued. She is now in jail... probably for a long time. Her kiddies are dear to my heart and talking with their family and them has just broken my heart. I wish I could have shook her and somehow convinced her that her actions had consequences... The end result is that the kids are in a safe place and actually sounded happy, at peace. My friend, well, she is not on the street and not continuing that behavior anymore that could have resulted in the kids being traumatized even more so. Bottom line, your life is your responsibility. Sometimes it sucks... you just roll with it and appreciate it more when it doesn't suck anymore...
Lately, I have been searching my soul for some peace... Not that I am in any turmoil or anything. My soul gets restless. You have to be in touch with your inner self, your soul, to understand what I am trying to describe. I had been feeling a bit sorry for myself, and my poor poor hard life, and my RA, and my special needs kid, and don't forget the devastation of losing Jeff... I did some writing and scribbling and the reoccurring word that I randomly wrote down was restless... My focus has recently been to try and determine what makes my soul restless... I found my answer after a good bit of quiet time, lots of thinking, and did I mention writing? Revealing such an intimate part of what makes me who I am is scary for me. It truly boiled down to something very simple. I am OK. I really am. I have been afraid to be OK. See, me being OK is not the typical behavior expected from someone who has been through what I have been through, or deal with on a daily basis. I am supposed to bat shit crazy... I am, but not for the reasons you probably assume. Yes, my child makes noises and ticks and takes lots of medications, yes my children lost their daddy, yes RA sucks.. Yes, widowhood is not for the faint at heart... but I am OK. For a long time now I have allowed what you think about me to dictate how I feel. Today, that is not what I allow. ( This is not directed to anyone.... everybody calm down... ) Fact is, we are all OK. We have good days and bad days. We got this.... No matter what, we are all together, we woke up this morning and we all went to bed... Happy Hearts and one less restless soul...
So, for anyone who is curious.... The wedding update: We don't have a date set, we don't know where it will be, we don't have anything nailed down except that we need a lot of Mason jars... ha ha ha ha ha
My besties Jennifer and Brownie are throwing us an engagement / Mingle party in January. It was going to be in November, for those who were thinking that, it changed. It will be easier after the Holidays... More will be revealed when that gets closer. Oh, and we do know that we want a cotton candy machine, and a popcorn machine at the Wedding. I know what you are thinking... I do... Just know this... Our Wedding will be the most fun you have all year.. Looking at 10-10-15... It will most definitely involve shooting, mud, and a good time. I am excited... More than that, I am honored to be welcomed into an amazing family. On that note, I have to remind you all once again... I am a lucky lady. Josh, I love you Infinity... You are amazing...
The kiddies: We have several things going on with the kiddo's. Most of you know that Josh's daughter, Maddy broke her foot in two places... She is healing and playing and you would never ever know she was limited for any amount of time. Malaya won Secretary for Student Council and they are both doing Brownies/ Girl Scouts. I love the weekends... Having the kids run around crazy... We miss Jaycob... We talk about him all the time and hopefully can make a visit soon or some arrangements to see his sweet little face. Nikolas is doing very well in School. I am super proud of what he bringing home with his writing and he is quite the little drawer... Noland is doing a lot better in School with the new 504 in place. He has a girlfriend and her name is Amanda. All the teachers brag on Noland when I go into the School about how polite and sweet he is. We are all looking forward to the Fall Festival at School tomorrow. We get to do fun rides and games...
I have treatment tomorrow night, so I will be a bit out of it for a day or so. I dislike the medication because of how awful it is, but without it I can not function. So, I am grateful, and sign right up for a lOOONNNGGG 24 hours and enjoy the ride... NOT. I try and smile right through it, I promise I do...
I hope that as the Season's Change you all are well and always love the one you are with, always say I LOVE YOU... Be good to you !!!
Much love and Hugs
From the Gang of H's and the Ptaks
