I spend a lot of time wondering what other's see... Do they truly see me for who I am? Do they truly see my children for who they are? Do they walk away from me and shake their heads in disbelief of what they have witnessed while I am begging my son with Autism to please, Please, Please just exit the store without a scene?
I suppose there is a time when I will be able to accept that it makes no matter what other's see, but rather how I feel about the situation. Today was one of those days. We had to make a trip to the store. It was a short trip, grab the Redbox and some cold medicine and exit. Ok... We had the talk in the car about being good, we had the discussion in the car about how fast the trip in the store was going to be... Nick was in good spirits and had agreed to be cooperative... Here we go...
We enter the store, walk up to the redbox and immediately it began with Nick. He wanted an Xbox game. There were no games. I explained that to him and he continued to tell me that he wanted an Xbox game. I explained about 5 times that it was not possible. I told him we would get the movies that we came after and grab the medicine and be done. He started to run from me. I begged him to please not do this today. He said in his sweet voice, " ok ". We proceeded. Nick decided he wanted a fish... a fish... not something even practical at all. I explained he could not have a fish, he started to cry and raise his voice. People began to look.. I felt small... Hard to explain. Nick's brain is not wired like ours. I know he has brain damage and we are trying so hard to help him, however, he does know right from wrong... Acting out in the store is wrong. I knew what was about to happen... they are started to stare. He did the freak out thing in the store again. He bolted from the buggy, refused to move, got in other people's way, called me names... yes, they were all looking at us. We finally made it to the check out. It began again. He was trying to run from the line where we were almost finished. Oh, I just prayed we would make it out of the store. Done... finally ready to leave. What does Nick do? He ran ahead of me, about 20 paces, just far enough I could not get close to him... Then straight into the parking lot. No looking for cars, just straight out into the parking lot... he refused again to come to me. I begged, oh how I begged... finally we got him into the car. No stopping till we got to the house. I am exhausted. I am sad, how do I help him? You can judge me and say i should have spanked him, or beat him, or whatever you think I should have done, but you can not even begin to share with me what discipline you would have used until you have lived with Nick and know him and his issues...
Life is uncertain.. The only thing constant is change... We all want to have stability, security, financial freedom and Love.. Most of these are attainable, the challenge is to keep them and not lose them. Circumstances often times create the upside and downside to each of these wants. I have all of them and I have lost all of them; some at the same time. Be careful the path you choose, it does have consequences. Be careful who you trust, most souls are not trustworthy, some are... weed through the bad to get to the good.
My world has been a topsy turvy as it gets over the last 6 months. Treatment was not working but I was forced to continue it and " try " to see if it would work. I do not have time for games... I did what was asked of me and then needed to change. Insurance was the issue then. Jumping through a million hoops to try and get the treatment instead of having to pay over 3 thousand dollars a month to exist and live. Luckily, all of that has been resolved. Treatment resumed and now I have to take charge of my life again and make sure that all the ducks stay in a row. ( my ducks tend to wander )
I do not know how I feel about life right now. I can not post some feel good blog just " because ". I have to share from my heart and soul. I write. Sometimes it is poetic and has an ebb and flow. Sometimes it does not. Today, is not one of those ebb and flow days. I need to be more regular with my blogs... It helps me chronologically share my feelings.
My heart has been broken by someone that I love dearly... It will mend, but it will take time. I used to not have feelings. I was numb. I liked being numb. It made life easier... but no, i had to begin having feelings and now I have to wade through them all and figure out which ones I share and which ones I keep to myself. I am finding that their are people that I used to think I could share anything with, no matter what, and now I know that is not the case. Lip service... please say what you mean. I do, so I assume everyone else does as well. If I tell you something on Monday, it will be the same on Wednesday. If it changes I will have a reason to support it.... Some people do not... Other people will lie about you. This is because they want to make themselves look better, smarter even. Even if they are family and you never tried to harm them in any way.
I recommend you blow your own mind every once in a while. Why not? I do... There are days when all the things that make sense in my mind tell me not to try and do something, but I have to. I have to keep going forward. Try it. Be willing... that's all it takes.
The issues we all have can weigh on our hearts, at the end of the day, it's ok. The house is quiet tonight after all the drama today. Nick is safe in his bed. Noland is sleeping away... The dogs are snoozing. I am finally able to put my thoughts down. This war I battle every day is not " job " by any means... It is however my world. It is 24/7... 365 days a year.. there is no off day, no vacation, hell I do not even get regular breaks. I am my own worst critic, I mommy fail daily, I barely get my coffee in the a.m., I have to be a pharmacist, a therapist, a driver, a cook, a maid, an advocate for my healthcare, a voice for Nikolas and sister, an aunt, a daughter, a wife, a best friend and love everyone and everything in my world. Today, I just do not " feel " it... I want to set my hair on fire and run .... run far away. ( who am i kidding? they would just follow me )
Bottom line, I am going to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. I am ok with that. Love the one you are with... be kind...
From us in Fountain FLorida to you... wherever you are...
mwah !!!
The Ptaks and a gang of H's
