Today I am blessed with an amazing husband who would move mountains for me... Give me the world on a silver platter if he could... mostly he is just here... here for me when I need a shoulder to cry on, here for me when I laugh and he laughs at me, or with me. I have found that " HERE " is better than anything I could ever want materialistically... " HERE " is where I want him the most. I am so glad that we and our pieces of soul found each other because I need him and it is nice to become "one" with him... I am a lucky girl !!!
I have had a lot of turmoil running around inside my mind lately. It is by far the scariest place I have ever been. I try my damndest to stay out of my own head because I usually end up in my own way. I have disappointed myself with some of my actions recently. I am woman enough to own up to them. My attitude has been kind of shitty. No other way to put it. We downsized in vehicles to meet some financial goals and I have acted like a BRAT. No other way to put it. A BRAT !!!
So, just like this quote says... I get into my head and then I shut down. I don't talk, I don't feel, I don't eat, I don't do anything but what has to be done. My inner demons are cruel and they don't forgive easily. I will usually apologize for my actions and I want so badly to say what is in my head, but I know better. Hence the blog... It has become easier for me to get out of my head by writing what I feel here. I liked me better when I had felt sooooo much that I was numb. I did not have to feel... uugghhhhh !!!
I Still struggle with sleep. It comes in waves... When I have a lot going on in my head, then I most likely will not be sleeping. I may be trying, but it's not a restful sleep. It's a sucky sleep that drains you emotionally because you go over and over and over in your head a million times what is going on and the same outcome happens every time. No solutions. I try and let go and free my mind, but that was when I was meditating and practicing that in my every day affairs. I think that may be in the near future for me again. I seemed more at peace when I could just breathe through the emotions. I had less panic attacks and more control of my emotions. I deal with physical pain on a level most of you will never have to feel. I feel less than because I am becoming more dependent on those around me.
Pain does demand to be felt. The physical pain that I am in is 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. Do I hole up in the bed? Hell no.. I GET UP I get the kids to school... I clean house. I walk... I tend to the chickens. I make dinner, I tend to others needs first. That is my nature. However, when you can't raise the glass to your face and take a sip out of your cup, that sucks. No lie. My right hand used to be my bad hand. Then some bitch hit me head on in November and my left hand has serious damage. I have been seeing a hand specialist and to no avail there has been NO relief in 5 months. I can't turn my left hand over, I can't hold anything in it, I need surgery to fix it. yeah right? !!! I do not have time for that; I have a special needs child... who is going to take care of him and me? oh... you mean I should let Josh help...??? that would be the logical solution, however, once again... in my head... I become a burden.. who in the hell wants to be a burden? Not me... Josh will argue this and say I am not a burden, it is just my feelings... I will be seeing a new Dr. at the end of the month, this is yet another scary venture for me. Starting over with Doctor's.... I am going in with an open mind and an open heart... Hopeful for some results..
Life here in the boonies is crazy, chaotic and AMAZING. We were looking for a normal, but decided normal was over rated. We like it crazy. The kids are settling in and we have some GRAND plans for the summer coming up. Easter has come and gone and it was a good day with lots of memories...
Always say I love you, love the one you are with, never ever be unkind... Much love and lots of hugs sent to you from our family to yours...
Love always,
The gang of H's and Mr and Mrs Ptak
Today I am blessed with an amazing husband who would move mountains for me... Give me the world on a silver platter if he could... mostly he is just here... here for me when I need a shoulder to cry on, here for me when I laugh and he laughs at me, or with me. I have found that " HERE " is better than anything I could ever want materialistically... " HERE " is where I want him the most. I am so glad that we and our pieces of soul found each other because I need him and it is nice to become "one" with him... I am a lucky girl !!!
I have had a lot of turmoil running around inside my mind lately. It is by far the scariest place I have ever been. I try my damndest to stay out of my own head because I usually end up in my own way. I have disappointed myself with some of my actions recently. I am woman enough to own up to them. My attitude has been kind of shitty. No other way to put it. We downsized in vehicles to meet some financial goals and I have acted like a BRAT. No other way to put it. A BRAT !!!
So, just like this quote says... I get into my head and then I shut down. I don't talk, I don't feel, I don't eat, I don't do anything but what has to be done. My inner demons are cruel and they don't forgive easily. I will usually apologize for my actions and I want so badly to say what is in my head, but I know better. Hence the blog... It has become easier for me to get out of my head by writing what I feel here. I liked me better when I had felt sooooo much that I was numb. I did not have to feel... uugghhhhh !!!
I Still struggle with sleep. It comes in waves... When I have a lot going on in my head, then I most likely will not be sleeping. I may be trying, but it's not a restful sleep. It's a sucky sleep that drains you emotionally because you go over and over and over in your head a million times what is going on and the same outcome happens every time. No solutions. I try and let go and free my mind, but that was when I was meditating and practicing that in my every day affairs. I think that may be in the near future for me again. I seemed more at peace when I could just breathe through the emotions. I had less panic attacks and more control of my emotions. I deal with physical pain on a level most of you will never have to feel. I feel less than because I am becoming more dependent on those around me.
Pain does demand to be felt. The physical pain that I am in is 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. Do I hole up in the bed? Hell no.. I GET UP I get the kids to school... I clean house. I walk... I tend to the chickens. I make dinner, I tend to others needs first. That is my nature. However, when you can't raise the glass to your face and take a sip out of your cup, that sucks. No lie. My right hand used to be my bad hand. Then some bitch hit me head on in November and my left hand has serious damage. I have been seeing a hand specialist and to no avail there has been NO relief in 5 months. I can't turn my left hand over, I can't hold anything in it, I need surgery to fix it. yeah right? !!! I do not have time for that; I have a special needs child... who is going to take care of him and me? oh... you mean I should let Josh help...??? that would be the logical solution, however, once again... in my head... I become a burden.. who in the hell wants to be a burden? Not me... Josh will argue this and say I am not a burden, it is just my feelings... I will be seeing a new Dr. at the end of the month, this is yet another scary venture for me. Starting over with Doctor's.... I am going in with an open mind and an open heart... Hopeful for some results..
Life here in the boonies is crazy, chaotic and AMAZING. We were looking for a normal, but decided normal was over rated. We like it crazy. The kids are settling in and we have some GRAND plans for the summer coming up. Easter has come and gone and it was a good day with lots of memories...
Always say I love you, love the one you are with, never ever be unkind... Much love and lots of hugs sent to you from our family to yours...
Love always,
The gang of H's and Mr and Mrs Ptak
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